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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Morbid but can you just give me your opinions on this Christmas message to a dying relative, please?

28 replies

DaphneHarvey · 14/12/2007 22:57

I have to write a Christmas card to my uncle who is dying. He is the closest in the family to my Dad (they have already lost two older brothers) and I will never see him again. He is due to be 73 on 10th January but it looks like he might not make it to that date. I am not very very close to him but I know how much he means to my father and mother (divorced) just because he is of their generation. In my childhood he was always the groovy uncle, an artist, a bonafide tree-hugging hippy, with long hair and an allotment and a falling to pieces house which he never quite managed to do up. He is cerebral and highly intelligent and perfectly well aware of what is happening to him. Do you think this is okay (esp. mentioning his funeral) to put in his Christmas card? TIA.

Dear Uncle xxxx

Oh dear, I am so deeply sorry to hear about your illness and what you are facing. We all send you our fondest love and I must judt add that you will always live on for me in my daughter R who will be 7 on 11th January. She looks so very much like your beautiful twins C and Z*. I can't explain it but there is something in her smile and the way she holds her mouth which will forever remind me of your particular branch of our family tree.

My Dad and Mum will miss you terribly. You have been a fantastic brother to Dad and my Mum thinks of you very very fondly too.

I am so pleased that your legacy lives on in your four wonderful daughters and all their children, and in your works of art, which other people who never knew you can look at and appreciate.

When the time comes I will be raising a glass (of red) to you and remembering with immense fondness our times at the summer pic-nics at C* and all the warmth and interest you showed in me and my husband and family.

Wishing you peace and happiness.

With fondest love, your niece J xxxx

OP posts:

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 14/12/2007 23:00

that sounds just lovelydh, really thoughtful and personal. sad, but lovely.

Astrophe · 14/12/2007 23:03

I think its good, iykwim.

BBBee · 14/12/2007 23:03

very nice and touching - might want to lose/reword last sentence about drinking to him 'when the time comes' it is a bit too real. If poss say it face to face but in black and white when you don't know what mood he is in and who is with him.

Waswondering · 14/12/2007 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapbox · 14/12/2007 23:08

Erm, it's more than a little bit morbid!

TBH it is a bit ing.

Does it really need to be in his face at this time of year?

Could you not just write

Dear xxxx

Thinking of you with much love at this special time of year.

Wishing you a peaceful festive season, with much love x, y and z

PortAndLemonaid · 14/12/2007 23:17

It does rather read as though he's already dead, TBH.

I would be more inclined to write something like:

Dear Uncle xxxx

Oh dear, I am so deeply sorry to hear about your illness and what you are facing. We all send you our fondest love. I will be raising a glass (of red) to you this Christmas and remembering with immense fondness our times at the summer picnics at C* and all the warmth and interest you showed in me and my husband and family.

As she grows older my daughter R (who will be 7 on 11th January) reminds me increasingly of you -- she looks very much like your beautiful twins C and Z*, and there is something in her smile and the way she holds her mouth which will forever remind me of your particular branch of our family tree and how you have always been my favourite "groovy uncle".

Wishing you peace and happiness.

With fondest love, your niece J xxxx

But obviously he's your uncle and you know how he's likely to be feeling.

Original poster

DaphneHarvey · 14/12/2007 23:17

Thanks very much for your thoughtful quick replies.

Am wanting to write the card tomorrow so he gets it when he can still read it.

He is fully aware that he is dying and it will be very soon. He was only diagnosed about 6 weeks ago!

It is the last card I will ever write to him and I want him to know that I am acknowledging that. I don't want to say something trite and brief. I just feel I have to let him know that I am aware of his situation and say a few words about what he means to me.

I think soapbox thinks I am being too morbid, from my uncle's point of view. Is she right?

So desperate to get this right ...

OP posts:

Waswondering · 14/12/2007 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BBBee · 14/12/2007 23:22

it is a very personal thing.

in your shoes i would be writing something more like you are trying to than what soapbox suggerested - just a personal thing.##

the last reworking was lovely but we are not you - hope you find your way through this adn we can helkp.

soapbox · 14/12/2007 23:27

I think P&L's reworded message is lovely.

It gets across the memories you want to share with him, without implying that he will be lucky to survive long enough to eat his Boxing Day Lunch.

You are the expert though, you know him and we do not

Original poster

DaphneHarvey · 15/12/2007 17:59

Yes, I like P&L's version too and am going to write something more along those lines. Thanks all for your interest. I hope he doesn't die on Boxing Day - that's my Dad's birthday .

OP posts:

NAB3littlemonkeys · 15/12/2007 18:36

I think it is thw wrong thing to write to be honest. It is almost like rubbing his nose in it. I know you are trying to tell him how much he meabs to you but I think there are better ways.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 15/12/2007 18:38

Sorry for the typos but having just recent.y lost our Great Nanny this is close to our hearts.

SelfishMrsClaus · 15/12/2007 18:42

Lose the "oh dear" bit.

And fwiw I wouldn't write the message at all, but as said before, you know your uncle.

I would write something so that he knows you care, but not as much as you have written.

mylittleponey · 15/12/2007 18:42

I think it's a lovely message you wrote

Heathcliffscathy · 15/12/2007 18:46

I think it's perfect.

there is nothing in this world worse than people not talking about the very very obvious elephant in the room as is so often the case with illness and death.

it is a beautiful note and if I received it I would be moved and relieved that someone in my family was acknowledging what was happening to me and thinking of me. I'd also be pleased not to be patronised, it is a very UNpatronising note and he sounds the type that will deeply appreciate that.

you should feel really good about sending it to him.

Heathcliffscathy · 15/12/2007 18:49

read the other posts and disagree (obviously!).

how can it be too in your face? the man is dying. soon. he knows it, she knows it it is really moving to be told that when the time comes someone will be celebrating their memories of you.

it is a fantastic note.

i would be so happy to receive it, so much better than anything more euphemistic (it is already oblique, it's not like you say 'when you're drawing your last breath' is it!) or worse, ignoring of the situation.

thegrowlygus · 15/12/2007 18:49

Agree with sophable.

webcrone · 15/12/2007 18:50

I think it's good, and not remotely morbid. It's open and honest without being sentimental, and from what you've said about your uncle and his relationship with your family, a real testament to you all.

Heathcliffscathy · 15/12/2007 18:51

agree that it is a testament to your family.

Elizabetth · 15/12/2007 18:59

I think it's a lovely thought to tell him what he means to you and your family and your sympathy for what he is facing but to talk about raising a glass when he dies - that seems a little cool somehow although I"m sure you don't mean it like that.

Original poster

DaphneHarvey · 15/12/2007 19:25

Now you can see why I'm all in a quandry! I am definitely not going to include the "when the time comes" bit thanks to advice on here.

But at the same time I am not just going to write "thinking of you at this time of year" cos that just doesn't say enough. This is my last chance to say something to him. I will definitely never see him again (he is in hospital 200 miles away). Even my Dad believes he will never see him again.

I want him to know that I love him and am sorry that he's dying too young and leaving all his family behind, without making him feel guilty. And I want him to know that he holds a special place in our hearts and we will miss him.

Tis very hard.

OP posts:

dingdongbelgianbunsonhigh · 16/12/2007 08:11

I agree with Portandlemonaid's version. Very similar but not quite as direct.

If y feel it is not enough you could always put something like 'I'm so sorry we will be unable to come and visit. It is at times like these that words are not enough and I would love to be able to give you a big hug.' or words to that effect.

He will know that all of you are devastated that he is dying so young but I wonder if the very direct approach may make him feel bad that he is the root of all this sadness. Do you see what I mean?

What a difficult situation you are in. Lots of love to all the {{{{{{{Daphneharveys}}}}}.
bbxx

seeker · 16/12/2007 08:21

I like portandlemon's version - I really liked yours, but I was imagining myself as his daughter possibly having to read it aloud to him.I think I could manage portandlemon's, but not yours - even though I love your directness and I admire you for facing the "elehant in the room" so directly.

it does sound as if you'd like to see him again, though - is there any way you could? Don't answer this bit by the way - I really don't want you to have to explain why you can't! It's just you don't want to have any regrets later - although it sounds as if you've probably thought it all through very carefully.

Best wishes to you and yours.

Blandmum · 16/12/2007 08:32

The elephant may well be in the room, but people don't always want any more reminding of it.

Port and lemonaids re-worded message is just right. It 'nods' in the right direction of recognition, without possibly adding to the stress that the family is experiencing.

From personal experience, (dh is dying of cancer), the best letters/ visitors help to lift you our of the situation for a little while.

People who want to labour the point of death and dying are a huge emotional drag.

But good on you for being brave enough to do it, but go with the amended letter

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