Clearing a hoarder's house

[Morethanthis71]

My Mum passed away last week. Unexpected, completely unexpected. I've been trying to clear the house for my Dad who is too upset to return at the moment. Mum was an extreme hoarder. It's taken me 2 days to clear the living room and the landing. I've bagged up 'keep', 'sell', 'donate', 'check'. There is just so so much more to do.
How can I make it easier for myself?

In one word 'skip'
Do you have any other family to help?

I’m sorry for your loss. Is there any way financially you could pay for help? Or ask a friend to come and help you?
I don’t think anything will make it any easier, but just having someone else there might make it quicker.

Or a house clearance firm would do it. I don't know how much that costs, but it would be worth a phone call?

No I can't use a house clearance firm. I feel out of respect to my Mum I need to do it. I've had a friend with me. My children have helped today. I just feel so sad. That at the end of our lives, all that is left are bags of our possessions. In this case, far too many bags. MUM! You are having a laugh now!!!

I’m so sorry OP.

If your mum is like my dad there will be ‘keep’ ‘sell’ ‘donate’ ‘skip’. I would rent a skip online tonight. They may be able to deliver tomorrow.

Think very carefully about the sell pile. It takes a LOT of time, effort & motivation. Donating it is easier. Consider charity shops quite far away so your dad doesn’t see stuff that might upset him in the local shops.

Once you get a momentum going it will get easier. As you fill the skip people will come and pick stuff it so the skip actually ends up being a total bargain.

Unless it’s really really valuable I’d skip most you don’t want end up with two rooms full in your home or stuff that’s to good throw and take you months/years to sell bit by bit.

Second asking someone to help it’s going takes it out of you physically not mention emotional strain.

Thanks AgathaMystery, sorry, can't work out how to quote. Can't believe I've got to go back to work tomorrow and keep that ball rolling till the weekend. It's a real roller coaster at the moment. I have made my kids promise to never ever buy me anything again. And yes, I've been working on 'keep', 'sell', 'donate', 'chuck'. I might need to invest in a skip. 80 bags out of the door and counting.

That's a good point Akire, I think it's the emotional strain. I'm off to bed right now.

I feel bereft at having lost my Mum but also bereft that we as a family were clearly unable to give her what she emotionally needed. So so sad.

@Morethanthis71

I feel bereft at having lost my Mum but also bereft that we as a family were clearly unable to give her what she emotionally needed. So so sad.

Oh my goodness It isn't down to you that she was a hoarder

I'm sorry if this seems odd to ask but does your dad know how much you are clearing?

I'm so sorry about your mum

Being hoarder is very complicated thing certainly not your fault. Must be incredible hard to deal with sudden death never mind anything else. Do consider going off sick for while if you can’t manage yet. With covid you can self certify for up to 28 days before need doctors note

Think very carefully about the sell pile. It takes a LOT of time, effort & motivation

This ^

It's another whole job in itself; clean, research, list, response to questions, post etc.
I try and look at it as "I'm making a donation to help a charity", this helps keep me on track and not worry about wasting money. The money spent on the item is long gone.
I also use a local Facebook "eco community" group to offer items for free.

There are all sorts of reasons folk shop and/or hoard and some that can’t even be explained. The need may have started long before your arrival.

Mourn your mum but please don’t feel sad that you all didn’t give her ‘enough’.

You sound as though you are a kind and considerate daughter and love was around. My lovely, I can assure you that will be all your mum needed from you as a family. Love and the compassion you are showing now.

I’m sorry for your loss. Just try to be good to yourself too.

You didn't "make " your mum a hoarder I don't think that is how hoarding Is . I'm so sorry for your loss is your dad wanting it all cleared or are you thinking it all should be cleared At once ?

Sorry for your loss, OP.

On the question of whether or not to sell things, I totally agree that selling things individually takes too much time and trouble. However, do have a look at local auction houses - some of them take absolutely anything saleable. If you have the right sort of auction house within striking distance, they will bring a van and take away all, or a lot, of your saleable stuff. I have cleared two houses, and have had an auction house to do a big pick-up both times.

What I'd advise is to have an auction house do a pick up first, and then, if there is anything saleable left that they didn't want to take, get a charity to do a pick-up of the rest.

My late Mil was a hoarder she hung onto everything it was very difficult for dh and his siblings to face it took them/us weeks to go through and being honest a lot of it was binned .

I used freecycle & Facebook marketplace to give away most stuff, as well as charity shops. People helped themselves to stuff from the skip which was helpful as it saved space & meant stuff was being recycled. What does your dad think of you throwing stuff out?

What did she hoard ? Does your Dad have any attachment to anything?

Sorry, I can't work out how to quote. Thank you all for your comments so far.
I hadn't been allowed in the house for more than 15 years. They both said they were too ashamed. I just want to spare my Dad the job of having to do it for himself, and I told him the other day - it is not our place to judge, just to tidy. He's lost the love of his life, bless him, he doesn't need to be worried by this (huge amount of) minutiae right now.
Auction houses, great idea, I will look into this although it is mostly clothing and handbags. LOTS of both.

Losing your mum is hard enough, please don’t think put any blame on yourselves, people hoard for different reasons, I’m a bit of a hoarder myself and at the moment clearing out bits and pieces, mines not to the extreme just holding on to sentimental things, you are clearly struggling it is overwhelming and obviously grieving your dear mum only passed away last week love, is there any way you can take time off work you have an awful lot on your shoulders right now, sending you a big virtual hug

I'm not throwing out anything of value right now. Just anything that is old. Anything that Mum used I am keeping for him to look at when he is ready.

Lol, just thought - I haven't even got to the valuable stuff yet bless her.

Just a note some hoarders hid money in very unusual places inside old envelopes packets of tights in old bedlinen inside jumper sleeves. I Know as my Mil did this we found over 7000 pounds some so old when all bank notes were white, but bank exchanged them so sometimes you need to clear yourself to find these things

How would your dad feel if you left stuff outside with a note saying “free help yourself”. Or could you take stuff to your place and do it there.

This will reduce the number of trips you need to take to the charity shop.

TeacupDrama yes, I've found quite a bit of cash. Going to save it for her funeral flowers and to buy a lovely duvet cover for her old duvet to keep me warm.