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Help!
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Paulaem · 22/06/2022 08:13

Hi all.

new to the site so please bear with.

I have a 3 year old with my partner who also has an 11 year old from a previous relationship, who we have on weekends, take on holiday etc etc.

on Sunday we got the awful news that her mum (who she absolutely worships) passed away very suddenly. My step daughter was with us at the time and we had the terrible job of telling her. Naturally she was devastated and cried for an hour and since then it’s like it hasn’t happened. She is obviously living with us and we don’t want to push her into talking about it but I’m at a loss as to what I can do to help her. I’ve been with her dad since she was 4 and we have a great relationship and I just want to help but we are getting nothing from her at all.

We ask how she is and she just says she’s fine. We have asked if there is anything we can get her from her mums house and she says no. We just don’t know what to do. We don’t want her to think she can’t talk about her feelings or talk about her mum.

I just don’t I what we should be expecting or doing for her and we don’t want to make her feel like she should be reacting in certain way. We are just being guided by her at the minute.

I am going to contact child bereavement Charities but at the moment she is with us constantly and I don’t want to do it in front of her.

any advise would be greatly appreciated.

TIA d

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LuckyCat4 · 22/06/2022 11:23

Hi

My children lost their dad recently, they are aged 12 and 15. It's not the same situation as he hadn't seen them for a few years due to his addiction. However they both loved him very much and miss him.
When I told them he had passed away they were very upset, and even though we knew it was on the cards it was still a huge shock. Both kids are handling it differently. My son is autistic and gets really overwhelmed by his emotions, so he cries when we talk about his dad, he's also been really angry and frustrated. But at other times he is his usual self and just getting on with things.
My daughter is angry at her dad for not seeing her, for lying about his illness and for being nasty to her. She's cried a lot. She's also soldiered on, not missed one GCSE and even did a dance performance the other day.
I think the key is to be led by the child as to what they need. Be as honest and open as you can about what will happen in the future, the funeral plans, where they will live. Let them get upset, angry, anything else they need.
I think Winston's Wish have good support as well as Child Bereavement UK. Also get the school involved as they might have access to counselling.
Take one day at a time and just be consistently there. That's all I'm doing and we'll see how things go

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