@bao9 - I'm not sure what position you are in, but my reply would be the same.
My teenage ds took his own life. On the surface, outwardly, to the outside world, our family look normal - we function. So we go to work/uni/school, we even go out together with each other, with friends, go on holiday, talk for hours with people without breaking down etc. We even answer to everyone that we are just fine. But, behind closed doors it is a different story.
DH, DDs and I think about our son all the time - he's our first thought when we wake, our last thought when we go to bed. We think about him constantly all day. We all know that our lives are and will always be emptier without him there. We all often wonder what we could have done differently, wonder if he knew how much we adored him, how much we miss him and wish he was still here today as a part of our lives.
His death has had an impact not just on our family, but with our wider family, his friends, his teachers - just about anyone who came into contact with him. It is like a ripple effect. My heart breaks when I hear about his young friends who still struggling to come to terms with his death. I am surprised to hear from people who I don't really know tell me how often they think about him, about how they miss him so very much. Any laughter or happiness we have is always tinged with sadness. We will never ever be the same again.
DH worries constantly, can't sleep, feels guilty, has lost his motivation, rarely cracks a joke like he used to and is a shadow of his former happy-go -lucky self. DD1 has thrown herself into Uni and various activities to fill any moment of spare time to keep busy. I worry that she will eventually burn out or feel that unless she achieves above and beyond, she will not be making her brother proud. DD2 misses her brother as a role model and confidant. She is struggling with anxiety and is demotivated, angry and guilty. She is struggling through college and worries her friends will leave her too. She is battling issues with self-sabotage (is prone to drinking and smoking to excess and not eating and sleepless nights). It is as if she is punishing herself for not being able to stop her brother and trying to cope without him. As a family we have to really work to keep talking as it is so easy to retreat into our own thoughts. I worry about them all the time and their futures too.
OP - I really feel for you and my heart goes out to you. Suicide is known for being the most painful forms of bereavement. It is a very permanent solution for very temporary problems. I so often hear that those lost to suicide had no idea how very much missed and how much they matter to so very many many many people - but they are so caught up in depression that they don't see this side, know how people he knew felt, or properly really heard us. As years go by, you are never the same person you were 2, 5, 8, 10, 15, 20 etc years ago.
I've also joined various support groups following the death of my DS and the saddest thing from talking to those who attend, is that no matter how recent or long a loved one's loss is, that sadness is still there. It changes over time - but is never forgotten. So even though we all present a coping face to other people - it is just for their benefit - to make them feel better - because the reality is just too awful for other people to bear.
I really hope Op you and your family get the support you all need as this is a really tough time. Sending you love 