My mum died yesterday - I’m lost

[Orangesox]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I found my mum dead in her home yesterday, she was just 61 years old, I’m only 33 - we have no idea what happened to her. We had a very difficult relationship as many mothers and daughters do, she drove me insane at times and was very needy and demanding of my attention as she was lonely; I feel absolutely awash with grief of the fact that this wound me up and I could get overwhelmed with her. I did truly love her even when we fought, and I suppose I am so so worried now that she might not have realised how much I cared for her because I struggled to express my emotions at times. She was generous to a fault, often felt buying my love would make me easier to deal with due to me certainly being neurodiverse and her more than likely so. We had a completely enmeshed life; we worked together, I spoke to her almost every single day in one way or another.

I have no idea how any of this works, I can’t eat, I’ve slept about two minutes, my whole body is shaking and I feel sick to my core.

My husband, my family and friends and our work colleagues are trying to support me, but I just don’t know what to do, how to behave or act. I’m a nurse, I’m used to death, I’ve lost loved ones, but none of that seems to matter now I’ve lost my mum.

I am so sorry. You must be devastated. I am sure your Mum knows about your love for her. Even if you are not so religious could you pray?

Oh honey, you're in shock so please be kind to yourself. You mum knew you loved her.

What a terrible devastating shock for you. Are you at home? Please ring your GP surgery in the morning and make an appointment. You sound so close to your Mum and that's such a gift that you gave her.

I'm sorry for your loss. 61 is so young.

You don't need to think about how to behave. Just keep breathing. Let others around you deal with everything else.

@PermanentTemporary

What a terrible devastating shock for you. Are you at home? Please ring your GP surgery in the morning and make an appointment. You sound so close to your Mum and that's such a gift that you gave her.

I’m home now, I got to her house about 5.10 pm yesterday after being notified that she hadn’t shown for an agency shift and found her in bed quite obviously gone. I wasn’t putting her through the indignity of attempting CPR in those circumstances when there was nothing that could be done - we’ve always been very clear on that to each other that we’ve both seen bad deaths over our nursing careers, that we wanted to go peacefully in our own bed without heroics and with dignity. It took hours for paramedics to come out to pronounce as the GP was closed, then the Police to make their report to coroner, and then the Funeral Directors to collect her to be cared for. I drove home about 25 miles away at about half past midnight in a complete and utter state of shock and on autopilot. I sent my husband home at about 9.15 pm with our puppy who I had to take with me as she’s never been left alone in her life, and stayed with her neighbours who are like family to me while everything was going on.

I’m so sorry OP. I’m heartbroken for you. Your mum will of known how much you love her.

Oh orangesox it's awful. I'm so sorry.

What an awful, awful shock, on top of a horrible bereavement. I remember feeling similar when my mum died, and I thought that every single minute of the rest of my life was going to hurt, but I promise you it does get easier. I'm quite medication happy, but if it gets too intense then you can of course speak to your GP xx

I'm so sorry. Please be kind and look after yourself x

She definitely knew how much you loved her. Actions speak louder than words, and you made the effort to see/speak to her every day, it sounds like you were a huge part of her life. That means far more than a quick call once a fortnight with a token "love you" tacked on the end.

@ViceLikeBlip

She definitely knew how much you loved her. Actions speak louder than words, and you made the effort to see/speak to her every day, it sounds like you were a huge part of her life. That means far more than a quick call once a fortnight with a token "love you" tacked on the end.

God I hope so; I feel like I can’t breathe for the grief right now.

So sorry @Orangesox...💐

You must be in terrible shock. I am so sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss .
You had a good close relationship with your mother that she will have cherished .
Please be kind to yourself and rest .
Let others do as much for you as possible .
Take care x

Oh God what an awful and massive shock for you! You poor poor thing. As for your feelings of guilt, most of us get fed up with our close family at times and end up fretting over things we did say or we didn’t say when they pass, so it is entirely natural to feel some guilt but please don’t let it eat away at you. Your saw your mum regularly, you were the one who found her, she knew you loved her and she loved you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Thank you everyone; I really do appreciate your kind words

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand. I found my mum, August 2020 same as you, a friend called me to say she hadn't shown up to meet her so I went to check on her as she wasn't answering her phone and neighbours couldn't get a response knocking. She had gone in her sleep, completely unexpected. She was 69. I remember the paramedics, the police, the funeral directors and just the utter feeling of disbelief and shock.

Although I know I very much need help to come to terms with the loss and the shock of finding her there is a part of me that will always be grateful it was me who found her and could see that she had gone peacefully. I hope you also feel some comfort from this in time.

Be kind to yourself, nothing can prepare us for sudden deaths especially when it is someone we are so close to. I can't say it has gotten easier as such (I have literally cried at some point every single day since my mum died nearly 18 months ago) but you slowly slowly adjust to it being different. It sucks and guilt can be enormous but you sound like you had a similar relationship I did with my mum, in contact all the time, she knew she was loved, it's just the grief making you think you should have or could have done more.

Hot sweet tea helped me through the early days, I couldn't eat properly for weeks. There had to be a post mortem for mum which does hold things up but it did mean we found out why she died which helps a bit. But sorry if you have to go through this wait too. Thinking of you.

Oh goodness, what a shock! I lost my mum suddenly last year. We had a very good relationship and I was talking to her on the phone the morning she died. 90 minutes later, she was gone from a sudden heart attack. 'Lost' is a good way to describe it. I felt like my moorings had come away, as though I was adrift. Nothing made sense and like you, I didn't know what to do with myself either, so I just went with whatever I felt like. In those earliest days, I was spaced out, shocked, unable to eat but sometimes in the middle of sobbing, I'd stop and have a giggle and remember something silly we did. The best thing you can do (if you can) is try to park those feelings of regret and just concentrate now on you. I am
sure your mum will have known she was loved - after all, you were present in her life! But if those feelings do persist, you can unpack them later with a counsellor who will help you work through them in a healthy way, not a beat-yourself-up way.

I am 11 months into my journey of sudden loss and I can tell you that the crazy feelings do start to even out eventually but the journey is different for everyone. Right now, be very kind to yourself, cry, shout, laugh, do whatever you need to do.

You have had a big shock and will experience many emotions.

My Mums death was expected but was still hard. I felt numb for a while and then overwhelmed with sorting out arrangements etc. I would often cry at something silly on TV but not for me Mum I would feel guilty if I laughed. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. Except help from anyone if they offer.

Just concentrate at moment on getting through each day.

I'm sorry about your mum🌷

Mother & Daughter relationships are not always easy!

You worked together, you were in contact everyday, she would have known you loved her through your actions. My brother says 'love you' at the end of every phone call, but it's just habit - he might as well just be saying 'bye'. 💁🏻‍♀️

Your Mum died 'a good death' in her own bed, no trauma - try to find comfort in that. My Dad died suddenly, out doing something he lived, he was happy & wouldn't have known much, if anything, about it, it takes a while before you can appreciate it being 'a good death' but it will help, in time.

I still miss my Dad every single day, but it does stop being so raw & all encompassing, you don't forget (& I certainly still get upset by it), but you do learn to live alongside it for the most part.

Your mum knew you loved her. Try to deal with this how she'd have wanted you to. I know my Dad would be hurting that his death detailed my life so much. It's my one regret.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, I too lost my Mum a few days before Christmas and understand your total despair. Your post has made me realise I have actually made progress in the last few weeks because I am eating and even sleeping sometimes, just do whatever you need to get through- if that means crying and not eating for days then so be it, eventually you will manage to keep something down and get a few minutes rest. If you feel you need to see a doctor just go for it, they can give you something to help you sleep which makes the days a little more manageable. Your Mum will have known how much you care and I hope you can find comfort eventually x

I’m so sorry. What a terrible shock and she was so young. My Nan died suddenly in her early 60s (heart) and we were all so blindsided. I then lost my mum (older than yours but not old) last year from Covid and it was a terrible death. I’ve been haunted by the memory of not being allowed to be with her in hospital and how she must have suffered. The sudden death of my Nan, although shocking, was a much kinder end.
I too have been wracked with guilt and like yours, my my could be hard work and drive me crazy. But I loved her and we were close. Your mum knew you loved her.
Grief is different for everyone, for me it’s been a long path and terrible. I have days where I experience happiness and most days are a mixed bag, some terrible. At the beginning I had a lot to do and it took months to really hit me. I’ve buried myself in work, family, pets, walking (I walk miles, it helps). Occasionally I need zopliclone to sleep. Time eventually does make it bearable. Your puppy will be a great comfort.

@chocorangeaddict77

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand. I found my mum, August 2020 same as you, a friend called me to say she hadn't shown up to meet her so I went to check on her as she wasn't answering her phone and neighbours couldn't get a response knocking. She had gone in her sleep, completely unexpected. She was 69. I remember the paramedics, the police, the funeral directors and just the utter feeling of disbelief and shock.

Although I know I very much need help to come to terms with the loss and the shock of finding her there is a part of me that will always be grateful it was me who found her and could see that she had gone peacefully. I hope you also feel some comfort from this in time.

Be kind to yourself, nothing can prepare us for sudden deaths especially when it is someone we are so close to. I can't say it has gotten easier as such (I have literally cried at some point every single day since my mum died nearly 18 months ago) but you slowly slowly adjust to it being different. It sucks and guilt can be enormous but you sound like you had a similar relationship I did with my mum, in contact all the time, she knew she was loved, it's just the grief making you think you should have or could have done more.

Hot sweet tea helped me through the early days, I couldn't eat properly for weeks. There had to be a post mortem for mum which does hold things up but it did mean we found out why she died which helps a bit. But sorry if you have to go through this wait too. Thinking of you.

Sadly this is exactly what we’re going through with her unexplained death. There’s a 3-4 week waiting time to be assigned to a Coroners Officer in our county at present; and so since my mum died apparently intestate as I can’t find the will I know she wrote in 2020 when we both ended up having spinal surgery (you literally couldn’t make it up!), I’m just sat in limbo not able to do anything other than try to unpack all my emotional baggage and get her house in order where I’ve been all the live long day. She was extremely house proud and fastidious despite having a disability in her latter years; the house was by no means untidy at all, but I couldn’t rest knowing things weren’t just to her liking and preference. I had to put her furniture and paintings back that had been moved by the funeral director, bring the washing back with me and try to make some sort of order of her notoriously bad filing system that wouldn’t look out of place in a recycling bin. It all seems utterly inconsequential I suppose, I’ve just had the greatest shock and distress of my life, but I know that she would be so incredibly upset if I didn’t make sure that I sorted the finances and got everything in order after her working tirelessly for over 40 years as a Specialist Nurse alongside her early military career.

How has today been for you? I hope you managed to get some sleep x

Sorry to hear you've got a coroner's wait too. We had similar wait times - mum's funeral was 7 weeks after she died. It seems like it takes forever to get assigned - I was able to email a general helpline in the meantime as I kept thinking of things that might be relevant and eventually a case officer was assigned and it all happened quite quickly from that point.

Could a copy of her Will be with a local solicitor? Hopefully it will turn up in her filing somewhere. I was lucky in that respect as mum was the most organised person I knew and had told me that everything was written down and where to find it about 6 months before she died. I of course had brushed her off and said don't be so silly you're going nowhere...

I know what you mean about needing everything as she had it. My mum was also so house proud - I remember the paramedic and the police commenting on how beautifully kept her home was and as the police took a statement from me I remember flinching as they lent on her dining table and asking them to wait for me to get a mat to put down first. Seems so silly in the grand scheme of things but all I could think was mum will be so cross if we mark her table!

Just do little bits that you can and if there's a day when nothing gets sorted then so be it. Can anyone help you with things like ringing round utility companies etc? My husband did a lot of that for me as it was hard having to keep on repeating what had happened and actually say out loud that she had died.

I spent a lot of time at her house just not even really doing anything. I still have limbo days now 18 months later. Thinking of you