Stillbirth help me I am so heartbroken

[Daisy155]

Hi all I hope you are well, I lost second my baby Leo 2 weeks ago due to placenta abruption at 37 weeks 4 days and I am so heartbroken. Today I don’t feel like coming out of bed, I have to go into town and sort out his funeral flowers and I am just so sad about this. I miss him so much I miss my baby I held him and he was the most beautiful and tall little boy he was stunning nothing wrong with him. What did I do to deserve this pain I have never felt this much heartache in my life everyone say I am strong but every night I go through that evening and blame myself I should have done this and that I didn’t save him! My husband’s family has been amazing and my own sisters have been nothing but unsupportive as well as if they are going on with their lives I almost died and one of them was at the pub the next day my best friend told me when she couldn’t get through my husband! She called my sister instead I feel like did they wish this on me I am so hurt! Hubby has gone to the gym gave me a kiss and said we got this I just smiled but I am dying inside, I want to try for a baby again because I CANT take this pain I can’t my first is 5 years old and I am trying my best to be a good mum everyone thinks I am so strong! But I am just pretending because I don’t want to show the amount of pain I am in any help please thank you so much does it feel better? Can I try again for a baby ? How did any of you cope with loosing a child ? Thank you so much

I am so so sorry for your loss. You’ve been through so much, although your sisters seem unsupportive please lean on your family who are supportive. Have you been offered any bereavement counselling or anything?

So sorry to read this. You will get some wonderful support on here.

You will get through this time. Sending strength.

Thank you so much for your quick and lovely response yes I have a bereavement midwife but no counselling I will ask her on Monday as I think I do need to talk to someone I don’t have to pretend I am ok! I am struggling each day it’s getting worse by the day and I have a constant headache and I have lost so much weight in the past 2 weeks because of not eating anything through out the day. My husband is now watching this and wants me to be healthy if we want another baby. He also needs counselling I think I will ask the midwife for the both of us I think we are both on autopilot during the day I have seen him cry as well and he is now using being busy as an escape!

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely Leo.

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

@Elsanore @Rainallnight thank you so much for your kind words!

I am so so very sorry for your loss xx.

lean on your husband’s family, let them help with your 5 year old, take all the time you need. Stay in bed if you want to.

You will get through this even if it doesn’t feel like that now.

so sorry this happened to you, so unfair xxx

@anybloodyname thank you so much for your kind words!

I'm so sorry for the loss of Leo, I lost my DD during labour 5 years ago - like you she was perfect but unfortunately there was negligence in our care that day. Nothing can prepare you for such a devestating loss, it's like nothing else - saying goodbye before you even really have a proper chance to say hello. I'm sorry to hear your family haven't been supportive, I think sometimes people just don't know how to react or what to say. We're you signposted to sands at all by the hospital - I went aboht 4 weeks after losing DD and met 3 other familes who all lost babies within a few months of me (a couple within a few weeks) and for a long time I felt like they were the only people who really understand I remember feeling like I was going mad ag times but they could all relate and it was surprising how many of us had the same thoughts, feelings and worries - I'm still great friends with two of the girls now - we went on to fall pregnant again at similar times and our next DC are all very close friends too. Like you I felt like I just wanted to get pregnant again soon after losing DD - not to replace her but my arms felt so empty, this caused so many conflicting emotions but i did fall pregnant 3 months later and had a healthy DS and then another DS when he was 2. I don't know if you have Instagram but there is a big babyloss community on there and I recommend following @zoeadelle she wrote the babyloss guide book and her quotes are honestly so relatable and at times I almost thought I could have been reading them myself!
Take each day at a time and do what you can and please seek some support in others who know what you've been through x

Im so sorry for your loss, sorry that some family aren’t being supportive.

I had a late stage miscarriage (just before 24 weeks) I found counselling and going by myself to the top of hill and just crying helped. Finding a place you can be by yourself and truly let your emotions out. I also have an older child and I felt like I couldn’t feel the emotions properly, always putting on a brave face.

The pain will never go away, but you get better at managing it. Someone said it’s like waves, at first it’s really choppy, constant waves then slowly they start getting further apart.

On the ttc side that’s all I could think about in the first few months it was very all consuming, however we are now thinking about ttc again and I’m so scared. I don’t want to have to go through that again, I don’t want to have to make that decision again. So at the moment we haven’t decided if we want to ttc again. It’s really
tough decision for anyone who has had a loss.

Its ok to say it’s shit situation, it ok to say it’s unfair. All these feelings are valid. I promise you will get through this, you will never forget them and they will be remembered.

I'm so sorry for your loss

@Workinghardeveryday yes they have taken care of my 5 year old and just brought him back, my mother in law is coming back again tomorrow for the 4th time to be with us, my sister in laws came yesterday to cook and clean the house although the house was clean! But they bulk cooked for the weekend and a few days next week! I was so so grateful I didn’t know what to say they all live in London and we live in the midlands but I am so thankful they left at 10pm and had brought their children so my little one could play with them. I will definitely lean on them I have always been independent but this time has shown me who truly is there for us including my friends have been amazing. My best friend was one of the first people in my house when I came back from the hospital she left work and came straight to us and spent the weekend talking about Leo and just general chit chat I felt so uplifted! When everyone is gone the feelings return but definitely grateful to those who have been supportive

I totally agree with @Applegreenb too about just taking time to yourself to let your emotions out - I used to go to the forest for a good cry or sometimes just drive somewhere and park and have a cry in the car. It is so so bloody unfair!
I had counselling too - which really helped but I would say find the right counsellor my first counsellor although lovely wasn't experienced in dealing with babyloss and her sessions were useful but after they had finished I found a private counsellor with experience in this area and it helped so much.
I've heard the comparison to the waves too and totally agree with that too. There's not a day goes past that I don't think of my little girl or how different things could be, somone once told me you'll never be the same but that's ok because all of your children change you no matter how long or little they get to stay and I truly believe that too - My little girl taught me to be more compassionate and understanding, to Appreciate the little things in life and not take things for granted, she taught me what unconditional love was and how even through all the pain and heartbreak I'd choose her each and every time - yes I wish she was here with me today but the fact I ever got to carry her, feel her little kicks and see her gorgeous face when she was born is amazing too.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Leo, the world is so cruel sometimes, I so feel for you.

You must be kind to yourself though, this is really early days so allow yourself the time and space to grieve, it’s so important.

💐 with much love x

I am sending love and supportive wishes to you in this terrible situation.

I hope that posters who have been through this will be able to provide their understanding, but I know that at this moment nothing can take away the pain. It is a very particular loss that is like no other.

I am so pleased to hear that you ILs are being so supportive.

Take care

I have not had a still birth but 10 days after dc3 was born his 3 year old sister died suddenly. There are no words to describe the pain and at times it is truly overwhelming. Auto pilot is a good disruption, its the only way I got through the early days that and slapping on my happy face.
One of my sisters was fantastic, the other less so, my husbands family were beyond useless, but my close friends were life savers as was the village I lived in. My daughter was well known as was I because we were always out and about dog walking. My husband who used to work away during the week had no idea how popular she was and how much the village were mourning with us till her funeral when there was not even a place to stand inside the church.

Lean on your friends and husband and use your midwife, mine was great, my HV was even better, not intrusive but there to listen.
We went on to have dc4 and I got pregnant 6 months later, your hormones are all over the place and your body does need to settle so as much as I completely understand the want for another baby allow some time.
My oldest dc was 5 years old, he went through a whole range of emotions. One minute he was sad, the next he was bouncing on the trampoline or wanting us to play football with him. I always made sure he could talk about his sister and be sad, I was sad with him but kept the raw sadness to myself. He happily chats about his sister still with me but never with his dad (we are now divorced). His dad showed too much raw sadness and anguish with him and its a huge trigger for him and he gets very anxious.
I am now 8 years on from losing Pippa and the pain is still there but I live along side it. Its like I'm permanently standing in a hole, most of the time I'm only ankle deep, sometimes when im finding life in general difficult and I'm sinking further my family and friends will throw me a rope, they can spot when I'm struggling as can I. That being said I am happy with my hole, as long as I don't sink deeper than my knees, it is the price I pay for loving my daughter.
Sending you and your family lots of love at this dreadful time. Xx

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Leo is such a cute name.

It's such early days. However you are dealing with this is ok. There is no right way to grieve. Keep reminding yourself that you only need to do what you want to do not what you think you 'should' do. I don't think you ever get over losing a child but you will, eventually, get used to it. It will always be part of you. I think counselling can help sometimes you need counselling at different times and it's hard to know when is the right time.

If you can then you really need to try and let other people deal with it in their own way. Maybe your partner needs to go to the gym. It might be difficult not to interpret it as him not caring about you and him abandoning you but maybe he really needs to go. That should be ok. People will get on with their lives but it doesn't mean they don't care.

Everyone need to be as kind and forgiving to everyone else as possible. The most important thing is that you look after yourself and do what's best for yourself.

There is nothing that anyone can say that will help but I'm sure

I

I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Your beautiful Leo will always be a part of you. Sending you so much love ❤️

Im so sorry for your loss and for the other posters here who have also experienced such grief. I don't know how to help but send you lots of love.

Oh op I’m so so sorry to hear about your loss. Baby Leo will always be loved by you and never forgotten.
im glad you have some supportive family and friends - do not worry about the ones who aren’t supportive. You don’t need to use your energy giving them any further thought.
take one day at a time. Reach out for counselling and the support on here can be very good from others who know how you feel.
sending huge love to you and to others who have experienced this huge loss.
💐

@snowday01 I am so so sorry for your DD loss as well and thank you and I will check the Instagram page you have suggested thank you! I am so happy to hear that you went on to have a healthy baby this gives me so much hope Leo was a miracle baby, I was coming from my first IVF appointment and something just made me take a pregnancy test and I found out I was pregnant! I am hoping the next TTC won’t take as long as it took to conceive Leo it’s never to replace him but That’s correct I feel so empty without him even though I have my 5 year old!
@Applegreenb thank you so much for your kindness and response so sorry for your loss as well my heart goes out to you as well it does feel like choppy waves I can’t wait to see a day I wake up and feel some type of normal I will definitely try and take some time before trying but I am so desperate but scared as I was nearly dying from the blood loss but the love for Leo makes me want another baby I was going to have him as my last now I am looking into having 2 more after this, because this experience made me realise I don’t want my 5 year old Oscar to not be alone ever again!
@TheRosesAreInBloom And @Mischance thank you so much for your kindness and lovely words
@Phillipa12 your little one Pippa she sounded like such a gorgeous and amazing little girl! I am so sorry to hear about your husband as well I pray mine will cope he is really trying but not sure how he really is dealing with this because on the surface he looks ok and we both cope the same way which worries me because we both want to seem strong for each other but I think we need to be honest happy to hear you went on to have a healthy baby after x thank you so much

I have no words to add to those who've already posted but I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I can't imagine the pain after carrying your precious baby all these months.

Take care of yourself and let others take care of you too.

@mama93345 thank you @RightMessUp @Beautifulsunflowers @dammit88 @Letsgoforaskip thank you all so much for your lovely and kind words! Today I went to the park for the first time and all I saw were babies and funny enough my son ended up playing with a little boy his age called Leo! I don’t know what that means I think I am looking for signs everywhere and also I had a long chat with hubby and he told me he definitely is using being busy, cleaning the house, gym and football as an escape from heartache. He is also reading lots on mumsnet which he said is helping him cope and he registered by himself this morning for the Gp as he wants to get counselling through the NHS I was very impressed! We held each other for so long and just sat down and talked about all our dreams and aspirations for the future. We were also preparing for our second wedding to renew our vows and he said he is still excited for this! It was an ok day today maybe talking on here helped because the past few weeks I have felt I am living in a nightmare! Anyone who has had a baby after this I would love to hear from you ? please thank you

I am so pleased that your husband is being so open and honest. It must really help to feel he’s facing it head on with you. I would also have definitely thought your son happening across another Leo was some sort of sign. It must be heartbreaking to see other babies but very brave of you to be getting out and facing the world.
At the moment you must feel you are living in a nightmare but I hope that the pain starts to subside and there will be happier times ahead. Your vow renewal sounds brilliant.💐

My son was stillborn in November. I truly do understand what you are going through. It's beyond heartbreaking. I'm not going to lie, this has consumed me. I think about what happened constantly, but at the same time, it does get easier to live with. I'm still heart broken, but I feel like I can function in every day life again. My daughter was 3 at the time and I worried in was being a terrible mam, but at the end of the day, i was still there, I wasn't the fun mam I was, but I was still there, and that's all that mattered. She doesn't remember me being in a zombie like state.

Take everything at your own pace. Find someone you can talk to, be it in person or a stranger online. People will bombard you with messages, just ignore them until you are ready. I got so sick of saying Thank you to people.

Please do reach out if you need anything. Feel free to message me.