Anyone lost a sibling as a child?

[spinachmonster]

I was just about 4 when my younger brother died aged 9months. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time really as it was all I knew. Only when I got older did I realise it's (very luckily) quite unusual in our country- U.K.)

Now I'm in my 40's it somehow seems bigger than ever. I don't think I processed it at all at the time and I can see now how much it has affected my life and behaviour.
(Especially since becoming a parent in my 30's, the significance of it really sunk in.)

Just wondered because I don't know anyone else this has happened to. I wondered if anyone else has experienced anything similar and if so, have any tips about how to process/ deal with it. Remember him.

Thank you.

I'm the eldest of three boys. My youngest brother was very ill from the age of six with a brain tumor. He had exceptionally violent psychotic episodes. From the age of 12 I had to physically restrain him to prevent him hurting himself or someone else, he'd often be armed with a knife or hammer etc.

He would spend months at a time in hospital, GOS, Radcliffe etc. We'd go to see him, get to know other kids and siblings, then they would just disappear.

When I was 14 my Dad took me to one side and told me that youngest bro was going to have a brain operation to remove the tumor. He told me it was my responsibility to look after my middle brother while he looked after my Mum.

When my other brother and I went to uni, Mum and Dad could no longer physically handle YB so he was placed into care at various institutions around the country.

YB died in a care home shortly before his 21st birthday. I was 22. I don't regret his death as much as regret his quality of life.

My biggest regret is that I never told him I loved him.

This is the first time I have written this down. He'd be 50 in six weeks time.

Not the same OP, but my oldest daughter died before her younger siblings were born. We have photos of her in the house and as they get older will tell them about her. I am very sad my younger daughter will never have a (living) sister and need to be careful not to project that sadness onto her.
There have only been 3 birthdays so far but we tend not to celebrate or have cake, it just doesn’t feel right.

I lost a brother to Muscular Dystrophy. As we were growing up mum was always busy with caring for him.We learned how to be emotionally independent through circumstances. When he passed away I never really knew how much grief she had. Obviously we were all sad and full of grief, but had no idea of how deep and profound it was for her.
Fast forward 6 years and the stillbirth of my daughter. It took another tragedy to understand how she must have felt. She's also gone now and the impact it must have had on her was never really discussed or recognised. I would have spent more time with her instead of being busy with my own life.
When people ask how many siblings I have, I need to decide if I say one brother or two. The awkwardness of the silence then explanation is uncomfortable . It is the same as when I say how many children I have, close friends know about my stillborn child, but I don't always want that awkward silence and explanation with everyone who asks.

@Derrymum123 When people ask how many siblings I have, I need to decide if I say one brother or two. The awkwardness of the silence then explanation is uncomfortable .

Every time, after 30 years I still don't know what to say.

Thanks @Roseau18. Without wanting to derail the thread for @spinachmonster - yes we talk about death and the fact that everyone of us will die one day often.

We talk about my son/ their brother a lot and still include him in our life as much as we can. And we let them know that they can still be happy, they can talk about him as much as they want to or don't want too, and sometimes it will make Mummy and Daddy sad but that's ok as we like talking about him.

I worry so much for them and their future after going through this. I know that I am broken now and will never be fixed, but I hope that they can heal enough to have normal life one day.

It is nice to be able to get the thoughts and feelings of grown up bereaved siblings and other loss parents in this thread

My parents lost their first child as a small baby before I was born. They have no photos and I didn’t know of his existence till I was 14.

I don’t know whether they would have been different, less anxious parents without that loss. If he had lived, he would have been profoundly disabled and my other brother and I probably wouldn’t exist. Apparently they had X-rays (hmm) throughout pregnancy with me and my other brother to check for similar problems.

I never know whether to talk to (very elderly) mum about her first boy.

@blocker. I think most of the damage with me was because of the secrecy. When I did ask a question about him when I was around 9 or 10 I was made to feel absolutely terrible about having asked and have never dared ask again, although there are things I would really like to know.
What brought things to the surface again for me was a late miscarriage (two days later it would have been a still-birth[ in quite traumatic circumstances. The therapist helped me see a link between this and my baby brother's death and how both have caused high anxiety levels around my living children.

Not a sibling, but my best friend died when I was just 12, she was just 14. Thé family asked to have the choir at her funeral, and 2 of us knew her well. Her coffin was in the middle of thé chancel right in front of my eyes. 5 years later, her dm died and the same happened, except this time I was head chorister less than 6ft away from the family. I knew them from when I was 5. It was horrible.

@blocker I am sorry that you don't have your youngest with you anymore. It is the hardest thing. ( I don't like saying 'loss', I haven't lost my daughter, she died. I know that sounds blunt, but it is my truth.) Can I ask you how the play therapy works? I am not in the UK, but I really feel that my son needs some help processing everything that has happened to him.

As others have said, I struggle with what to say when people ask how many children I have.

Yes. 1980s and sids. I can still see my mother on the stairs screaming he’s dead snd my dads face. I remember hiding under a table as they took him out on a stretcher. No paramedics in those days. There were loads of police - normal in those days. No counselling. No discussion. I wasn’t allowed to his funeral. No chance to say goodbye. On my notes years ago I was shocked to see it was listed as the most significant event in my history. Although in hind sight I can see that it is correct. I grew up fast after that, my childhood ended.

As a mother of two boys it has affected me as a parent. I remember the sheer panic with ds1 - as per guidelines he had only just moved to his own room. H went to work and shut the door. I woke up to silence. I was panicked- why hadn’t he woken? I could not open the door. I just sat sobbing in fear. With ds 2 he got bronchitis and went grey at home. Again I froze and h had to do checks as we waited for ambulance. Even now I can’t open bedroom doors and check once they have gone to bed. H does that.

My parents never managed to care for children as babies. In case history repeated.

Similarly I will assume by default that if my kids haven't woken as expected that they are dead. They have no idea of course.
Im single parent so I do the checking at night which is ok actually but the mornings makes me shudder.

It is that default thing isn't it?! That the worst case scenario will be what has happened because it already has

My brother died when he was 3,in an accident- I was nearly 6. I saw the end of it, and my mother screaming and panicking. I was told later I shouldn't talk about him, and act like I never had a brother. My sister was born around 15 months later. A lot of what others here have said resonates - it never leaves you. I spent years half expecting him to come back as I didn't entirely understand. When my own 1st child turned the same age I was a wreck, because boys that age die 😞

For me it has been somewhat complicated by the fact that my brother had a condition that my child also has (and I've just been diagnosed too). It's oddly a sort of link to him, but I can't mention it to my father as it will be even less welcome news because of that link. It's all just so complex ❤

I also tend to assume 'Oh, they may have died' as a possibility much earlier than normal people do....

I lost my 19 year old brother when I was 14.
My mum obviously was in pieces for a long time. I didn't help situations as I completely went off the rails due to bullying and other things going on. I never really "dealt" with the death of DB.

When I gave birth to my PFB I had terrible PTSD due to past trauma. Still have bad attacks now 12 years later but they are a lot more managed with medication.

I’m sorry to read this OP
My husband’s older brother died before he was born. It was probably around birth but he was never told of the circumstances. Thinking about it I’m not sure he even knows when his brother’s birthday is.

The only time it has really been talked about was when I was pregnant and we were wondering if there might be a genetic cause but he never felt he could ask as all conversation had been shut down. I’m now wondering if it has impacted him more than I realised!
I hope you can find a way to process this x

A lot of us here have experience of what seems like 70s / 80s / early 90s where the majority of sibling deaths were brushed under the carpet.

Are things better now in 2022?

Id recommend these books telling stories on sibling death.

The day that went missing- Richard beard
The consequences of love - Gavvandra hodge

Both are examples of a dead sibling being almost forgotten but not.

I lost a sister at birth, I was 5. Old enough to understand something had happened, but young enough not to fully understand. It wasn't really discussed, just something that happened. I understand now this triggered a MH breakdown in my Mum & I was mostly looked after by my Nan. My Mum obviously needed help, but never got any.

Then a few years ago I tragically lost my second sister in her early thirties. Oddly enough this prompted my parents to talk about both of them, that they should have 4 girls, and 2 will always be missing now. They told us exactly happened for the first time too.

As a previous poster said, I always stumble when asked about siblings. Someone once joked 'Don't you know how many you have'.

Sibling grief is often a forgotten grief. It's the loss of shared childhood experience and appreciation of the family dynamic that no outsider gets.

@Thearex Sibling grief is often a forgotten grief. It's the loss of shared childhood experience and appreciation of the family dynamic that no outsider gets.

absolutely this 💔

Happened to my best friend, her sibling died at birth but she wasn’t made aware until pregnant with her first child. It had quite an affect on her. My other close friend lost her sibling in their teens, and she’s never got over it nor will do.

My partner lost his sister to battens disease

he doesn’t think it affected him too badly-he knew she was going to die from her aged 7 and him 9,and his mum was amazing when he was growing up-balancing both their very different needs and he says he had a happy childhood even though the cloud of ‘we’re going to lose her any day now’ was over their heads

she died when she was 22 and he was 24

it did affect him-he met and married a (mildly) disabled woman (it’s a sight physical disability-not a shortening life one) and had two kids

he did everything for his family-but both parties where unhappy and he left her-at her suggestion (she ordered him to leave)

the (now ex) wife is the most bitter,spiteful and evil woman I’ve ever (not) met in my life (I’ve never met her in the flesh,but by god,I’ve taken her bile)

he lets a lot slide but I’ve spoken to both his parents and they agree with me-he married her to right a wrong because of his sister-he couldn’t cure her,but he could help the ex wife

it didn’t work and a lot of people are stuck in the downfall of this marriage

oddly he never calls her by her name-she’s always ‘my sister’

I think it’s his way of detracting from the pain of losing her

My husband's 8 year old brother died when my husband was 11. My husband talks about him in stories about growing up and his existence was never hidden away which was a positive thing. His parents then went on to have two more children, the youngest of which actually struggles more with his siblings death, because in all likelihood he wouldn't have existed had they not died.

My father's little brother died when he was 2 of appendicitis. Two years later, at the age of 6, my father almost died of appendicitis too. My father remembered his mother screaming and throwing herself on the floor begging the doctor to operate on him (the doctor said it was too late for my father too). That was in 1914.

My father used to go with his mother to the graveyard and sit with her while she cried. 90 years later he told me that the greatest regret of his life was that he didn't maintain his brother's grave. It was a Jewish grave in Berlin from before the first world war.