Don’t know how to tell the kids - help please

[Sealhaver]

My mother was found dead at home on New Year’s Eve. I called the police and got them to break down the door when I couldn’t get in touch with her. We talk every evening and when the phone kept ringing I just knew. We had spent Christmas together and the week before doing things with the kids and having a wonderful time. And now she’s not here.
Everything about her was so closely intertwined with me and my world. There is not a street I can walk down or a story that doesn’t make me think of her. She looked after my elder daughter when I went back to work and then again when I had my son. We are all so close - and they love her so much that at this point I am more worried about them than me.

She had been threatening suicide for three years - she has really terrible chronic back pain and had serious money issues - but I thought we were coping. We talked about it openly and while I know her immobility and pain were terrible I really never thought she would do anything about it. It isn’t clear this far if she did (the police said they thought it was natural causes) but I deeply suspect she did.

We were away from home (always go away at new year) after having dropped her off at home after Christmas and I have now come back to her house. My children and husband are still away but I will meet them back at our house tomorrow evening. I told the kids she was sick and I had to go see her in hospital as I didn’t want to tell them the truth and then have to leave but now I am so terrified of telling them (they are 10 and 7) as I just want to insulate them from any part of what I am feeling right now. Does anyone have any advice? I’ve probably been stupid not telling them right away but I couldn’t just tell them and then leave.

I cannot thank you all for such kind and thoughtful advice - and my heart goes out to all of you who have lost anyone at any time under any circumstances. I am going to tell them tomorrow afternoon, when I meet them at home. I agree that the longer I leave it, the worse it will be. I really can’t say how much I appreciate everyone’s response - you’ve all been so kind.

Just be honest and be led by them, there's nothing else you can do. My mil died in October and we have been amazed by how our kids have dealt with it. They've asked thoughtful and sensible questions, they've cried, laughed, remembered, they've been sensitive to us feeling sad. They were absolutely brilliant at her funeral, we were so proud of them.
It's tough op but you'll get through it together. I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think just tell the children the truth, your mum has died and at this stage you don’t know why. It’s ok to grieve and cry with them. I’m a strong believer that we need children to understand death is part of life and not shield them from it. They will cope, you can plan some special things to do to remember your mum by and you will always have stories to tell so she stays in all your hearts forever. My children took it well when my dad died 3yrs ago, they did struggle at the funeral but were fine soon after. We always remember the little things he said and did and I know that when they are older they will look back on their grandad with lovely memories. Sending you a big hug, it’s just so hard losing a parent. Lots of love x

Sorry for your loss. My mum died mid December. We thought it was a simple chest infection when really heart failure. The kids knew she was in hospital and wanted to see her but restrictions on visitors made this impossible. We brought them home from school one day early to tell them. They all cried and then they’ve hardly mentioned it since. The eldest two went to the funeral. We felt our youngest was too young and was so looking forward to Christmas I told her granny wouldn’t want her sad for Christmas and did she have any messages for her at the funeral. She simply said she missed her and loved her. So promised to tell her that. She suffers from
Anxiety and so not sure if it’s a symptom of grief but she is not sleeping well and can’t drop off alone. She keeps saying she hears someone whispering her name which is spooky. Hope she’s not thinking it’s granny