Today I am older than my mum was when she died

[TwigTheWonderKid]

My mum died when I was 20, 7 weeks after her 52nd birthday. When she first died, and in the years afterwards, there have been so many "firsts" and big events without her, graduating, my first job, getting married, having my children and when I turned 40 knowing I'd been without her for longer than I'd had her in my life but I feel like this day has loomed over me forover 30 years and now it's here I don't quite know how to feel.

It's an unsettling milestone. I lost my mum as a young teen and remember how unsettling it felt when I reached the exact age, to the day, that she died. My dd was roughly the age that I was too and it was sad looking at her and realising how young and vulnerable I was, even though I put on a 'brave face' at the time.

I try to live life as well as I can because she didn't have the luxury of making it this far. I don't feel like I have the right to complain about grey hair and wrinkles because I'm lucky to still be here.

Lots of love to you, op and to all the motherless daughters here

I'm so sorry for your loss and for everyone's loss on this thread, so many young mothers leaving behind young daughters. My mum died 3 weeks ago, she was 66 and I think that's too young, I'm 37. I have no sisters and I feel so lost without her. Like part of me is missing.
OP I'm so sad for you that you don't have your dad anymore either and have no one to chat to about them. Sending you lots of love x

I was 8 when my Mum died. She was 28 and had only just turned 28. She's been gone for 36 years. She's been gone for longer than she lived.

I know what you mean. You never run out of firsts. All painful. All poignant

Both my DC are older then my DSis and I. (DSis was just 6).

We have few memories of our Mum my DSis and I and no one ever spoke about her really.

I'll look up that book a PP mentioned. Thank you.

Take care OP.

I know how strange this is. My dad died when he was 36 and I was 6, when I turned 36 I also had a 6 year old. I also expect to pass my mum’s age of death as she also died young. Frozen in time and forever in our hearts

I had this with a deceased sibling - I was quietly, absolutely convinced that DS1 would die when he got to the age my sibling was when they died (3). It took me quite badly at DS1's 3rd birthday; I had a migraine and was vomiting in my therapist's sink. I thought it was unrelated but she assured me it wasn't...

My mother has also died. I keep resenting friends who are now in the same decade of life that she was (fifties). Its not fair I know, but I still do.

Hugs to everyone who understands xx

I get it. My mum was 49 and I am fast approaching that age. Ever since she died (I was 16) I have vowed to never be 49. I can’t explain why. So I am going to go straight from 48 to 50 and be 50 twice. I can’t articulate why it matters.
I remember reaching the point of having lived more of my life without mum than with her. I hated it. I have friends I have known longer than I knew my mum.
Not many people understand these feelings and thoughts.

So painful. And I don't think people who don't go through it get it. They just can't. A friend of mine lost her grandparent when I lost my dad and sibling in same week. Xxxxxxx

Thank you all for posting - I thought I was the only person who did this, and horrid though it is it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one. My mum died at 53, when I was 23. My dad died soon after and my brother died last year. I’ll be as old as my mum was in three years.

I take her anniversary off every year. I look at photos, read letters she sent me at uni, and think about her a lot. OP - she’ll be watching over you from somewhere and I bet she’ll be so proud of you. Sending a big hug from me.

I will outlive my mum on 23 August 2023.

When I first worked that date out, it was sufficiently far in the future that it didn't seem real. And now it's next year!

She didn't see me get my GCSE results, fuck up my A Levels, get my life together (eventually), meet my DH, get my professional qualifications, have my DD.

She only met two of her grandchildren - she now has 9, plus a great-grandchild. She was only 46. (Also, how the fuck am I 46 next year?)

So sad reading this thread but also comforting to know it’s a thing - my siblings and I thought we were weird!
Our Dad died before I was born and siblings were 9 & 11. He was 33. It’s a strange situation to be in and I suppose I should look at some counselling, but it really hit me when I turned 33 and took me by surprise. Because my siblings are so much older, I hadn’t realised they were going through it when they turned 33 as well.
But as a PP said, forever frozen in our memories. Well, just photos for me.

and un-MN hugs for those who need them x

This will be me next year although my dad, he was 44 when he died and I was 16. It makes me feel quite anxious for some reason

Oh OP.

I remember how my dad felt when he turned 56. His mother died at 56. He really struggled with a sense of bereavement and loss all over again. I am thinking of you and send you hugs.

It's a weird feeling, op. My Mum died when she was 46. I dreaded turning 40 because I was afraid I would be like her and not make it out the other side of that decade. When I passed the age she was and turned 47 it was such a strange feeling. However, n the plus side I was overjoyed when I turned 50, was amazed that I made it that far and I have celebrated my age ever since.

My dad struggled at 44 as that was when his dad died. My mum struggled at 52 as her mum died at age 52. It is bitter sweet- you want to live past those ages but you also know they missed out on so much. My dad is now 83 and mum 78.

It's weird, the posters who suggest that reaching and surpassing this age is something to celebrate are of course right but it's occurred to me that the thought of that just makes me feel guilty that I am getting this opportunity that she never had.

We are a family of 15.
My mam died at 54 my dad at 71. We have all surpassed them. I lost a sister at 74
a brother at 74 and a sister recently at 74. Some are now in their 80s. It does not always follow.

@TwigTheWonderKid yes I felt that. I remember sitting in my boss’s office when I turned 40, having a good old cry about it all. I couldn’t quite articulate it, but she did it for me. She just said “you feel guilty don’t you, because you’ve lasted so much longer than him.” Her brother died very suddenly in his late 30s so she gets it.

I get it OP. My mum died when I was 12, I have lived 36 years without her. Still hurts. There’s a FB groups called Adults Bereaved as Children. Definitely worth popping onto.

Another reccomendation for Motherless Daughters. The book Motherless Mothers is also very good. They really helped me.

Sending hugs OP. I'm not at the age my mother died yet but I hope I pass it and I will definitely celebrate every day I get because I think one of the hardest things for me was knowing my mum so wanted to live. I hate to think of all the things she missed out on, like meeting her granddaughter.

I still miss my mum everyday and I dont think that will ever fade. Until you've lost your mother I dont think you 'get it', it's a particularly complicated loss. I get the difficulty in speaking to people in real life. In the years after my mum died I did suddenly feel much older then my peers.