Can it be normal not to grieve?

[Drawbackyourbow]

My dm died a year ago, and I'm yet to feel devastated.

I would say we had a fairly close relationship, we saw a lot of each other but I found her quite overbearing at times. She wasn't that elderly when she died, and had been ill for a while so it wasn't a shock.

I just feel like I expected it, it happened and I moved on. I read about other people losing a parent and they seem to grieve so intensely - a close friend of mine lost her dm six years ago and still talks about it all the time, how much she misses her etc.

Am I vaguely normal or just totally heartless?

You are normal.

There is no defined depth of feelings or time that you have to take to come to terms with a death. Death of a parent is a generally a normal part of life.

It sounds like you understood the relationship you had with your mum while she was alive, and so it could be that you don't have unresolved feelings of guilt or resentment that things could have been better that you can never resolve now she has died. And that you knew she was dying, so as you say, it wasn't a shock.

Totally normal.

That's reassuring. I've been waiting for it to "hit me" as everyone has been telling me all year I just haven't accepted it yet and when I do I'll really struggle!

Additionally I've been very focussed on my other responsibilities since it happened (I've got lots going on) so it's just never at the forefront of my mind. That bothers me as well, I feel like I should be thinking about her a lot more.

You are completely normal. Bereavement affects everyone differently - I saw it so clearly in my own family.

It sounds as if you may have dealt with issues relating to your mum during her life, and some of the triggers for grief (as you might have defined it) are not there.

However, you may find that something triggers a particular response, at any point. I remember feeling almost relief for months after my dad died (a very distressing death, with a lot of pain for him) and then felt completely side-swiped months later. I had no real opportunity to process it as there was so much going on, and feel I haven't properly grieved.

My mum died in March. We were very close. She had dementia and a long death over several months which was very draining. I have not shed a tear for her. She had a good life and died at home so there are no regrets on my part. I feel like I've moved on.

Grieving can start when the person is alive if you know their illness is terminal. When someone is suffering then the ending of that suffering can be seen as a release. There are no wrongs or rights 💐

Additionally I've been very focussed on my other responsibilities since it happened (I've got lots going on) so it's just never at the forefront of my mind. That bothers me as well, I feel like I should be thinking about her a lot more.

That was like my experience with my dad. I was dealing with a nightmare ex, financial issues & challenging job as well as 3 DC. I just didn't think about it.

My dad dying has really changed our family dynamic tho, especially with my mum and that's been really hard.

I also miss the dad I had before he was ill - often wishing I had him there to ask advice etc.

When my grandmother passed , I was sad but never devastated. She'd had a massive stroke which left her paralysed and blind. I was happy that she didn't linger in that state for weeks and months. She was so agitated lying in that bed , it was a release for her to pass away. I know she would have hated it. I still miss her but it would have been selfish of me to have wanted her to continue living in that state.

There's definitely a sense of relief that she didn't suffer too much. She could have ended up in a hospice wasting away for weeks, but she died quite suddenly at home, with family there. I'm definitely grateful for that.

Very normal. I’m a quiet griever as well. Yes, I’ll miss the deceased person, and I’ll have moments when I remember them and feel sad that they have gone, but I ‘M not consumed by grief. Never felt it necessary to post on Facebook ‘One year since xyz has died’ either.

Everyone grieves in different ways. There’s no right or wrong way.

I think the fact that you are bothered, shows that you are bothered. If you see what I mean.

There is no normal.

You describe your Mum as 'overbearing' so it's possible that you could be feeling freed from that pressure in your life?

We all have different relationships with our Mothers. I will be delighted when mine is gone but my bf will be utterly devastated because her Mum is just a lovely person.

My Dad died last year, I was immediately upset but it was expected and he was in pain - I was fine afterwards. I haven't really thought about him much, I don't have moments of sadness or many thoughts of happy moments. I can only accept that people grieve differently - but I feel bad for not feeling bad, I'm sure he'd be happy that I don't feel bad though.

I’m glad you posted this OP. My dad died 18 months ago and I feel very similar. We were close and used to speak most days. He had a terminal illness, so we knew he was going to die and I think I mentally started preparing a good year before. This all happened during Covid, so the last 9 months of his life, I couldn’t visit him that often (lockdowns and he lived an hour away). He spent his last few days in hospital and I will be forever grateful to the hospital staff that they let my mum, sibling and me sit with him every day, play music and talk to him in spite of the COVID ‘rules’. I think that really helped with not having unresolved grief. I think of him everyday, but I’ve never felt overwhelming devastation. It was just him and me in the room when he took his last breath, and I felt a sensation of peace which I still feel.

I think this is normal. It's nearly 3 years since DDad died. I have never had a moment of horrendous grief. I think it's because he was terminally ill and a) I was prepared for it and b) I was so relieved for him when he died that he wasn't suffering any more.

You are normal. There's no right way to do it or bereavement intensity test.
My DDad died last year. I organised his funeral so was so busy I couldn;t think straight while everyone else was wallowing in sadness.

It took me months to feel much. But these days I keep remembering small things he said and did, especislly from childhood, that make me miss him. It's more a gradual drip-drip of grief than a waterfall.

I think its totally normal, you are not heartless, its just not the well publicised type of grief. The devastated, open mourning, really stricken with grief people are very noticable, its the kind of grief that is in films and people talk about as it effects everyone around them.
It is not as notable for someone to deal with a death by being calmly sad but continuing to function.

Either way is not better or a more legitimate way of dealing with death its just different for different people. Your way sounds like its working for you. X

5 years on from my dad dying and I have yet to grieve outwardly. Or feel that upset.
I accepted it quickly and was fine, even though I adored him.
Obviously I miss him, but feel so glad for what I had with him.
Does worry me that it's never "come out"!!

I think sometimes it's about how and when they died, my grandad for example died at 101 years old of basically old age. I was sad about it but glad he'd had such a wonderful life once he's grown up, a crappy childhood but he'd make a lovely home, had 4 children 12 grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren who all loved him. I cried at his funeral but don't feel any cloud over myself.
I did a little when my parents died as they were only 65 when they died and they both had sad links to their deaths but both deaths were somewhat a relief to be frank. I grieved most when my friend died in their early 20's.
So no, I don't think grieving should be normal, I think you feel how you feel and that's fine

Totally within the (very wide!) range of normal.

What @goldfinchonthelawn said really resonated with me. I coped all too well when my parents died, but two years on there is still this seeping sadness that they are gone forever. It was easier closer to their deaths, when my most recent experience was how unwell they were and how the medics couldn't help them. But now - the only people who remember my early childhood are gone. My day to day life is fine, but there will always be a gap there

I was sad when dad died but it never 'hit me' in that all encompassing way. He had cancer, we knew he had a cancer that wasn't survivable and he was in his 80s.

DH died recently, he had cancer too and we knew it was a cancer that had a less than 10% survival rate but his death has devastated me. Grief hits me in waves and feels worse now than it did when he died four months ago.

There is no right or wrong way to feel after a death and there are no set time scales.

I've lost both my parents now and both times I was pretty ok about it, sad of course but not The Grief that people talk about.

Each time I kind of sensed it in advance. Mum was in a nursing home, we couldn't see her for months because of lockdown (2020) then they restarted 1/2 hour once a week at a set time. The third time we went she was actually awake and it was a fairly good visit, she knew who we were and was following our conversation, but unable to speak herself. I took dad away for a mini break a few days later and I remember saying to him I don't think mums got long left, I think we ought to get DB to come back. Turned out we got the call from the nursing home 2 days later so sooner than I thought.
It was hard to be sad for mum dying as her life with the vascular dementia had ended up so awful, death surely couldn't be worse than her life,
Then last summer dad started to get frail, he was 96 but very active and independent. I had to bully the GP into a F2F appointment as he was coughing and breathless, she was trying to fob me off with getting him a covid test FFS. Turned out after 2 lots of blood tests, x rays and scans he had advanced cancer. He died 12 days after diagnosis, I was with him right until he went into the hospice. The speed of his decline was scary and I can see he just accepted his time was up, he'd had a good, successful and lucky life, he'd seen everyone he wanted to and so was happy to go. Wonderful really. I was always closer to my dad and of course in lockdown we got closer still, I loved spending time with him. I still get sad thinking about him and there's an inertia about clearing the house (not sold yet) but it's not GRIEF like you hear about where people can't do anything.
Mind you, if I lost one of my children (now young adults) I think I would be completely different as they would have been robbed of a future.

Sorry that's so long

This has made me feel so much better.

Everyone I know who's lost a parent seems to post all over Facebook on birthdays/anniversaries, and seem to still be struggling (including my own siblings) so that leaves me constantly feeling that I'm doing it wrong.

Totally normal. And death can often be a relief.
All the "posting on Facebook" stuff just baffles me - seems so performative, narcissistic & unnecessary - but I guess each to their own.

Ah Fluffy this brought a lump to my throat. It's a very moving perspective. I hope you're ok & I understand exactly