For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I am so very sorry @Thisisus4 . Your dad is loved. X

@Thisisus4 Sending huge hugs to you, I lost mine 10 days ago too and just asking myself if he knew I loved him - I know he did really. I hope you have good family support around you for the days ahead.

@Thisisus4 I am sotry

I need a bit of a vent. I’m not a horrible person -honest! - but I feel like one for writing this. I just can’t keep it in right now though.

My father died 10 years ago today, when I was 22. He was my only real family. I feel like he died before I had time to really get to know him. I’m so angry he’s gone. Why do some people‘s get to keep their dads for so long and others don’t?

I have to listen to other people my age and beyond talking about their parents, their lovely dads, how they don’t know where they’d be without Mum or Dad. I mentioned it was the 10 year anniversary to a friend. She asked me if it felt like a long time. I told her yes and now, how I still get the urge to call him only to remember he’s gone. She told me she felt similar about her Grandad. But it’s not the same is it. I feel so alone with it and sometimes the anger consumes me.

I don’t think I’ve ever really processed the grief although god knows I’ve tried. I’ve spent the last decade with no parental support… it’s just so hard sometimes, doing everything on my own. I long to have a parent I can ring up for a chat or advice. I would do anything to see him again, but I can’t. I accept it because I have to, and I don’t talk about it. But privately I’m raging and so sad.

I totally get what you’re saying. It must be so awful to lose a parent so young. It’s something that’s sobered me a little when I’ve felt sad losing my 80 yr old father while others have 90 year old parents - I had him a lot longer than some people had theirs.

This is a typical Mumsnet cliche, but it might be an idea to look into counselling?

I’m sorry for the loss of your father. I feel the same when I hear of people losing a parent when they’re a child, or never having had a chance to know them at all it’s awful whenever it happens… parents should live forever.

I’ve had counselling on and off over the years. I had CAT with a psychologist most recently and that’s probably helped more than anything. Unlike other times where I tended to avoid the subject, I spent most of it talking about my dad and cried for him quite a bit. So I’m making some progress.

@CapableOf im so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Of course you're not a horrible person, you're human and your feelings are completely valid and natural. Our world is built around parents being around for their children. I can't imagine how you've managed, apart from that you've had to.

A friend has been a bit off with me now my dad has died and I'm not coping as she lost her mum when she was 19. She's done all her adult life without her, education, career, children, husband and house. I'm so fortunate that I had my dad for 50 years.

@CapableOf I'm sorry you're struggling just now. I think it's different losing a parent when you're young. You're not just grieving the person you've lost but the future where you thought they'd be there. That's why relationship breakdowns are a form of grieving. It's the imagined future that you're losing too.

I'm struggling today. I have a chronic illness, a child with autism, no partner and the neighbours making loads of god awful noise having a street party which is getting on my menopausal last nerve. I tried to go out for a picnic, with some fresh air and quiet but DS had a meltdown and I've had to come home... To land of hope and glory and good save the fecking king blaring out on a loop.

I've shut myself in my bedroom with a glass of wine. I feel full of anger. Feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life at the moment. It all sucks.

@CapableOf I am so very sorry you lost your Dad when you were younger I think it must add another layer of grief onto the loss. Mine died 2 weeks ago and was 69, it's my 46th birthday today and I know I was very lucky to have had him so long. Much love to you x

@CapableOf my second baby was stillborn, and I didn't process that grief at all at the time. But boy did it come back to bite me on the arse about 5 years later. I ended up with chronic tonsillitis, and spent a week in bed at rock bottom crying non stop. I think I really scared DH and he ended up insisting a GP came out to see me, who tried to get me onto anti depressants but I just think that I needed to acknowledge it.

Having lost my Dad recently, I was very aware that I had to process it this time and initially went to bereavement counselling via the hospice that he'd been in. I've also read quite a few books and joined some online support communities and am doing my best to just feel it this time. My Dad was my active parent and whilst my Mum is still alive, it's just not the same. The hole is gaping and threatens to swallow me whole at times, but I know I'll get through it. I don't think anyone really gets the loss of a parent unless they've been through it

@CapableOf I lost my wonderful dad very suddenly when I was 29. I was in shock for a long time and didn't really grieve for him, just tried to shut him out and keep going. I actually drank too much and acted fairly appalingly when I look back. Two years after his death, I suddenly didn't get out of bed for 3 days in a row. Took myself off to a counsellor on the fourth day (made the appointment anyway) and started a long process of grieving for him. Counselling isn't for everyone but I would recommend you give it a go. I adored my dad, I have missed him every single day, but I did find peace and I smile at his memory more than cry these days (16 years on).

Thank you so much for all your replies. I hope it didn’t seem like I was minimising the pain of losing a parent later in life, I know it must be horrendous whatever age you are.

It’s like the grief comes out in trickles… I find myself in tears for a few moments and then as if a switch were flipped, it’s gone.

When I reconnected with my mum recently after 18 years, she gave me a huge envelope of photos. Our relationship is very difficult but I was so grateful to have them, to have the opportunity to reflect on his life. There was one photo in particular, taken when he was around my age (32), that I just love. He was in a party hat in a bar, long-ish wavy hair and a big smile. He looked truly happy, it was an expression I hadn’t really seen in him before. He struggled with depression throughout his life after being abandoned by his father. He had a terrible temper and lashed out at my brother and me many times, but as the years have gone on I’ve forgiven him for all of it because I know that he was damaged and flawed - a victim of his own father’s abuse and of inter-generational trauma - but that he loved me and fought for me when I was experiencing my own depression, and I felt loved.

Now I’m crying again but it’s good to get this stuff out. No need to reply to me as I don’t want to hog the thread, just really grateful I’ve been able to vent among people who understand

to everyone walking through this grief.

I’ve not posted on here in awhile but it seems a safe place to vent whilst I’m having a wobble.

I’m coming to the end of my two year training course that I started two weeks before my Mum passed away suddenly. It means I have to start applying for jobs… I’ve never applied for a job before without my mum reading over my application and making it amazing. Find it so hard nearly two years on that there are still firsts without her.

I’m only 35, I shouldn’t have no parents at this age. It’s not fair.

@Banana34 that’s so tough, it really isn’t fair. I would always ask for my dad’s advice and share my achievements with him, it’s awful not being able to do that now. I couldn’t tell him when I bought my first flat, and he won’t be able to come to my graduation next year. I still find myself instinctively going to call him when something happens

Do you ever talk/write to your mum? It’s something I’ve been thinking about recently, writing him a letter periodically and keeping him up to date on my life.

Well done for getting to the end of your training course. I can’t imagine it’s been an easy journey so I hope you’re really proud of yourself ❤️

@Banana34 it still grabs me at times that I'll go to ring Dad to tell him something, then I remember he's not here to tell. I'm not sure it's something I'll ever get used to but well done for getting through your course and coming out the other side of it. I feel like I'm as much help as a wet paper bag some days at work and the thought of having to really focus on something fills me with horror. I'm sure that your Mum would be really proud of you

.

I'm in the middle, calendar wise, of the 1st anniversary of the death of my Mother (my last parent) & my Partner. Both died of cancer, 1 within 3 weeks of diagnosis, 1 within 4 (both stage 4) & within 8 weeks of other. My Mother was a difficult person & it's been more complex than I expected to grieve her (my half brother arranged an unattended cremation so there was no formal goodbye. My Partner - I think I still can't quite believe he is gone. He left his remains to medical science. The Service is later this month.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a busy road, waiting to be hit again.

@medianewbie wow I've read some sad life stories on this thread but this is brutal
For you I'm so very sorry. I don't even know what to say but couldn't ignore you x

@medianewbie I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. I hope you have some good friends around you. Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was dead within 3 weeks (end of March). It's brutal. No time to catch up with your feelings and for you to have this twice over is unthinkable.

Did your partner discuss his wishes with you?

Sending

Sorry to everyone who is here, old and new. This grief business is unending.

@medianewbie I hope you are getting some help and support? Have you considered bereavement counselling? I'm so sorry to hear of you awful losses. Just take it one moment at a time. Sometimes it really is about putting one foot in front of the other.

Something did lead me here tonight. Something totally innocuous and something that proves I'll absolutely never, ever get over the loss of my mum.

A simple reminder (it was just a clip on the TV, an old programme we used to watch when I was a child and haven't thought of in 30 years!) can bring it all back. Like the changing of the wind suddenly I'm consumed with grief and sadness and loss and longing.

All I can see is what mum has "missed"....things that have happened in her absence. She never got to meet my cats. I know that sounds ridiculous but the week before she died suddenly, I'd had to get our 12yo cat put to sleep and mum knew I was heartbroken and she never did get to see the boys who joined us in late 2020 / last year. She never knew I'd found something to help with the sadness of losing our girl.

She never got to see my youngest (disabled) child start nursery, or mainstream primary school. Mum never got to see how well DD is doing despite her shock diagnosis at birth. I am sad my mum has missed so much but I'm also sad she isn't here to see all the positives too. I hope she didn't die worrying about any of us. We all miss her beyond words but we are all okay (4 adult DC, all with DC of our own and my dad and my mum's beloved cat - I wish she knew we are muddling through and that my dad spoils the cat rotten 😊)

Grief is like a shadow, always beside you even when you can't see it. You are never, ever far away from your grief.

@mrssunshinexxx - thank you x
@Crunchymum - yes, it is like a shadow. I am wary of becoming like my Mum. My Father died in an RTA when I was an infant & she got totally stuck in hwe grief. She had an 'altar' in the sitting room etc - it became a bit unhealthy as she rather forgot about the living. But, you can't fight Grief. It comes in waves & you have to ride them so they pass. If you fight it, it will pull you under. I just don't have many people I can speak to about it in RL as both relationships & both deaths were complicated & 'non standard' so it's hard to talk about it at all.
@Sohereitissuddenly
Yes. His Father did & I knew that my Partner would likely follow that example.
But it is hard. when I was a student (early 1990's!) I was in Hall with a lot of medics. When they were issued with 'their bodies' ... I know the days of taking them out on the Tube / in a taxi etc are long gone but I've never forgotten the way they talked about them (not respectfully at all). So, I hope whoever is touching him is kind. He wouldn't care (& would think it silly & sentimental) but I DO. Still it is his wish to be a 'silent teacher' (he tutored to the end) so it's right.

@medianewbie gosh, that's a hell of a blow to lose two loved ones like that. You must be reeeling. I found getting Dad through the last 6 months of his life was exhausting and relentless. I'm still bone tired nearly 3.5 months on from it, but the understanding from people has already swiftly moved on. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the duvet for a few weeks.... but life goes on.

It's just finding a way to live it too now, I guess.

@medianewbie I am so sorry. I lost my dad 3 weeks after diagnosis and it is completely brutal. I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel losing your partner as well.

@Crunchymum How are you doing? Sorry that I haven’t been on for a while, I do still pop on here. It’s only 18 months for me since I lost my Dad, or just over 18 months and it’s still the hardest thing in the world for me, getting used to life without my Dad in it. I think ‘adjusting’ is the right word to use, you have to adjust to life without them.
I always find your posts uplifting and helpful. I know exactly what you mean when something just hits you and the pain and longing floods back like it felt in the first few weeks without them. I muddle through each day by sort of pretending to myself that my Dad is coming back, it might sound crazy but it’s how I feel. I can’t accept that he’s not here and if it’s my way of coping, then so be it.
Your Mum will be able to see exactly how well Your Dad is looking after their cat. And I know exactly how you feel. We have 3 cats and one of them is a kitten who is ten months old now, my Dad would have loved him and it saddens me that he’s not met him, but he loved my other two cats. They are still with us. I do believe that.
And your quote, that grief is like a shadow, that is so accurate. I couldn’t have said it better. It’s always there. x