I just need to tell someone what happened, I hope you don't mind.
I should preface this by saying Im autistic and adhd (though undiagnosed at the time).
Basically I found my mum dead when I was 13. I was alone with her overnight. The day before was very sunny and I was playing in the garden with our almost one year old dog. I got a phonecall from her friend and went to give the phone to her, but she was asleep and snoring weirdly and I couldnt wake her. Shed been ill and tired for a few days before hand, so I assumed that was why she was asleep. Later that night I thought I really think she is dead, but just ignored it as it was late and i didnt want to think like that.
The next day my nan phoned to see how she was, as they had left the morning of the previous day and my dad was due back from abroad that day, so I was only alone with her overnight and obviously no one would think she would die. So I went to check on her and give her the phone and she was cold and stiff. I told my nan this and she said to go and get a neighbour.
so i went outside and no neighbours were in but there was a man dropping something off for a neighbour who I knew, so he came in and phoned 999 and i was shut out of the room, whilst he did cpr, which i thought was weird because she was cold.
Then the paramedics, police and a family friend came round. and I was asked lots of questions which I answered.
Then y dad came back and he was very upset, (understandbly). I hadnt even cried (apparently I was in shock i dunno). I just found this all very annoying, and was trying to help as much as possible.
I found out years later that she died of a brain hemmorage (however you spell that word). And she had undiagnosed Acute myeloid leukemia, which is why she was so tired and ill, in the few days before hand.
I feel like there is some things i have missed out but im not too sure, it has been 14 years.
I get flashbacks and stuff, and I really hate this. Ive never written it down before.
Mental health servcies havent really helped (i have other mental health issues too), they havent focused on the root cause of my issues just the peripheral problem.
Im not too sure what im looking for, maybe just some kind words.
I feel like i never really grieved till recently (like the past year).
I never really felt it at the time but im defiitely feeling it now.
thank you for reading if you got this far.