Just told the kids their beloved Granddad has died

[Whatthechicken]

My step dad has just died, I only knew him for nine years. My kids 5&6, only knew him for three years (they are adopted), but they adored him so much and he adored them. They’ve had so few positive male role models in their little lives that they just worshipped him. My eldest threw up when we told him…they just don’t understand. I can’t stop crying and I’m not sure who I’m crying for, my mum, my kids, my step dad or myself. I lost my dad nearly 15 years ago - but strangely this feels worse because there are more people to worry about. I think my kids may need some external support through this and some life story work. Anyone have any general tips on how to get kids through this.

I don't have any advice. My mum died Thursday. Telling my dd (17) and then ds (10) was absolutely the worst thing.

Ds is just pretending she is at her caravan. I am actually very worried about him. Because he is just ignoring it.

Dd is up and down. She is OK, then a bit weepy, then sobbing then laughing.

Both asked me if I was joking because they could comprehend it.

I am just encouraging them to talk to me. Checking they are OK. Still mentioning her. I am telling them bits about the funeral. Ds said he isn't going, which me and dad are fine with. Dd is. I am letting them lead that.

They were very very close with mum. Dd stayed there 2 nights a week and they had a very special bond.

My kids don't have a hugely complex background. Though their dad is largely absent. So I don't really know what help to advise of as they may need more than just parental guidance.

I am so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you all.

Very sorry for your loss OP, and for the complicated situation with your children.

I think there are some charities which support bereaved children, one I've heard good reports about is Winstons Wish.

There are various books too, aimed at this age group, I wouldn't like to recommend any as have no first hand experience.

Keep talking and listening seems to be the best thing to encourage their gradual acceptance.

Very tough time for all of you.

I am so sorry. Maybe school can offer some support. Also please look after yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss. There are many more qualified people to comment than me but Badger's Parting Gifts is an age appropriate book about death and remembering things that make you smile about the person who's died.

Very sorry to read this OP, I'm a few weeks down the line with my kids and their grandad. It was awful telling them. They cried a lot in that first week particularly, hysterical at times. Then they seemed to sort of revert to normal but that was short lived. We're all just muddling through. It was a sudden death and I've told them they're not to worry that crying will upset me as I'm permanently upset anyway. My eldest told me I could stop trying not to cry at times coz she can see I want to bless her. I don't think there's any right or wrong with this. I've been asking them every few days how they are feeling and if they want to talk they talk if they don't want to that's fine too. Just take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time when you need to. It's very hard.

I'm so sorry for the loss of what sounds like a wonderful man.

The biggest thing is actually not to try to force anything in any direction. Grief is such an idiosyncratic thing, and just washes over you in unexpected waves. It can present in kids in strange seemingly unconnected behaviours eg anger at school about unconnected things. For the moment, in the early days, just love everyone through it and model that feelings and the honest naming and expression of these is completely OK. You can do all the entirely normal grieving things, ritual, visiting good memories. That way you are already storytelling and meaning making with them. No forcing, just when they're ready and able.

Yes let school know, the kids may outlet there if they don't want to burden you (they may try to protect you).

For adopted children there may well be attachment trauma already, and this will fit into that as another sudden and significant attachment loss. It depends how they have already dealt with these losses. As you move through this you may want to seek consultation from post adoption support that is available to you, depending on if you still have concerns.

In the future, photos, photo albums etc all useful, as are further gatherings at anniversaries etc. It totally depends on your family and how you do it.

You sound very thoughtful and attentive to their needs. You've got this OP.

Thank you all of you. I’m going to take on your suggestions and seek out some books. What a lovely supportive bunch you are especially as most of you are grieving too. for you all. My mum, their Granny came yesterday and it seemed to help settle the kids a little. I guess they were worried about granny. She just sat with them and it was peaceful. Eldest cried himself to sleep, so I got into bed with him until he fell asleep. We’ve done some normal things today as well as just let the day unfold naturally and whatever the kids have been happy doing we’ve let them do. Youngest has been busying herself with crafts and play doh, eldest went to football and is now happy just to watch tv. @Starface you sound incredibly knowledgeable around trauma and adoption and your post has reminded me about storytelling and how it works really well with my kids thank you. I will see how they go this week, but I don’t think it will hurt to get some input from post adoption. Hugs to you all.

From first hand experience I can recommend WW... They do an excellent workbook called Muddles Puddles and Sunshine which I got for ds2 when my Dad died.. Also a book called A First Look At Death which is very good at explaining everything...The Children 's Hospice recommended it when my husband died.. 😔
Sending huge hugs.. Do feel free to DM me if you wish...

A First Look At Death this is the link to the book.