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Bereavement

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Original poster

Should I send a card or a FB message?

30 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/04/2022 09:02

A friend I haven't seen for 5 years has just lost her teenage son in the most tragic of circumstances. She will no doubt be in absolute bits ATM. We fell out, not in a major way, but our last conversation ended with me hanging up on her. Our DDs (both 18 now) also fell out. I knew the boy more when he was a toddler/young child and thought alot of him but hadn't really seen him for around 7 years.

So what's appropriate? She's posted about it on FB but we're not FB friends. Do I send her a message or post a sympathy card? I know when I had bereavements I really appreciated any cards or messages from anyone.

OP posts:
Moochio · 19/04/2022 09:21

If you're not even Facebook friends how did you see her post? Is it public? In which case a message would be fine.

SoManyTshirts · 19/04/2022 09:28

I wouldn’t send either, you haven’t been friends for 5 years so she’s unlikely to want to hear from you.
Sorry that sounds blunt, but that’s how I would feel.

drpet49 · 19/04/2022 09:29

* I wouldn’t send either, you haven’t been friends for 5 years so she’s unlikely to want to hear from you. Sorry that sounds blunt, but that’s how I would feel.*

^This. You are her not friends, even your kids fell out. Leave the family alone.

C25kBecky · 19/04/2022 09:31

I'd send a card. She can ignore or contact you as she wishes. But it lets her know you are thinking of her and may rekindle your friendship.

SophieSoSo · 19/04/2022 09:32

As someone who lost a sibling in tragic circumstances I know my parents appreciated every single card they received, even from people they had fallen out with.

It puts everything into perspective, your fall out is irrelevant. Do you really want to be the person that didn’t send a card or when your old friend lost a child?

Please do send one.

effoffyouseeyounexttuesday · 19/04/2022 09:34

I'd have thought a fb message to acknowledge a bereavement/ send condolences wouldn't ever be appropriate.

Send a card. Then she doesn't have to reply but will have received your good wishes.

GoldenGorilla · 19/04/2022 09:38

I don’t think a Facebook message is appropriate at all.

Do send a card. Include some kind of fond memory of her son when he was young. Say how sorry you were to hear.

It’s the right thing to do.

FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 19/04/2022 09:40

A card

PotteringAlong · 19/04/2022 09:41

A card.

IcedOatLatte · 19/04/2022 09:41

Definitely card, unless I didn't have an address I'd think a social media message a bit strange. As you aren't friends on FB she won't necessarily know you've sent a message.

victopai · 19/04/2022 09:42

I think you should send a card. More appropriate.

TheMooch · 19/04/2022 09:43

Card.

AchillesPoirot · 19/04/2022 09:43

If you decide to do anything I’d send a card

doggiescats · 19/04/2022 09:44

How tragic…yes definitely send a card with a short thoughtful message.
Definitely do not send FB message…just not appropriate way of contacting anyone at such a sad time .

BungleandGeorge · 19/04/2022 09:50

If you’d just lost touch I’d say send a card bug you fell out? And your daughters fell out? Is it going to upset her further or bring negative emotions to hear from you? I understand you feel bad for your friend but she is the person who matters in this so how do you think she would feel?

Outlyingtrout · 19/04/2022 09:51

I think it depends if you were close before falling out. If you had previously had a close friendship then I would send a card. Definitely don't reference the falling out at all because that's utterly trivial to her now, but as a PP said I'd include something personal about your memory of her son.

If you weren't particularly close to begin with then I'd just leave her alone. And I wouldn't send a Facebook message as that would not be appropriate.

CavernousScream · 19/04/2022 09:54

I think bereavement is a time for reaching out. I’d send a card, because it doesn’t imply a need to respond. Put some lovely memories of her son in your messages.

BigcatLittlecat · 19/04/2022 09:55

Having recently lost a sibling, I say send a card. The card shows more effort than a facebook message and I know that I really appreciated the cards. I had cards from old friends who I hadn't been in contact for a whole and it meant so much. Also the losing of a child outweighs all the hurt of the past, there are bigger things to think about. Send a card, you won't regret it.

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/04/2022 09:57

A card.

jay55 · 19/04/2022 10:25

Send a card. Include a nice story about her son in it.

boronia · 19/04/2022 10:29

@GoldenGorilla

I don’t think a Facebook message is appropriate at all.

Do send a card. Include some kind of fond memory of her son when he was young. Say how sorry you were to hear.

It’s the right thing to do.

This is what I would do.
ThePoint678 · 19/04/2022 10:43

Send a card but don’t expect a response. Don’t send a Facebook message - that is never appropriate when you’re not even Facebook friends.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 19/04/2022 11:04

Thanks all. I don't expect to rekindle the friendship or to get a response. It wasn't a big fall out, our DDs had a disagreement (although they have spoken a little bit since) and we ended up getting involved. If I saw her in the street I'd say hello

OP posts:
Skinterior · 19/04/2022 11:26

I would 100% send a card. You don't need to go into the history in the card, just the fact that you're thinking of her is enough.

bloodywhitecat · 19/04/2022 11:57

A card would be appropriate.