Lost our daughter at 39 weeks

[laurajo]

Hello everyone

It feels hard to write this but I've found reading other posts on mumsnet so helpful that I thought it would be good to share my story in case anyone is going through similar.

Our first baby was stillborn in November a few days before her due date. It had been a completely healthy pregnancy and when they couldn't find her heartbeat it was just every worst nightmare coming true in an instant. Somehow you do get through it though. I never thought I'd be able to deal with all the physical hurdles like her birth and the funeral and also with the incredible feeling of loss but its amazing what reserves of strength you find.

I'm sure the sadness will never go away but its becoming bearable. If someone had told me that 8 weeks ago though I never would have believed them. My only advice for anyone it happens to is to take all the support and love you can from your partner/friends/family and try and remember what you DO have rather than what you've lost.

At the moment we're just waiting to meet with the consultant to see if he's got any answers as to why it happened. We might never find out - really I guess we're just hoping that its nothing that means we can never be parents. I don't know what medical reasons there might be not to try again - if anyone does know I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

LJ x

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter LJ. She will always be your eldest. And to can'tgetcomfy and others who have posted of their loss. I hope you will find some peace and comfort. I am so sorry.

i am so sorry laurajo..we lost our first baby last week no where near as far a long as you were..i guess i just wanted to say i am sorry and i hope you are taking comfort in all the support.

lockets
xx

Oh, Laurajo, I am so very sorry. I hope the consultant was able to give you some answers and reassure you about the future.

LauraJo - so sad to read your harrowing news.what a dreadful shock and heartbreak for you both.

Talk, talk, talk as much as you need.dont bottle it up

look at photos you have

Give the counselling time

Give yourself time

Allow yourself permission to say "why us" and this is "crap"

most of all dont rush, allow time to soften this.honestly it reduces the intensity of pain. this is something that will always be present but not necessariliy so raw all the time

best wishes

SM

Hang in there, you sound very brave, you will never forget your little girl. Why don't you plant a rose tree or similar so every year you can see it grow beautiful flowers to warm your heart. Remember her with a smile.

Hi Laurajo, I just wanted to add my condolences to the many already offered here. I can understand very well what you and your partner are going through right now, because we lost our first child (a daughter) at 42 weeks, in December 1995. The real cause was never found, just a horrible unexplainable stroke of fate. I'm sure you are feeling very impatient to know the outcome of the post mortem, as we were; however it seems that in so many stillbirths there isn't a 'proper' cause as such. In a way perhaps this is easier to bear than finding something wrong that could have been put right, or that may go wrong again?

It's very likely that you will be told the same as us, that there is nothing to stop you having healthy children in the future - I really hope that is the case for you both. I went on to have 2 more children, my second daughter was born less than a year later, and my son in 1998. I told my children about their elder sister from when they were tiny and they used to talk about her quite a lot. Now they are getting older they don't mention her so much, but we visit her grave every year (we moved a long way from where she was born) and it's taken for granted that we have a family of 3 children.

Wishing you all the best on this sad journey - I would be happy to answer any questions you might have or share our experiences further if you feel that would be helpful

lj - love to you and your family. This must have been so painful and I am so glad you are here to share your thoughts with us. Keep talking to us darling and let us know if there is ever a day when you need more support
Love to you all who have shared your stories here
May you all have a calm and peaceful night
x

hi there i lost my baby girl erin on 16th december 2007, i found it helpful talking to other mum that went through the same experience so i have set up a website with an online forum for all members of family to join , i found it hard goin onto the forum i had joined as it was the same one i`d used when i was pregnant and it was too hard see all the baby things to buy etc, my web address is sharingsuite.webs.com it is purely for family members just suffered a loss or people who are trying to concieve after a loss please visit and share your experience

Just wanted to say so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl.
I hope the kind words here help a little and time heals xx

My friend had a stillborn baby last week. I am so sorry for her, but do not quite know how to help her.
Thanks for your website, sharingsuite.webs.com. I will put this info on the card and send it to her, perhaps in time, when she is ready, she will log in and find some kind of comfort amongst those who knows how it feels.

Couldn't read this and not post. My heart really does go out to all of you that have experienced such terrible losses xx

thanks so much for all your messages - sorry i haven't posted in such a long time.

3 months on we finally got the post mortem results this week. It wasn't entirely conclusive as they're still a little worried about a couple of my blood tests - which have been redone meaning another 4 week wait - but it looks like a cord accident. Just a fluke horrible tragic thing.

What i do have to take from it though is that there's no reason for us not to try to have another baby which is really all we could hope for. So fingers crossed for the future - thanks again for all your support

LJ xxx