Today I am older than my mum was when she died

[TwigTheWonderKid]

My mum died when I was 20, 7 weeks after her 52nd birthday. When she first died, and in the years afterwards, there have been so many "firsts" and big events without her, graduating, my first job, getting married, having my children and when I turned 40 knowing I'd been without her for longer than I'd had her in my life but I feel like this day has loomed over me forover 30 years and now it's here I don't quite know how to feel.

Hello there. This is about to happen to me. This age has loomed large throughout my life, well for 27 years now. All those firsts missed. God I miss my mum. Hardly any photos of her either , we couldn't afford a camera when I was young.
I hear you. It's just a sad sad feeling isn't it. X

I'm sorry for your loss - this must be a very difficult milestone for you to pass. Do you have any family who can help you get through the day or perhaps share memories of your mum together?

My dad was 6 when his father died aged 50. He is now 72 and always assumed he wouldn't make it past 50.

Hello. I get it.

My mum was 26 so I am now much older than she ever was... my next milestone will probably be seeing my children grow older than my mum did.

It is a very very wierd experience and hard to put into words. Hopefully you had a good relationship and have some good memories to reflect on. Sending much love.

My mum died when I was 20 & she was 52, I’m 62 & it saddens me how young she was

Thanks @Sm701, I have lot sof friends in RL but I don't think any of them can understand what the feels like, even I am having trouble working out how I feel. I think it's about her getting further away and also just realising how young she was. When I was 20, 52 seemed so much older than it does now I'm there.

I think we never really get over losing our mums. Mine died in 1995, aged 72. I was 36. I still miss her. I miss my dad, but nowhere near as much.

My brother has just passed this milestone with our dad. He says he feels almost relieved at making it, but we were also reminiscing about just how young he was and how much he missed out on (he was 47). When we were teens we knew he was young but everyone in their 40s seemed ancient.
It’s a strange old feeling. Take care of yourself today OP

If you haven't already read it, the book Motherless Daughters is very good by the way.

Yes @TwigTheWonderKid it's exactly what I thought at the time. That 50 was already old and she'd had a good long life!! So weird thinking I thought that. It's no age at all she's missed all her grandkids scd they will never know his amazing she was and how much she would have loved them.
I will look out for that book @MoiraNotRuby , sounds helpful

I’m not there yet but I totally understand where you’re coming from. My Dad died when I was 17 and I remember how uncomfortable it made me when I reached the moment of having lived more of my life without him than with. My dh is about to turn the age he was when he died - it irrationally scares me and I’m worrying about my own mortality in a way I haven’t before. Sending hugs.

@ClariceQuiff

I'm sorry for your loss - this must be a very difficult milestone for you to pass. Do you have any family who can help you get through the day or perhaps share memories of your mum together?

No, my dad died 2 years after my mum and I am an only child so no one to reiminsce with, though lots of lovely memories and unlike poor @Sm701, I am lucky to have lots of photos too.

I am sorry for all of you who understand what this is like but so grateful to you for being here with me now.

I watched my dear niece go through this at 27 (she was three when her mum, my ddsis died).
Another difficult time was when her own dd (my ddsis's granddaughter) turned 4, and dniece experienced something her mother never had - parenting a primary aged daughter.
I see my sister in them so very very often, and I know her heart would burst with pride at both of them.

Totally understand this feeling, my mum was 37 and I was 17. I knew she was young when it happened but turning 37 myself (I’m 40 now) gave me a whole new appreciation for just how young it really was.

My eldest is now the age I was when my mum passed and I honestly can’t imagine leaving her at all. My mum knew she was dying (terminal cancer) I can only imagine how young and how not ready to go she must have felt. Having literally just been put on the 2 week cancer pathway myself I’m feeling it even more so.

Sending hugs.

You have my sympathies OP. Being an only child with no other family to talk about loved ones - it’s tough. Lots of lovely memories help, but also means the loss we feel is harder. Have a hug from me x

I get it OP. My DM was 44 when she died (I was 16). I’ve had health anxiety all my life but this year it’s been awful. Because I turn 44. Then I read that there is a book (motherless daughters or mothers, I forget which,) that says that you can expect the year when you are the age that your parents died to be crap, and also the year that your child turns the age you were when you were bereaved. Now it all makes sense. Truthfully I have never expected to live this long. Sending you best wishes.

Twig, would you like to tell us some memories about your mum? I know its not the same exactly but the offer is there xx

@MoiraNotRuby

Twig, would you like to tell us some memories about your mum? I know its not the same exactly but the offer is there xx

That is so sweet of you but what I'm really missing is being about to talk about her with someone who really knew her.

I understand how you feel. My mum died when I was 11, and she was 47. It didn't seem two minutes until she had been gone longer than we had been together. I am now 66, so I have lived 19 years more than she did. I miss her every day.
Sending hugs.

Oh, OP, I have this to come. I'm already dreading it.

In a few years time I'll be the age she was when she was diagnosed with the illness that killed her a few years later. She's missed so much - she never met DH, or our DC. The DC missed out on someone who would have been a wonderful grandmother.

@loislovesstewie

I understand how you feel. My mum died when I was 11, and she was 47. It didn't seem two minutes until she had been gone longer than we had been together. I am now 66, so I have lived 19 years more than she did. I miss her every day. Sending hugs.

Oh 20 was bad enough but 11 is so young Lois, I'm so sorry.

Hugs OP, it never gets easier I know.

My mum died when I was 16 and she was 50. I am the same age as her now.

I think when you lose a parent as a teen / young person there is an enormous sense of loss that you never got to know them through adult eyes and that they missed all your milestones.

Mine did not even get to see my GCSE results :( it seems a life time ago.

I understand your sadness and pain.

My parents were both diagnosed with cancer in their late 50's & both passed away in their mid 60's.

My brother is 57 this year & really feeling as though the same is inevitable for him, although of course it isn't at all.

Life can seem so unfair. A 51 year old colleague (older than me) is going to visit her grandma on Sunday. I haven't had any grandparents at all since I was 4.

Sending you . It's normal & OK to feel shit about things like this.

@Spudina I totally hear you on the health anxiety thing. I think that's where my "damage" really manifests itself. I put off having children for quite a while as I was terrified of leaving them and had 2 children so my first son wouldn't be left alone in the world like I was but actually motherhood has been a really healing thing for me and something I've been able to do well as a tribute to my mum and the brilliant way she mothered me but the health anxiety never goes away and is quite a blight on my life.