Still born at 25+6

[Nadmo]

It has been 2 weeks exactly since I was told that my beautiful daughters heart had stopped beating. I gave birth to my angel on 1/3/22 at 9:04am. She weighed 2 weeks heavier than her gestation and looked just like her daddy. I feel numb, angry, heartbroken, empty and like nothing will ever make this pain go away. We named our baby girl Valentina Reign. She was our first baby and all we had ever dreamed of and more. I had a straightforward pregnancy and she was SO active. I felt her move very early on despite being told I had an anterior placenta and not to expect movement until 22weeks + our gorgeous girl let me know she was there from 16 weeks and soon after my partner started to feel her beautiful kicks. She was obsessed with her daddy and would do somersaults whenever she could hear his voice. Please someone tell me this gets easier. I miss my baby girl so much, the thought of living without her kills me and I can’t stop thinking what I could have done to stop this from happening.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Have you been offered counselling? Think this would be beneficial to you.

I’m so sorry.

So Sorry for your heartbreaking loss
💕💕

My grandmother had 2 stillborn children and also has 3 grown children. She gave birth to them in the 1950s, and even though she never “knew” her stillborn babies, they are still loved and missed. BUT the pain of their loss subsided. My grandmother has told me about her stillborn children, and I know that she still thinks about them now at the age of 89. But my grandmother also had (and has) amazing relationships with her living children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and has lived a truly remarkable and exciting life.

All this to say: what you are going through is major and it is heart-wrenching. Don’t expect to “feel better” or “get over it” on any sort of set timeline. But know that the pain will lessen over time, and it will lessen without you ever having to feel like you need to forget your sweet child. The gap left by a child’s loss can exist alongside a healthy, happy, fulfilling life. There is tension there, and it will take time to settle into the right holding pattern. Therapy could help, and so will time. But I wanted to give you some hope that things won’t feel as bleak forever as they must feel now.

Giant hug - I am so sorry for your loss. Fellow mums grieve for your baby and pray for your physical and emotional recovery. x

I'm so sorry my love, I can't imagine what you are going through. God bless you and little Valentina Reign xx

Sending you lots of love xx

Ah I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter, Valentina Reign.
She will never be forgotten xxx

(@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers, that was a lovely & very wise post)

I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl. Xxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Life is so unfair. What a beautiful name, Valentina Reign. Did you take pictures of her? I found so much comfort printing and looking at pictures.

You couldn't have done anything. The what ifs will drive you crazy. These things happen. Life is just really shit sometimes and it is not fair.

The pain is breathtakingly awful and if I am honest, I'm 6 years in after the death of my twins and some days it's still so raw, but it has certainly got easier with time. Sadly, you learn to live with it and learn to live a new normal where your heart it broken but you function. Things soften and you will feel happiness and joy again.

I know this may be too early to think about but I wish someone had said this as it has caused me a lot of guilt in the early days. It's fine to start trying for another baby whenever you feel ready. It doesn't take away your love for your daughter. I found being pregnant again gave me hope.

Keep talking about how you feel. I am so sorry xxx

God I am so sorry, your daughter sounds beautiful, and her name is stunning.

I had a late term loss, and the first few weeks I truly didn’t think I was going to survive. The pain is beyond anything I could imagine. It doesn’t get easier as such, but it becomes less sharp and you learn to move around it. Ten years on I still miss my boy more than words, but he is a part of me now.

I know it is the worst thing to hear, but time is the only thing that works. And I agree with the above poster, do not feel an ounce of guilt about trying again. My daughter was instrumental in my healing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from anyone, and do whatever you can that makes you feel better - even if it only lasts a minute.

Sending you so much love and strength. I’ll light a candle for your darling girl tonight

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers

My grandmother had 2 stillborn children and also has 3 grown children. She gave birth to them in the 1950s, and even though she never “knew” her stillborn babies, they are still loved and missed. BUT the pain of their loss subsided. My grandmother has told me about her stillborn children, and I know that she still thinks about them now at the age of 89. But my grandmother also had (and has) amazing relationships with her living children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren and has lived a truly remarkable and exciting life.

All this to say: what you are going through is major and it is heart-wrenching. Don’t expect to “feel better” or “get over it” on any sort of set timeline. But know that the pain will lessen over time, and it will lessen without you ever having to feel like you need to forget your sweet child. The gap left by a child’s loss can exist alongside a healthy, happy, fulfilling life. There is tension there, and it will take time to settle into the right holding pattern. Therapy could help, and so will time. But I wanted to give you some hope that things won’t feel as bleak forever as they must feel now.

Giant hug - I am so sorry for your loss. Fellow mums grieve for your baby and pray for your physical and emotional recovery. x

Thank you so much for your reply and to all the lovely people sending so much love. Your grandmothers story is so heartbreaking but shows there is always light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for sharing it means more than you could ever imagine.

I am so sorry and have no words of wisdom, but send and prayers for your family.

Your daughter’s name is wonderful. She is clearly so very loved.

@BrownRogerForever

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Life is so unfair. What a beautiful name, Valentina Reign. Did you take pictures of her? I found so much comfort printing and looking at pictures.

You couldn't have done anything. The what ifs will drive you crazy. These things happen. Life is just really shit sometimes and it is not fair.

The pain is breathtakingly awful and if I am honest, I'm 6 years in after the death of my twins and some days it's still so raw, but it has certainly got easier with time. Sadly, you learn to live with it and learn to live a new normal where your heart it broken but you function. Things soften and you will feel happiness and joy again.

I know this may be too early to think about but I wish someone had said this as it has caused me a lot of guilt in the early days. It's fine to start trying for another baby whenever you feel ready. It doesn't take away your love for your daughter. I found being pregnant again gave me hope.

Keep talking about how you feel. I am so sorry xxx

We took so many pictures of her but I find them so hard to look at. I just break down. We spent two days with her in her cold cot in the hospital but once we left everything has become so much harder. She has gone to GOSH for a post mortem, I know everyone says it’s rare to find the cause but I physically cannot help but think it was something I did. I can’t stop running through every last thing in my head and the what ifs. I would love to be pregnant again, I miss the feeling so much, the truth is being pregnant with Valentina was the only time in my entire life I have ever felt beautiful. I adored looking at my growing bump in the mirror everyday it made me feel so amazing that I was growing this beautiful life inside of me. I am also so petrified of being pregnant again, how did you not worry at everything? Does it get easier as your pregnancy progresses? I miss my baby girl kicking me non stop and seeing my tummy move at how strong she was, I wish I could have saved her I would do anything to go back in time and change things.

@Ostryga

God I am so sorry, your daughter sounds beautiful, and her name is stunning.

I had a late term loss, and the first few weeks I truly didn’t think I was going to survive. The pain is beyond anything I could imagine. It doesn’t get easier as such, but it becomes less sharp and you learn to move around it. Ten years on I still miss my boy more than words, but he is a part of me now.

I know it is the worst thing to hear, but time is the only thing that works. And I agree with the above poster, do not feel an ounce of guilt about trying again. My daughter was instrumental in my healing.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from anyone, and do whatever you can that makes you feel better - even if it only lasts a minute.

Sending you so much love and strength. I’ll light a candle for your darling girl tonight

You are so kind. Thank you for sharing with me it means so much. I feel so alone but hearing everyone’s kinds words and stories makes me feel like I’m not going crazy. I would absolutely love to be pregnant again, but I am so worried this will happen again. I was the annoying pregnant woman who adores being pregnant even when I was vomiting my guts up, it just made it all seem more real that I was growing life inside me. But how will I feel that way again? I’m worried I’ll fall pregnant and just feel guilt for my baby who didn’t make it but I have wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember and long to hold my baby and give them the world and more.

Valentina Reign is such a beautiful name ❤
The best advice I can give is to take everything one step at a time and do whatever feels right for you.
It does get easier as you learn to live with the grief but I still have days where I feel overwhelmed with it all 11 years later. For a while afterwards I just felt stuck in some strange reality and like I couldn't move forwards. But I did and now have a 9 year old DD.
My heart goes out to you and your family ❤

The memories you have of your daughter and your pregnancy will stay with you and will hurt less in time. They will be treasured. I think of my twins daily but most of the time now they are happy memories and my twins are still a part of my life. We celebrate their birthday and have a birthday party. We donate to hospitals for cold cots in their name. Makes us feel like we are helping others.

As for my second pregnancy, which went well. I was very worried, absolutely terrified fact and worried pretty much every minute. Due to the a stillbirth, we got consultation care and had loads of scans. I felt very well supported and we also got counselling on the nhs which really helped. I told them my fears and never felt guilty about ringing the hospital if I was worried. I was a mess but it was worth it. I didn't enjoy my pregnancy the same with my daughter but I think that was understandable and I am kind to myself about it. I had loads of birth options and chose to be induced at 38 weeks. I could cope with waiting any longer. The hospital were great and all the doctors and nurses were aware that I had a stillbirth previously and were unbelievably kind with me and my husband.

I got pregnant 3 months after the birth of my twins. I know some people thought it was too soon but I just wanted to feel pregnant again and have hope. I don't regret it and my love for my twins has only grown. I day dream what they would look like, what they would watch on TV. We talk about them with our daughter and she knows she has two big brothers. It's not what we wanted but we have made a happy life.

My advice is be kind to yourself. Don't feel guilty over any strange thoughts, or anger or envy. I envied everyone with a living baby or baby bump. All these thoughts are to be expected. I'm hoping you have been offered some counselling, if you feel like it try it.

Sorry for rambling. I hope something I have said is helpful. I am thinking of you and Valentina Reign x

@BrownRogerForever
I cannot thank you enough for both your replies today. What an amazing woman you are to share your heartbreaking story to help me. I am so sorry you lost your twin boys, life is so unbelievably cruel. Can I ask if you ever found out a reason as to why it happened? We have been told that we will have a meeting in about 2 weeks to discuss any findings but to be honest I am so unbelievably petrified. I have convinced myself it was something I did wrong, but having that confirmed scares me and makes me feel sick to my core.

Thank you for telling me about your pregnancy with your daughter, it makes me so sad to know I will be exactly the same and worry non stop when I am pregnant again. It was my favourite thing in the world being pregnant and knowing I will never have that excitement and happiness again is breaking my heart.

I have had one of the worst days today, I have cried non stop, yet somehow I still have tears left to cry, it seems like it is never ending. I have been referred for counselling, however, I have been told it could be up to 6 weeks due to a backlog. I am willing to try/ speak to anyone, the truth is the thought of telling absolutely anybody about my beautiful daughter is what I long for most, I don’t want her to be forgotten and swept under the rug because people think it’s ‘too painful’ it’s more painful to think she will be forgotten.

I just don’t understand how this happened. It’s true what everyone always says, you never think it will be you. Both my sisters have children and had normal pregnancies so why has this happened to me? Why my beautiful baby girl? I’m sorry I am rambling on, not you. Again, thank you so much for your replies, speaking to you and others about their similar experiences has helped me feel less alone. 💗

@Chaosandmadness thank you so much. That is exactly how I feel. Nothing feels real? I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, I can’t explain it. I’m just numb. It feels like an awful nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Does that feeling ever end? 💗

Valentina Reign is such a glorious name. You know, that little girl was so loved inside you and I'msure that she knew it. She was cosy and warm and she bounced around effortlessly, she kicked and wriggled and listened to your voice and your heartbeat and the rushing of blood from you to her. She heard her father's voice and she heard music and she danced to it. She never had a moment's cold or pain or anxiety. She had a beautiful little life.
I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish I had the power to fix it for you.

@villainousbroodmare you are so unbelievably kind and your words are everything I ever wanted to hear, thank you so much. I pray that she felt exactly how you described and was able to feel how much I loved and adored her because words cannot begin to explain how much I love my little angel and loved feeling her grow inside me. ❤️

I am so sorry for your loss. When I lost mine, I felt the same. That emptiness, longing and despair. I really hated the moment of waking up, those few seconds of realisation that he is gone.

It will get easier I promise. Please don't blame yourself or think it is anything to do with you. Life is so cruel sometimes. I really wish it hadn't happened to you, but you are stronger than you think you are.

Lots of love and hugs

I’m so sorry for your loss

I lost my son at a similar age, and echoing others, it will get easier

Last week was the 7th anniversary of losing him and it’s the 2nd year that it’s been a relatively normal day

One thing that I found a great comfort was to know that it’s been proven that Fetal DNA stays in the mothers bloodstream for the rest of her life
So there is a part of your daughter with you forever

I used the stroke the veins on the inside of my wrist and talk to my son, knowing he was whizzing around in my blood

It probably sounds absolutely insane but it helped

Re counselling, have you tried SANDS to see if they are able to offer anything?

I am so sorry @Nadmo. What a cruel thing to happen.

Did you know, that when you carry a baby, their DNA and yours mix. The levels during pregnancy are up to six percent, which does reduce after (any) birth. But some always remains. It doesn't go away. A little part of your precious girl will always be within you, always.

[quote Nadmo]@Chaosandmadness thank you so much. That is exactly how I feel. Nothing feels real? I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, I can’t explain it. I’m just numb. It feels like an awful nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Does that feeling ever end? 💗[/quote]
That feeling does end and you will go through a huge range of other feelings too. But you do come through the other side. You might be a new version of who you once were but you come through it. It's a rocky road and you will have lots of ups and downs along the way. Take all the help and support offered to you and don't be afraid to ask for help even if it's years down the line. Valentina will always be in your heart ❤️