*trigger warning* I think Im in more pain now than when it happened

[Batman123]

I just need to tell someone what happened, I hope you don't mind.

I should preface this by saying Im autistic and adhd (though undiagnosed at the time).

Basically I found my mum dead when I was 13. I was alone with her overnight. The day before was very sunny and I was playing in the garden with our almost one year old dog. I got a phonecall from her friend and went to give the phone to her, but she was asleep and snoring weirdly and I couldnt wake her. Shed been ill and tired for a few days before hand, so I assumed that was why she was asleep. Later that night I thought I really think she is dead, but just ignored it as it was late and i didnt want to think like that.

The next day my nan phoned to see how she was, as they had left the morning of the previous day and my dad was due back from abroad that day, so I was only alone with her overnight and obviously no one would think she would die. So I went to check on her and give her the phone and she was cold and stiff. I told my nan this and she said to go and get a neighbour.

so i went outside and no neighbours were in but there was a man dropping something off for a neighbour who I knew, so he came in and phoned 999 and i was shut out of the room, whilst he did cpr, which i thought was weird because she was cold.

Then the paramedics, police and a family friend came round. and I was asked lots of questions which I answered.

Then y dad came back and he was very upset, (understandbly). I hadnt even cried (apparently I was in shock i dunno). I just found this all very annoying, and was trying to help as much as possible.

I found out years later that she died of a brain hemmorage (however you spell that word). And she had undiagnosed Acute myeloid leukemia, which is why she was so tired and ill, in the few days before hand.

I feel like there is some things i have missed out but im not too sure, it has been 14 years.

I get flashbacks and stuff, and I really hate this. Ive never written it down before.

Mental health servcies havent really helped (i have other mental health issues too), they havent focused on the root cause of my issues just the peripheral problem.

Im not too sure what im looking for, maybe just some kind words.

I feel like i never really grieved till recently (like the past year).

I never really felt it at the time but im defiitely feeling it now.

thank you for reading if you got this far.

I am so sorry that this happened to you, Op.

Oh you poor thing - what a traumatic thing to go through when you were just a child. What do you think would help you make peace with what happened? Would you like to tell us about your mum?

Much love to you

This is so sad, but I hope you take some comfort from the fact you were with her when she died. She was not alone, and knew you were there.
I was with my mum when she passed, and I’m so glad. It gives me comfort knowing I was holding her hand.
Talk about it as much as you can, it does help.
Unfortunately the pain never goes, it comes and goes like the tide.

Oh you poor thing. What a thing to happen!

Is there anything in the past year that has triggered things into finally hitting you?

That's a very traumatic thing for such a young person to go through, much love to you

So sorry to hear what you went through at such a young age. I hope talking about it helps and I hope you can get some help from mental health services xx

Sorry this happened to you.

I would recommend EMDR therapy- if you search the havening technique with Paul Mckenna on youtube it works to help take the traumatic emotional response out of the memory.

What a dreadful thing to have happened to you. I think often what we need are kind words. I’m sure you’ll get plenty of those here.

I had counselling after my parents died but I’m not convinced it helped much. What did help was a good friend who’d lost her mum quite young who hugged me (we are still very good friends). Also hobbies that absorbed me (running, swimming and sewing). I think that unfortunately when we lose a parent, what we need is love, reassurance and hugs and for most people the main source of those very things are our parents. Not only have we lost a parent, we’ve lost the person who protects and loves us through such tough and painful experiences.

It must have been a very confusing and surreal experience for you at a very young age which is bound to have traumatised you. I would keep seeking out help with methods to soothe the trauma. Your mum would want that for you. Hope this helps a bit and big hug.

I don’t think anything can make me be at peace with this unfortunately.

I don’t really remember anything good (there was plenty good I just don’t remember it), but she used to put her cold hands up my top to tease me, in a good way not a mean way.

We’ve been visiting her grave, after finally putting one up. It’s a 10 hour round trip but it’s in such a beautiful place.

I think that grief isn’t linear MC whatever you’re feeling now, however long after the event is valid. Therapy may help. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

My god you poor thing, how shocking and traumatic, and what a terrible loss.

I agree with the poster who recommended EMDR therapy, I wonder if there is any way you could have this funded publicly if you cannot pay for it yourself?

I found it life changing. You still have the memory but it doesn’t butt into your life and keep throwing you off course, it’s like having your memories organised into a manageable state.

That would be my suggestion for managing flashbacks and pain ie trauma.

I would also recommend some kind of therapy to work through your enormous loss and grief. There is so much in what you have described, the confusion and shock, and the indignant eat being literally shut out. And your poor mum being so sick and yet undiagnosed, and your dad being away at the time he was most needed by you both. All of you were dealt a terrible hand.

Talking therapy is an option and there are other options too. I do art therapy which I find very soothing. I make beautiful things (sculpture or collage) to express each great difficulty and for me that somehow puts my mind at rest on that sadness.

XX

Were you diagnosed with Autism/ADHD recently op? I have realised I'm ND in the last few months and it has made me reevaluate my whole life. It might be similar for you?
I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic loss at such a young age.

I’m sorry but that is a truly bizarre post. Absolutely nothing in the OP suggests neurodiversity, that’s a wild extrapolation. And what difference does it make? She is still saddled with severe trauma.

The OP literally says she is autistic.

@FogLight OP literally states 3 lines in that’s she is Autistic and has ADHD.

So sorry OP. What an awful thing to have to deal with at such a young age. 💐

OP, if you are on FB there is a group called Adults bereaved as children. It might be worth joining, having a read of other people’s experiences and then, when you’re ready, share your own story. It is incredibly supportive and a wealth of advice is shared readily.

@ClemDanFango ans @Suprima

yes she does, I apologise, I totally missed that!

I still don’t think it makes a blind bit of difference. Anyone who has experienced what she had would be severely traumatised.

Bear in mind too that trauma can induce ADD.

I'm not sure what wound you up so much about my post. I was trying to be supportive and suggesting a possible explanation as to why op was feeling the grief so acutely. I never once said she wouldn't be severely traumatised. Of course she would be.

I’m not sure why you imagine I am “wound up”?

I pointed out that anyone would be traumatised, ND or not. Being autistic or ADHD is neither here nor there 🤷‍♀️

I think you owe it to yourself to forgive yourself. 13 year olds are not equipped with rules to deal with situations like that.

You poor thing. Sending you hugs. Just wanted to say I have an ex who was taken I’ll with Acute leukaemia and he literally died of a brain haemorrhage within 48 hours despite being in hospital. I just share it to say this is an entirely normal if horrendous circumstance, and not one that anyone could have done anything about. I just thought that question might lie at the heart of some of you trauma and having that explained might help.

have you tried counselling?

It's really common after an autism diagnosis (or similar) to reflect back on your whole life given what you now know about yourself. So this was a really sensible suggestion as to why these feelings and thoughts are resurfacing now.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you lost your mum at such a young age and in such a shocking way. It's not surprising the thirteen year old you wasn't able to process what happened. Now you are grieving and reaching out on this thread - this is a brilliant and brave first step, which really can be the beginning of a brighter future for you.

What happened to your mum was in no way your fault and you could not have changed what happened. You and your family were victims. Even the adults couldn't have changed the outcome. I suspect at some level you feel you got things wrong. You did not.

I really think you can find a way to a happier future by addressing your grief and all the complex emotions surrounding it. There are plenty of bereavement charities who can help and there are counsellors who specialize in bereavement and trauma. If you deal with the trauma you may find you can then recover happier memories of your mum. And you can carry these happier memories forward with you. If you can't remember much from before she died, perhaps ask family and friends for their memories of your mum.

But most importantly, please do get help to deal with what happened. You are very young, reflective and eloquent - be your own advocate. Find some help to reduce the burden you are carrying.

Things really can get better.