My mum died yesterday - I’m lost

[Orangesox]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I found my mum dead in her home yesterday, she was just 61 years old, I’m only 33 - we have no idea what happened to her. We had a very difficult relationship as many mothers and daughters do, she drove me insane at times and was very needy and demanding of my attention as she was lonely; I feel absolutely awash with grief of the fact that this wound me up and I could get overwhelmed with her. I did truly love her even when we fought, and I suppose I am so so worried now that she might not have realised how much I cared for her because I struggled to express my emotions at times. She was generous to a fault, often felt buying my love would make me easier to deal with due to me certainly being neurodiverse and her more than likely so. We had a completely enmeshed life; we worked together, I spoke to her almost every single day in one way or another.

I have no idea how any of this works, I can’t eat, I’ve slept about two minutes, my whole body is shaking and I feel sick to my core.

My husband, my family and friends and our work colleagues are trying to support me, but I just don’t know what to do, how to behave or act. I’m a nurse, I’m used to death, I’ve lost loved ones, but none of that seems to matter now I’ve lost my mum.

Well I do have some good news; after speaking to the Coroner they have already assigned an officer and hope to have their investigations done next week due to it being within Coronal Law that specific religious beliefs should be accounted for - we’re Roman Catholic. I found it quite discombobulating yesterday as everything seemed to be accelerating so fast from having weeks to plan to needing to get sorted NOW.

Today will be another day of practicalities; mainly insuring, taxing and bringing her car home with me as it’s owned outright and I want to reduce the risk of theft. Will be collecting more paperwork to help me commence Probate once I have the death certificate, and visiting two of her closest friends as they are both struggling, and Mum would want me to look after them.

None of this seems real though; it’s so utterly surreal and I keep flipping from moments of calm to complete inertia. I’m finding myself getting really quite internally angry with myself because everyone is reacting badly to the fact that I don’t want to go to view her body; the trauma of finding her was bad enough, but I think going to see her will completely and utterly taint every good memory I have of her. I’m angry that we didn’t get more time, that we didn’t take more pictures together as she was camera shy. I’m angry that she’s left me actually and that makes me feel sick. And most of all, I’m angry with myself for everything, and the fact that I don’t think I will be able to get up to the lectern and say a single word at her funeral. I think I’m finding all of this particularly hard because she and I both dedicated our life’s work to supporting people in crisis, in bereavement etc, and I literally can’t practice a single scrap of what I preach. What a total and utter waste.

Can you be your own counsellor?

I wonder what you would do if you could. Would you want to crawl into bed and pull the cover over your head?

I agree with you entirely about going to see the body - I've done it twice and it was a totally negative experience, and i didn't find the person like you did. If anyone is surprised that you're not going, let them be.

I don't plan to say anything at any funeral, and didn't at my husband's. I found something that said what I wanted and got someone else to read it though.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

I don't understand why people would think you should go to see her now, when you were with her in her house. People really should keep their opinions to themselves.

Thank you for all your kind words and support.

I finally found her Will yesterday; I’ve been almost paralysed with fear that I would arrange the funeral and then find her will and discover that I’d done things she absolutely didn’t want. She actually left the section about funeral arrangements and wishes completely blank, probably because she would want me to do what I thought was right for her as she trusted me implicitly my whole life, she was my best friend in the whole work and I know I was hers.

Had a bit of a disaster finding the car paperwork but it all evened out in the end, so the car is insured, taxed & back with me and I can spend today pulling out every piece of paper I have with me and sorting it all to get ready for probate just incase my husband needs to do it all because I have a breakdown.

I’m actually feeling at peace today to a certain extent;I spoke a lot with a very close friend of mine who essentially lived with us during my later school years. She probably knew my mum better than most other people, so it was helpful to discuss ideas I had for the funeral arrangements and just have a general chat about my mum and who she truly was as a person rather than some of the faux-grief stricken nonsense that has come of out some peoples mouths. Nobody is perfect, and it doesn’t help me to hear about my mum in a way that is not true to the uncompromising, vivacious woman that she was.

Orange that's very reassuring that you have found some solid ground. I hope today is OK.

Orangesox you sound like such a lovely person. So sorry you are having to go through this-it sounds from your posts as if there are lots of people who care about you very much and will be there to prop you up on difficult days x

So sorry, it’s the most difficult journey to navigate. Just take each hour as it comes, and release emotion when you need too. Grief is different for everyone. Don’t be hard on yourself, some days will be tougher than others. Good luck