Don’t know how to tell the kids - help please

[Sealhaver]

My mother was found dead at home on New Year’s Eve. I called the police and got them to break down the door when I couldn’t get in touch with her. We talk every evening and when the phone kept ringing I just knew. We had spent Christmas together and the week before doing things with the kids and having a wonderful time. And now she’s not here.
Everything about her was so closely intertwined with me and my world. There is not a street I can walk down or a story that doesn’t make me think of her. She looked after my elder daughter when I went back to work and then again when I had my son. We are all so close - and they love her so much that at this point I am more worried about them than me.

She had been threatening suicide for three years - she has really terrible chronic back pain and had serious money issues - but I thought we were coping. We talked about it openly and while I know her immobility and pain were terrible I really never thought she would do anything about it. It isn’t clear this far if she did (the police said they thought it was natural causes) but I deeply suspect she did.

We were away from home (always go away at new year) after having dropped her off at home after Christmas and I have now come back to her house. My children and husband are still away but I will meet them back at our house tomorrow evening. I told the kids she was sick and I had to go see her in hospital as I didn’t want to tell them the truth and then have to leave but now I am so terrified of telling them (they are 10 and 7) as I just want to insulate them from any part of what I am feeling right now. Does anyone have any advice? I’ve probably been stupid not telling them right away but I couldn’t just tell them and then leave.

I’m so sorry for your huge loss.

As far as telling the DC goes, I think describing severe depression as a long illness that she suddenly sadly died from is perfectly truthful and age appropriate. You don’t need to specifically mention depression or suicide. Just that she had had an illness for years and nobody expected to find her so poorly so soon, but sadly when they did, she could not be made better.

You can add detail to that in years to come (You are not far from the teen years.) For now, though, it is accurate and honest and then of course, you fo us on your grief and theirs. Sending you strength.

I'm very sorry for your news.

I think waiting until they were home was probably a good idea so don't be hard on yourself over that and giving yourself a little time to process the information again makes sense.

Once home though, I would recommend telling them as soon as possible as there is no good reason not to. I hope it goes as well as can be expected for this difficult time.

I'm not sure I would mention suicide though to your children. If cause of death is put down as natural causes I would go with that.

Thank you both so much for your messages. I appreciate it so much as I just don’t really know where to start. I am going to meet them at home tomorrow evening and tell them - and yes - in the end she did die from a long illness that’s been eating away at her for years. That’s such a good way to think about it. Thank you again.

100% agree with @Thoosa

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and of course you were right to wait to tell them until you could be there for them completely.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You need to tell the DC as soon as they're home, the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be and the more questions it will raise.
Be a matter of fact as you can, give them a cuddle and don't expect them to react a certain way - they may take a while to process the news and appear uncaring at first.
Some useful info here

Be very kind to yourself. The shock is awful and befuddling.

I too am beyond sorry to read your post. I lost my mum suddenly and with no warning and the shock is huge. I was extremely close to my mum who I shared lifelong interests with and have no one else who gets really fundamental things about me.
You will get through it but along the way just be very gentle with yourself.
As fir your dc I agree you need to tell them now. How you do it depends on what they are like and how they will take it.
I’m so sorry.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice - it is beyond helpful right now. @HeronLanyon - I am so sorry - it’s just as you say, they know parts of you that no one else does or ever can. I don’t know who I’m going to call tonight for our unusual catch up. There’s no one else I want to call.

I still talk out loud to my mum every now and then - partic about the archers and music and politics and other stuff we used to share. She’s not ‘gone’ when I remember her and think of her. Its really tough but so are we in ways I never knew.
Life goes on just as it did for older generations who went through all of this too.

I am so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. My dad died suddenly when my children were the same age as yours are now, 4 years ago, around this time of year. He was 64, not in great health but we thought we had many more years with him.

My kids were very upset, they didn’t ask any questions about cause of death, they were just focused on the fact he was gone. My eldest wanted to go to the funeral and I didn’t let her because I thought it would be too much, but actually now I regret not giving her the opportunity to be a part of that ritual. I was trying to protect her but I guess you just can’t really.

My heart goes out to you for this massive and shocking loss.

My mother did the same thing, also because of pain. At the time, my DC were 4 and a half and 1. She also looked after the 4 year old one day a week.

I sat the 4 year old down lovingly and told him that granny had died. Despite his shock and sadness - "Died? Died?" - he understood what death meant - said "I saw a dead bird in the park once" and "too late for the ambulance to make her better". I think I said that there had been something wrong with her brain.

Suicide is a near-impossible thing to grapple with compared to an 'ordinary' death. I don't buy the idea of 'closure' in general, but eventually there is adjustment. I felt the loss most of all for my children, and still do, many years later. Make sure you get whatever support you feel you need. The process is much more protracted than 'normal'. In the end, the main thing becomes that the person is no longer there, and less so the manner of their departure. But it's very early days for you.

Telling children about suicide - I have no answers. Mine were very young, so it wasn't appropriate at the time it happened. It was something I thought I should do at some point, so then it became a question of 'when?', and there was never a right time. There is probably more guidance around on this these days. About 20 years later, my DC3 developed MH problems, and because I didn't want them to be be prescribed the same drug that had contributed to my mother's death, I told them. It turned out that my ex, or someone in his family, had told the other DC. I felt that this was not their place to do.

Sending love and hugs

Please tell the children very soon, keeping it a secret will cause issues later. No need to tell them how, keep to what is definitely known, that sadly she's died you don't know how exactly but a special dr called a coroner will let you know, explain this is normal and it could take some time.

Let them know it's ok to be sad but she would want them to enjoy the rest of their school holidays and it's ok to play with toys/have fun even if you are very sad. You can probably find better wording online, this is just the gist.

Take care of yourself and your family

Just tell them the truth and answer their questions as well and honestly as you can. I needed to tell my dc at a similar age that their father had died. I really was in 2 minds about telling them that he had overdosed but in the end I did as it turned out they believed something else had killed him which in the wrong run would be worse for them to believe. Its difficult but honesty is best, look after yourself

With condolences op .
I too think they need to be told now, otherwise they will always have the fear that something bad has happened and they don't know.

I think keep it simple and factual. Grandma died unexpectedly on x. I know she was poorly but it happened more quickly than I anticipated. We were lucky to have known her and loved her.

@Thoosa

I’m so sorry for your huge loss.

As far as telling the DC goes, I think describing severe depression as a long illness that she suddenly sadly died from is perfectly truthful and age appropriate. You don’t need to specifically mention depression or suicide. Just that she had had an illness for years and nobody expected to find her so poorly so soon, but sadly when they did, she could not be made better.

You can add detail to that in years to come (You are not far from the teen years.) For now, though, it is accurate and honest and then of course, you fo us on your grief and theirs. Sending you strength.

Yes this.

Remind them how much she loved them, and encourage them to share their memories of her. Children grieve differently to adults - they jump in and out of emotions more - so they will be sad sometimes and find sometimes.

Talk about how she will always be with them in their hearts. Going forward talk about how you’ll remember her (on her birthday etc), have a family lunch after the funeral, and if you burying the ashes then encourage them to make drawings to go in the plot.

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard.
There is a charity, Winston's Wish, which is focussed on supporting kids who are bereaved, especially through suicide. It's aimed at kids who have lost a parent or sibling, but the resources on the site may still be really useful- there are guides on how to break the news, with examples of what you might say, among other things. Lots of helpful stuff. www.winstonswish.org/
Sending you unmumsnetty hugs, in any case.

We had spent Christmas together and the week before doing things with the kids and having a wonderful time

What a blessing that you had this last run of happy times together. Try to hold onto that. And remember you're grieving too. My mum died suddenly - though lots of the other circumstances were different - and it's so so hard to process and get through. Give yourself plenty of time to rest. Take up offers of help and don't feel guilty.

I lost my brother to suicide 8years ago and his DV were 10 and 9. We did tell them the truth, but that was mainly because it was going to be reported in the local press (he was of interest) and we didn’t want the DC to find out that way, I don’t know if we would have told them without that but I’m not sure. We told them he was very ill for a long time (not a lie tbh) and unfortunately didn’t not want to keep living in pain anymore. We emphasised that the pain was all he could think about and wanted that to end he couldn’t think clearly about all the good things he had in his life (again not a lie tbh). I think it’s important to be honest with children about death but needs to be age/stage appropriate obviously. I am sorry you are going through this and send you my full condolences xx

In the end there is only love.. she was loved and she loved you. ... this might resonate with you.. it means love in Sanskrit and mother in Navajo.

Really sorry for your loss.
I think it's important you tell them now.
Delaying telling them may well leave them with questions around the delay.
You need to start the process of them embracing the loss into their reality.

This sounds really similar to what happened to my FIL, except we actually found him, cause of death was unknown and had to go to the coroner, we actually had the kids with us on that day as well, thankfully they were in the car when we found him (4 and 6 at the time), the best advice I can give you is tell them as soon as they are home and tell them the truth (what they can understand and is appropriate), be kind to yourself, accept help, it will get harder before it gets easier. Our children came to the funeral,, it worked for them, it gave them the opportunity to grieve with everyone else and to see the 'conclusion' to what was the most difficult 6 weeks of our lives, however, what worked for us may not work for everyone, it is such a personal thing to go through. I'm so sorry, please take care of yourself

I'm so sorry @Sealhaver, it's so very hard. I think you have already received some very good advice on here from other posters. My dad died suddenly a few weeks ago and telling my kids was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I felt their hearts break. All you can do is be kind to yourself and each other and take everything as it comes. I brought my kids to the funeral and they are similar enough ages to yours, slightly older, and it was definitely the right thing to do for them.