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Do kids ever get over suicide of a parent?

48 replies

bao9 · 16/11/2022 13:43

Thank you to anyone who was going to offer the helpful links for books and groups and counselling, etc., but I already have all those. I've been reading a lot. I guess I just wanted to talk to people who may have first-hand experience (if anyone with such experience actually wants to share - I understand if not).

I feel like it's a life sentence. I've read about all the potential negative outcomes. Is there any way children can live a normal/good life after this?

OP posts:
ImaniMumsnet · 20/11/2022 20:14

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. We are also sorry if we are reading this wrong but we hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Mummyboy1 · 20/11/2022 20:15

No I don't think that someone will ever be okay.

I've been at the point of wanting to leave, I've made plans of how it would go... the only thing that has stopped me is thinking of one person at that time (I've now got my son to think and to stop me). The thought of how my death would affect a child who I love, I couldn't do it. Now that I have my son, I know I won't do anything to cause him that pain. Your children will feel an intense pain, they'll have questions that they can never find the answers for , they may blame themselves for your death.

pepperminttaste · 21/11/2022 07:13

@paobao9

Thanks for coming back anyway. Please keep talking, online and/or in real life. You seem to have come to the conclusion that your children wouldn't ever get over it. I think it's worth pointing out that whatever you are dealing with, whatever is making you feel this way, you will be able to get help. You can get through this, for yourself as well as your children.

caringcarer · 21/11/2022 07:19

One of my childhood friends went home from school one day when he was 10 and found his Dad hanging from stairs. He had 2 younger brothers and his Dad was a single Dad bringing up the 3 boys after their had does of cancer 18 months before. The children had to go into care. The younger two stayed together but 10 years old had to be placed alone. He grew up with depression and took his own life by hanging from a tree when he was 25. Two younger boys both now married with children of their own. Younger boys never saw Dad hanging but 10 years old did.

ButILikeGlitter · 21/11/2022 07:23

@caringcarer that's heartbreaking!

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 21/11/2022 07:38

Oh OP I hope you are getting support in real life? I don't think a child 'gets over' the loss of parent under any circumstance but by suicide is much more complex. Flowers

Mirandawrongs · 21/11/2022 08:01

Nope. My mother killed herself when I was 13.
I found her, her note told said she didn’t love me enough to stay.
she left the house to her church, who then kicked me out on the street. I was too old for help from social services and too young for help from the council.
if my best friends mum hadn’t taken me in, I’d have taken myself too.

i always feel that she destroyed me on purpose.
she hated me and I feel the same towards her.

pepperminttaste · 21/11/2022 08:03

Oh @Mirandawrongs I am so sorry you went through that, still are I imagine. Just horrendous.

2pinkginsplease · 21/11/2022 08:06

My brother suffers badly with his own mental health and is an addict all down to my fathers suicide. Marriage never lasted and children don’t speak to him.

Me I was a little bit younger and didn’t find out the details until I was 19. It hit me hard, emotionally i pull back from people as I fear they are going to leave me. I have an irrational fear that if my dh or ds are out longer than they say then something bad has happened to them

so yeah suicide does fuck up children's and adults lives!

please get some help.

cptartapp · 21/11/2022 08:11

I once read that children of parents that have committed suicide are six times more likely to kill themselves too.
Can't remember where I read that but it always stuck with me, a terrible statistic.

lifeinthehills · 21/11/2022 08:21

People exposed to suicide are much more likely to take their own lives. Having lost someone close to suicide and seen how it has impacted the wider family, I truly believe that if someone knew the impact on the survivors they would leave behind, most would not do it. I say that without judgement OP. Those are just my lived facts.

Depression lies. Your children need you and I'm sure many others will as well. You are important. Please contact anyone available for help and support. Visit your GP, call a helpline, go to emergency if you need to. You are worth it and deserve help.

Mirandawrongs · 21/11/2022 08:23

Sorry, I’ve just realised what you were asking.

what helped me move on was deciding she never existed. After all, she didn’t want to be here.
counselling did not work for me.

I see my childhood as a blip on how not to be a parent.
my children are grown, happy and settled in careers and relationships they love and they KNOW they are loved.
it has affected me as far as relationships as I always expect to be left.

I hope you can find your way through this x

familyissues12345 · 21/11/2022 08:38

So much heartbreak on this thread Sad

OP, please get help x

2pinkginsplease · 21/11/2022 09:21

cptartapp · 21/11/2022 08:11

I once read that children of parents that have committed suicide are six times more likely to kill themselves too.
Can't remember where I read that but it always stuck with me, a terrible statistic.

So very true. My sibling attempted but survived. He’s still suffering from mental health problems and physically from the suicide attempt. Medics are astonished he survived .. I sometimes wish he had been successful and he would be at peace now rather than fighting these demons he has.

JustKeepSlimming · 21/11/2022 09:48

The husband of a friend of mine took his own life when their daughter was about 9/10. My friend and her daughter both had every counselling option available, stood by each other, took all the support they could from friends and family, and both are now happy and getting on well. The daughter is now in her early 20's and living life to the full.

Obviously neither of them will ever be "over it", but they are an example of how it's possible to live life again.

SallyWD · 21/11/2022 10:33

My friend's dad killed himself in front of my friend. Obviously it made a deep impact on my friend. I don't think he'll ever "get over it" but he now seems to be living a successful and happy life. The years following his dad's suicide were rocky but I believe he's found an inner peace now.

Ihaveoflate · 21/11/2022 10:45

There are far too many variables to know for sure.

A friend lost his dad to suicide when he was very young. His older siblings all grew up to be successful, happy people with families of their own. My friend took his own life in his 30s but it may have been completely unrelated.

Another good friend lost her mum to cancer and then her dad took his own life a year later. My friend was 19 at the time and at university. She completed her studies, has a successful career, marriage and child of her own. She's remarkable and holds no bitterness toward her dad, but who really knows what she's been through.

Please reach out for help and support. You will never know how your children might be affected.

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 05:18

I sometimes wonder when I hear what a great life people are leading after such a loss. I know that I am leading what appears to be a full life but what no-one sees is that, if it wasn't for my husband and children, I'd probably become quite a recluse and semi opt out of society, just doing my own thing. Of course I'd need to work enough to get by. Life has to go on but it's not always easy.

Haysmiths · 22/11/2022 15:09

@bao9 - I'm not sure what position you are in, but my reply would be the same.

My teenage ds took his own life. On the surface, outwardly, to the outside world, our family look normal - we function. So we go to work/uni/school, we even go out together with each other, with friends, go on holiday, talk for hours with people without breaking down etc. We even answer to everyone that we are just fine. But, behind closed doors it is a different story.

DH, DDs and I think about our son all the time - he's our first thought when we wake, our last thought when we go to bed. We think about him constantly all day. We all know that our lives are and will always be emptier without him there. We all often wonder what we could have done differently, wonder if he knew how much we adored him, how much we miss him and wish he was still here today as a part of our lives.

His death has had an impact not just on our family, but with our wider family, his friends, his teachers - just about anyone who came into contact with him. It is like a ripple effect. My heart breaks when I hear about his young friends who still struggling to come to terms with his death. I am surprised to hear from people who I don't really know tell me how often they think about him, about how they miss him so very much. Any laughter or happiness we have is always tinged with sadness. We will never ever be the same again.

DH worries constantly, can't sleep, feels guilty, has lost his motivation, rarely cracks a joke like he used to and is a shadow of his former happy-go -lucky self. DD1 has thrown herself into Uni and various activities to fill any moment of spare time to keep busy. I worry that she will eventually burn out or feel that unless she achieves above and beyond, she will not be making her brother proud. DD2 misses her brother as a role model and confidant. She is struggling with anxiety and is demotivated, angry and guilty. She is struggling through college and worries her friends will leave her too. She is battling issues with self-sabotage (is prone to drinking and smoking to excess and not eating and sleepless nights). It is as if she is punishing herself for not being able to stop her brother and trying to cope without him. As a family we have to really work to keep talking as it is so easy to retreat into our own thoughts. I worry about them all the time and their futures too.

OP - I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you. Suicide is known for being the most painful forms of bereavement. It is a very permanent solution for very temporary problems. I so often hear that those lost to suicide had no idea how very much missed and how much they matter to so very many many many people - but they are so caught up in depression that they don't see this side, know how people he knew felt, or properly really heard us. As years go by, you are never the same person you were 2, 5, 8, 10, 15, 20 etc years ago.

I've also joined various support groups following the death of my DS and the saddest thing from talking to those who attend, is that no matter how recent or long a loved one's loss is, that sadness is still there. It changes over time - but is never forgotten. So even though we all present a coping face to other people - it is just for their benefit - to make them feel better - because the reality is just too awful for other people to bear.

I really hope Op you and your family get the support you all need as this is a really tough time. Sending you love Flowers

ThePomegranate · 25/11/2022 16:49

Thinking of you OP@paobao9 @bao9 . How are you now?

Have you been able to get any real life support?

MummerLost · 02/03/2023 16:44

My daughter's dad committed suicide when she was 9. I read all of the literature on the terrible outcomes and thought, no way. I poured love into her in every way I could, given I had to work. She was expelled from school at 14 for a year and had to go to alternative schools. She was addicted to heroin at 16. I spent many thousands on rehab and therapeutic boarding school and more rehab. I managed to get her through college. She immediately moved far away to live with bf, makes a living doing nude modeling for camera clubs and as a helper/companion to an older man who pays her well. She also grows psychedelic mushrooms as she plans for them to become widely legal and to have a mushroom farm. She is now 27. I rarely see her even though she claims to love me very much. I miss her terribly, I hate what she has done with her life (which she probably realizes and why she avoids me), and I am overwhelmed with grief. I did meet my husband about a year after her dad died, but we kept separate households for 5 years, then lived together for 5 years and finally married. I don't know if that was a bad move for her, but we were both very lonely single parents trying to make the right moves for our kids. So much for good intentions.

DuchessOfSausage · 02/03/2023 16:48

A friend's father killed himself when his DC were little. They all turned out ok.

DuchessOfSausage · 02/03/2023 16:51

Sorry about your loss @bao9 . If it is you and your DC who are bereaved, the fact that the DC has a loving mother should help them a lot.
Make sure you look after yourself and get support too. FlowersDaffodil

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