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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lost our daughter at 39 weeks

62 replies

laurajo · 21/01/2008 11:08

Hello everyone

It feels hard to write this but I've found reading other posts on mumsnet so helpful that I thought it would be good to share my story in case anyone is going through similar.

Our first baby was stillborn in November a few days before her due date. It had been a completely healthy pregnancy and when they couldn't find her heartbeat it was just every worst nightmare coming true in an instant. Somehow you do get through it though. I never thought I'd be able to deal with all the physical hurdles like her birth and the funeral and also with the incredible feeling of loss but its amazing what reserves of strength you find.

I'm sure the sadness will never go away but its becoming bearable. If someone had told me that 8 weeks ago though I never would have believed them. My only advice for anyone it happens to is to take all the support and love you can from your partner/friends/family and try and remember what you DO have rather than what you've lost.

At the moment we're just waiting to meet with the consultant to see if he's got any answers as to why it happened. We might never find out - really I guess we're just hoping that its nothing that means we can never be parents. I don't know what medical reasons there might be not to try again - if anyone does know I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks

LJ x

OP posts:
Aitch · 22/01/2008 10:56

very kind of you to post to help others, laurajo, i'm so sorry that you didn't get to keep your little girl. and your little boy, can'tgetcomfy. it's a tragedy.

ajandjjmum · 22/01/2008 11:00
Sad
WezzleWoo · 22/01/2008 11:20

So sorry to hear your sad story LJ. I wish you well

Wx

amyjade · 22/01/2008 15:03

My heart goes out to you laurajo and anyone else who has lost a baby or child. xx
I truly understand your pain as i lost my beautiful 19 month old daughter in April 2005 from Pneumococcal meningitis.
Time isn't a healer as i don't think any of us can get over such a devestating loss but 3 years on i have slowly rebuilt my life and now have 2 more wonderful children and i am now able to laugh and smile again something i didn't think possible.
I promise things do get easier.

Take care all xxx

Ettenna · 22/01/2008 16:55

LauraJo - just wanted to say how sorry I am for the dreadful loss you have endured. You are very brace and compassionate to offer advice to others at this time. xx

hertsnessex · 22/01/2008 17:06

laurajo & cantgetcomfy,

I am so sorry to hear of the sadness and grief you are going thorugh.

You will never forget your babies.

thnking of you.

cx

hertsnessex · 22/01/2008 17:12

amjade,

i often wonder how you are. i am so pleased to hear you have more children.

cx

Original poster
laurajo · 22/01/2008 18:35

thanks so much everyone especially all who've shared their stories. its so sad and shocking to hear how often these horrible things happen... knowing that people are out there caring and understanding really helps though.

cantgetcomfy - i really feel for you and thanks for posting x x lots of love and luck for Friday I'll be thinking of you. We had her funeral at the end of December. It was hard obviously and passed by in a bit of a teary blur to be honest - don't think i managed to listen to much of the service. It did feel really good to do it for her though and say goodbye in a proper way.

LJ x

OP posts:
Rangirl · 22/01/2008 19:22

My first son was still born at 36 weeks in 2000 after a straightforward pregnancy and with no warning>I thought I would never get over it,I was totally shattered as was my DH and wider family.Time does not heal but in time with the support of family and friends GP and other health professionals I did come to terms with what happened.I was lucky to go on to have 2 children a girl and a boy within 2 1/2 years.One of my aunts who is famous in the family for her lack of tact and who had lost a child herself ,lived a few days,40 years ago said to me that I would never get over it.It might sound mad but in some ways it helped as I think you can put pressure on your self to get over it,back to normal etc in far too short a time,best to accept that things will be very difficult for a long time.One thing I have not resolved,what to say to my other children,anyone out there had this experience

Prisma · 22/01/2008 21:11

My heart goes out to you. Is an awful loss. I wish you all the biggest, bestest wishes for healthy future pregnancies.

shabster · 23/01/2008 23:05

Hi laurajo - how are you doing? Daft question I know but just genuinly interested. I used to wonder how come things were so awful and I kept waking up every morning. I was amazed at how strong the human brain and heart must be. Can give you the details of Compassionate Friends if you want them - even if it is years from now. I have woke up every morning since I read your message and thought about you. Let me know how stuff is with you. Much love xxxxxxx

Original poster
laurajo · 24/01/2008 10:46

hi again thanks for posts you're all very kind.

how am i? well hard to say really, up and down i guess, very blue for last couple of days but a bit better today. Like you say shabster there are definitely mornings when i wake up and just feel deflated at how sad and unfair it is but am just trying to keep my diary filled with nice stuff while i'm off work - lunching with friends etc.

We're seeing our bereavement counsellor later - not exactly nice stuff but helpful. GP checkup tomorrow too...she's amazing and actually suffered a late stillbirth herself so am very lucky to have her. Horrid horrid waiting for the post mortem results though - been 8 weeks now so could be any time. Just desperate to know that that's not it for us having children xx

OP posts:
Sugarmagnolia · 24/01/2008 18:39

Hi laurajo. I couldn't read this and not reply. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know there aren't really words to express the tragedy of it. A very close friend of mine went through the same experience In October 2006 and this is what it inspired us to do: www.noahs-ark.org.uk

Sugarmagnolia · 24/01/2008 18:40

(click on the About Us section to read her story)

Chooster · 24/01/2008 22:06

I'm so so sorry LauraJo - what an awful time. I hope the post mortem results provide some answers and give you hope for the future. My second son was lost after he was born at 21 weeks and the post mortem showed that we had a 1 in 4 chance of any baby we conceived having the same condition. My reason for mentioning this is just to say that even then we did not give up hope and now have a healthy happy 6 month old son. You will become parents again...

soph28 · 24/01/2008 22:19

I feel so much for you and can't imagine your pain.

My parents lost their first dd at 38wks- a reason was never established but possibly cord round arm. I don't know if they ever really dealt with it cos it was 30 yrs ago my dad wasn't allowed to be there when she was induced and neither of them ever got to see her or hold her and there was no counselling.

But they went on to have me just over a year later, followed by my sis and then my brother with no other problems at all. My mum was induced before her due date for all of us.

Your little girl will always be so precious to you and not forgotten. I'm sure your future children will always remember they had a big sister- just like I do.

AmersG · 25/01/2008 19:34

I'm really very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my son last year at 21 weeks so I understand a little of how you are feeling.

I know someone has mentioned SANDS here but another website that has been an amazing help to me is the late loss & neonatal death support one on ivillage.co.uk (go to message boards/pregnancy and baby/ and you'll find it there.

xxx

chankins · 25/01/2008 19:48

So sorry Laura-jo and all the others who have posted about their losses - my sis had a gorgeous baby boy stillborn at 38 weeks, it was such a shock, as she had had 2 children before him with no probs - They never really found out why, but just that something was wrong as he was very tiny compared to her other babies, so had not been growing right - I was lucky to be able to visit them in the hospital and have a lovely cuddle with him and say goodbye. I know they found that time with him worthwhile, and the photos they took helped them get through the empty weeks that followed. Since then they have had a lovely little girl, and are a really happy, close-knit little family who adore their kids and really appreciate what they have,
I hope this will be the same for you in the future, and I am sure it will. You willl never forget your little girl. My sis has photos up so all the kids can see him and talk about him, so he is still part of the family.
I wish you so much luck and love to get through this painful time. You are incredibly kind and brave to post here to help others xxx

Prisma · 29/01/2008 21:20

I'm so sorry. It's so awful to go right to the end of your pregnancy and for the worst to happen. I'm crying on your behalf. Am just starting to think about trying again after a termination in August, and I'm terrified the same thing may happen again - in our case, I'm afraid it's a possibility. I hope you find some answers and that they are positive and you do go on to have healthy children.

NicMac · 30/01/2008 20:18

You are in my thoughts. I do hope you get some positive news and you can one day look towards the future and perhaps have another child. Be kind to yourself and ask for help if you need it. With every best wish

frasersmummy · 01/02/2008 21:25

I am sorry to say that I know what you are feeling I lost my first little boy at 39.5 weeks.

There is nothing I can say that will ease your pain right now.

But it does get easier as the months go by. You will never forget, no matter what happens. There will always be 3 of you in the family, one day there may be 4 or even 5 but for the moment there is 3

The best advice I have is to take it one day at a time and realise that the pain will come and go.. dont try to fight it .. give yourself time to aknowledge your grief

If you do go on to have a healthy child they will never replace your darling angel but it does give you someone to cuddle

I am new to mumsnet and not sure if we can swap details but if you want to email me off the board I'm sure some of the lovely people on here can tell me how we do this

I have a couple of weblinks I can share with you

twospecialgirls · 01/02/2008 21:32

i cant imagine how all who have lost their darling babies must feel i feel for you all this thread really touched me you are so brave to deal with something so very sad and heartbreaking nothing i can say will help but i will think of you and your babies always x

ViolentFemme · 01/02/2008 21:35

I haven't read all the post, but just wanted to pass on love and hugs. Stay strong x

rosie17 · 02/02/2008 23:13

Hello Laurajay

I am so sorry you lost your baby.
We lost a daughter who went to full term 3 years ago.
I found I really had to grieve although the pain was almost unbearable. We contacted a charity called SANDS which stands for the Stillborn and Neonational death Society. Their support was fantastic. We went to a couple of meetings with other mums and Dads who had lost their babies. And importantly for me I made a couple of friends whom I was able to get to know via emails for about a year and they were on the same journey. Perhaps have a look at the SANDS website when you feel ready.
We went onto have another beautiful baby girl 13 months later. Our test results indicated that what happened to us was a random thing. Emotionally we were advised to wait for at least a year but we felt so overwhelmed by the need to have another baby we really didn't want to wait.
Hope my words are of some use to you.

Take Care
XX

charleymouse · 05/02/2008 00:08

So sorry LJ for your loss. I agree we do not realise how strong we are until something like this comes along. It is just an awful way to discover this. Hope the counselling is working out for you.