How do you cope with the sudden loss of a parent?

[josben]

Lost my dad suddenly 2 1/2 weeks weeks ago - i still can't believe it and am feeling bitter and and angry....

He died suddenly of respiratory failure,... but i still feel like we could have done something more..... How can i stop feeling like this ?

Sorry, no advice or experience, but wanted you to know someone had heard you.

Josben for you -my DM died unexpectly a few months back. The pain, guilt, anger and saddness are all part of the grief and I think it is best to let those feelings happen iykwim. My own DM had alzheimers but was apparently in good physical health so her death was a shock. We beat ourselves up with thoughts that we hadn't done enough/ acted quickly/ done the right thing etc. I can't really offer you any solutions or advice to stop you feeling like this. Sometimes I think we need to have someone or something to blame for our loss to make sense of it, even if it is ourselves. I remind myself that I grieve and miss my DM so much because she was worthy of being missed so much. Take care, give yourself time and try to console yourself with your happy memories of your DDad.

ah, thanks for responding - i never realised that just knowing someone was listening mattered so much when you have lost someone. We have really close family and so we are togethter most most of the time but i think that we still neeed to rant and rave even when it is totally pointless and very upsetting ....
we all miss my dad so much = but it still doesn't seem real...

I guess it must all take time to sink in

Yes it does i think. Don't be too hard or impatient with yourself. Your anger at your loss is understandable. I know the last few months have been a rollercoaster for myself and my family. Give yourself the time and space to rant - mumsnet is good for this I think,there are so many wise, understanding posters about and it also gives you the chance sometimes to escape from the saddness.

Thanks again , I just wonder why my dad ?

He was 68, and he had so much to look forward to and live for... I can't make sense of anything....

Josben I know exactly how you feel - its terrible isn't it? I lost my mum a few months ago and I still can't really believe that I will never see her again. I keep thinking that she must have just gone away for a bit like all the hospital stays she endured in the last few years of her life. I too ,keep thinking I should have done more (even though I know I did absolutely everything I could really and she was just too ill and old ). I'm sure though that its all just part of grieving and as you say the only thing we can do is endure and time will help (I hope so because that is the only thing that keeps me going at times, when I burst into tears yet again). I am not worrying about how I feel though just going with the flow. Look after yourself and just keep remembering all the good memories. I am sure we will both feel better eventually. In the meantime you are not alone .

I'm so sorry - an awful time.
I lost my mother when I was a teenager (after a very long illness - cancer - and it was sort of a relief that it was all over when she died), and my father very suddenly nearly 5 years ago. Sudden deaths are so difficult to come to terms with - you have to comfort yourself that the person who died had very little pain, and that it probably is the best way to go, but for the people left behind it is so hard. The feeling of loss and injustice doesn't ever really go away, but you do get used to that feeling of missing someone (the bereavement sort of becomes part of you), and it won't stop you being happy in the future.

Really sorry to hear. Lost my dad suddenly too - I was in shock and denial for days. Told my sister she was a bitch for joking about something like that. Everyone thought I'd gone mad (which I had!) It was 15 years ago, still miss him loads and remember and honour him (? what I mean is - I'm doing the gardening for eg and think he would have told me to keep on top of weeds and he'd be happy or helping!)
Take it easy on yourself and family and treat yourself to something lovely. X X

josben, I lost my dad nearly 10 years ago and forund the only thing that helps is time

let yourself grieve, how you're feeling is natuaral and right for YOU

sorry, know how awful and hard it is

ssd x x x

I think we expect our parents to live forever too. Especially nowadays when many live to 100+. My dad was 54 - felt so bitter for long time. My Ma was 66 and so young at heart. I can recommend power walking in peaceful place to get rid of some of that pent up anger.
When frineds say is there anything I can do, tell them you'll get back to them and take them up on the offer. Mine were and still are brilliant. x

Josben I'm sorry - it's a horrid thing to go through - there are various stages of the grieving process that we all go through but not always in the same order this is a description of how it works, you can ignore the Christian component of the site though if you like, the grief wheel has nothing to do with religion.

Let yourself grieve and if you struggle and need to talk to someone in RL then Cruse Bereavement are wonderful and offer free counselling sessions, although there is often a wait unfortunately .

It takes time......

My dad died a month ago now and I feel exactly like you. I can't stop going over the last few days of his life and thinking if only we had realised how very ill he was we might have pushed for something more to be done for him. I'm not sure the care he got at the hosiptal was that great and I wasn't able to go to the hospital when he was admitted because I had a horrible flu bug (which spread around in a geriatic ward could have been a disaster). I didn't get to see him until he'd already suffered the heart attack from which he never recovered so I never had the chance to say goodbye. I wish I'd been able to tell him how much I loved him and what a wonderful dad he was. To my lifelong shame I think the last time I spoke to him was to ask to borrow money.

A month on the inital shock is beginning to wear off and I just feel unbearably sad. I can't believe I'll never see him again or hear is voice. The first few weeks seem a blur and there was so much to do and organise. Now it's sinking in.

It feels like my mum has withdrawn from me and and family. I think she is so wrapped up in her own grief that she just isn't interested (fair enough I suppose) but I feel even more alone.

Sorry - not very positve for you but I certainly helps me to think that someone else out there is feeling the same way.

Oh Phlox I really feel for you... it is just so hard I know.

I agree that these first 3 weeks have felt like a bit of a blur. i am going into overdrive taking control of the paperwork and organising everything and it does 'kind of' help being so busy and having to get things done... I still almost feel like my Dads just on holiday and will be back in a few days.

But I can imagine that when reality sinks in it will be so hard... My Mum is still in bits as is my brother.... And I know theres nothing anyone can say or do to change this.

Thanks for posting - it does help to know you are not the only one going through such a difficult time...

My dad died of a heart attack 11 years ago. We found out afterwards that he was on the urgent waiting list for a bypass and I was so angry that neither he nor mum told us how serious it was. He was only 62.

It takes a long time to get used to the idea. I went to phone him so many times in those first few years...

I second the suggestion of Cruse further down the line aways.

hi, my dp lost his mum in dec (just gone) from pneumonia - she was 53- had been ill with a chest infection that took a really bad turn for the worse so they admitted her on to ITU and that was it really. dp's dad died 12 years ago when he was 17 so he seems to have shut down and wont talk about it to me or anyone.
i might try the cruse suggestion, on average how long is the wait??

i lost my mum 28th nov she had some sort of infection but was overweight so we will always wonder. the doc came to see her eventually! they treat her bad,neway my mum was told it wasnt serious and died few days later. She was 48. Im 6months preg with a 2n half yr old. i feel so lost

I'm so sorry for all your losses, I can relate to everything that has been said.

I lost my mum who was 45 very suddenly in a road accident last january. I've no idea how you cope, I can remember nothing about the first few weeks, barely remember the funeral and still have a sense of complete and utter sadness. We had to endure the pain of an inquest, which only took place 6wks ago and I still feel an incredible sense of anger about the whole thing. I'm still waiting to be able to go bed at night and not see the flashes of what happened in her final moments. I miss her terrbibly.

I think the thing that gets you through is those around you, talking and listening are wonderful tools.

Hi, I lost my dm 3 years ago and my dd 10 years ago and they were both completely unexpected.
I found my dm as it happened at home and I called an abulance and she was slipping in and out. My older sister phoned and told me that I was silly to have called the ambulence.. She went to hospital and I went with in the ambulence. I guessed it was a stroke and when we got to the hospital they gave her a brain scan and she had hemorraged and there was nothing they could do.. She died at 5 am.
I can honestly say my heart broke and I still miss her.
What I found that you have a better day in the middle of this and then a while later you'll have a better one and then another until the better days out weight the bad ones. It helped for me to keep telling the story of how she died and that was something a friend told me to do and slowly I think you start to put it in order in your mind. I felt angry with everything all the little things more so than the big things. I spoke to a paramedic who explained that had she been in hospital the week before and they knew the problem they wouldn't have been able to save her. That helped last year when I was obsessing about it. Which I tend to do time to time.
I feel angry when people do things with their mum and also a bit bitter. Also the cycle someone else spoke about is very true. You will start to feel better.

I can also relate with the feeling of keep remembering and imagining the last moments and I think that's where telling people what happens helps.

My thoughts are with you and everyone else on this thread x

Oh Leoleo I'm so sorry for your losses. That must be so hard for you. Thank you for your advice - I think that things are so busy at the moment I haven't had time to make sense of what has happened in my mind... I don't like to keep talking about what has happened to friends and family but maybe going over things is a good way forward...

so sorry for you, and your reaction is perfectly normal IMO. I also felt very bitter and very angry, because I thought the Drs had screwed up my Dad's care; looking back, Ijust think I needed someone to blame other than my lovely Dad for losing him. My Dad died of cancer. Definitely not a sudden death, far from it. Looking back, I know it woudl have been better for him to have gone suddenly. I know the shock would have been greater for me and the family, but the pain of seeing him suffer was awful for us, and we know he suffered a great deal in the last few months. I've no idea whether you can take any comfort from the fact that your Dad didn't suffer. We all deal with grief in our own ways, so it's hard to give advice other than to say obviously there are lots of people here ready to listen as and when you need it. The other thing I found was that I could cope really well for ages, then it would suddenly hit me and I'd have a rough few days. Try to take care of yourself physically, you'll need all the strength you can get. Thinking of you...

Ladette, I think that we can take some comfort from the fact that my Dad was in no pain, and that for him is was absolutley the best way to go - he had a lovely Xmas Day, ate, drank and was merry with his family, and we do try to remember that.... I really feel for you having to watch your Dad suffer - that must have been so painful for all of you. Thanks for your post - thinking of you also.

It was quite a while ago for me Josben, so I know it does get easier. Sadly, no-one can take the pain away in the meantime, it's something you have to get through in whichever way works for you. Others around you might cope in different ways, which can sometimes be difficult to deal with too. Take care xxx

Lost my Dad suddenly last May. He was 62. So sorry for evreyone else grieving on here. The best advice I can give is to say that there is no advice. Just listen to your heart and do what you feel is right for you: Screaming, crying, even laughing about the good times, all have their place in the grieving process. I'm quiet and reflective about Dad now but that may not be right for everyone. Take care. xx

wise post Chip Butty. Sorry for your loss too.

I'm sorry to say that it will take time and the grief will lessen but come back in waves every now and again. I lost my Dad 2 years ago this month, and I've had a terrible week mourning him all over again.

He went into hospital for a small, routine op which had "complications" and he never woke up. He was otherwise a young, well and fit 71 year old. Massive shock for us all. I'm so sorry you're going through something similar and I hope you have loving support around you.

MN helped me tremendously, it was just somewhere I could write it all down when it got too much to talk about.