Anyone lost a sibling as a child?

[spinachmonster]

I was just about 4 when my younger brother died aged 9months. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time really as it was all I knew. Only when I got older did I realise it's (very luckily) quite unusual in our country- U.K.)

Now I'm in my 40's it somehow seems bigger than ever. I don't think I processed it at all at the time and I can see now how much it has affected my life and behaviour.
(Especially since becoming a parent in my 30's, the significance of it really sunk in.)

Just wondered because I don't know anyone else this has happened to. I wondered if anyone else has experienced anything similar and if so, have any tips about how to process/ deal with it. Remember him.

Thank you.

This is such a sad thread. I’m so sorry for all those affected by this.

I know 4 families who have lost a child and in 3 of those families another child has chosen to go NC with their parents. There must be some connection and it’s obviously something that should be recognised and addressed.

My mil (10)lost a dsis(aged 7) when her nightdress caught fire in front of the rest of the family. Mil wasn't a pleasant woman - she was a bit reckless with my dc's safety. When if anything I would have thought she would take more care.

I lost dc through mc but my dc will never know. A well know family on TV have a grave etc for a 3 month pregnancy loss . An awful lot to put living dc through imo.

Thank you all for sharing. What strikes me is that people often use the word 'deal with it'.. and I often reflect on what that means.. I do not think there is a right way to deal with death properly, to process it. It is very hard for everyone involved. I think some things help... like talking about it because totally suppressing emotions doesn't seem to help the person experiencing the grief, or those around them. Children of parents who totally shut down struggle. Equally, I have seen family members openly grieve their losses and seem totally consumed by the loss and this also has an impact on their other children. And as seen on this thread, parents who carry on, seeming to show on the surface, that they 'have gotten over it' also have an impact on their children. I don't see that anyone who experiences close loss, ever gets over it, some people learn to live with in, in different ways to other people. My father shrugs and says.. 'that's life'... but I don't think that can really be how he feels. My mother is consumed by her grief and it stops her from feeling positive emotions as everything is reflected in what was lost. I find the enormity of those perspectives difficult to integrate in my own thoughts and feelings.

@TheGetaway

Regarding your point about children going no contact.

My experience is that my parent has not ever got the loss of their child to extent that they checked out of parenting me and have kept me at arms length most of my life.
I've spent years feeling responsibility for their welfare because what happened was so awful but it got me no where.

I've had to learn that the responsibility to make it better/ process it was only theirs and definitely not mine. They chose to not work on the grief or find a way to push forward to support rest of children. In fact the death has never been discussed.

I know I'm making it sound simple and slightly harsh but I'm now done with it. Said parent doesn't add to my life at all and I am on the edge of going no contact for my own sanity.

We thought we were going to lose my older son for a brief period this year FirstAid and there was this weird “checking out” feeling for a couple of weeks. It was a weird sort of loss/grief thing, am nearly back to normal now. Of course you must do what you have to do but I guess this checking out is really a thing. I thought it was just me.