How to support friend through child loss

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My friend has just lost her DD3 in incredibly traumatic circumstances. Very unexpected. She tried to save her but wasn't able to. I have no idea what to do or say to help her through this horror. Please anyone who has been through something similar can you offer any advice? I am so lost as to what I can do or say. Everything feels inadequate.

Bump?

Horrible! I wouldn't have a clue but I think all you can do is let her know you're sorry and help in anyway way you're able to. It's really difficult to know what to say at the start but as time goes on just let her know that her DD won't be forgotten and be a listening ear for her. Poor family x

Whatever you do, keep in touch.

How Incredibly sad.
I had a friend who lost a baby, tbh there's nothing you can say other than how sorry
You are how you'll be there for her so it's best to take action as opposed to words.

I used to go round and sit with her, even in silence, she had someone there.
I cleaned for her, sorted washing, took her other DC out for couple of hours, took round some meals, got some food bits in, if I was there and family came I'd make cuppas and leave. Run her a bath.

I sort of took lead of her life for her whilst she felt she couldn't.
It's very hard, this was couple of years ago and she still thanks me to this day.

Use the child's name, and don't be afraid to talk about her.

Don't offer any clichés (she's in a better place, she's looking down on you, she was too precious for this world).

Its ok to say to her that it's shit, and you don't have words to make her feel better.

Offer practical support, not "if there's anything...." but I'll look after your dc while you attend to X, I will cook for you tonight etc.

Listen.

Don't compare her loss to anything you have been through unless you have also had a child who died.

Remember anniversaries and birthdays and always send a text, email, card or anything using her daughters name on that day.

Don't expect her to be over this in a month, a year or 5 years. Many will, and will drift away once they realise she isn't over this fast enough.

Don't trauma dump on her so she ends up comforting you, you can get support from people in your family or friendship group who don't know her.

The fact your asking is a huge positive step in supporting her

@OinkPinkPonk

How Incredibly sad. I had a friend who lost a baby, tbh there's nothing you can say other than how sorry You are how you'll be there for her so it's best to take action as opposed to words.

I used to go round and sit with her, even in silence, she had someone there.
I cleaned for her, sorted washing, took her other DC out for couple of hours, took round some meals, got some food bits in, if I was there and family came I'd make cuppas and leave. Run her a bath.

I sort of took lead of her life for her whilst she felt she couldn't.
It's very hard, this was couple of years ago and she still thanks me to this day.

You are lovely.

I think it’s incredibly difficult and almost impossible to know what to do. This sort of loss reminds us of how fragile life is and how terrible it can be. One of my friends lost her teenage son. She has never recovered and although she says I have been there for her I don’t really feel I have.
I think what the poster above me said is absolutely lovely.

Sometimes there's no need to say anything, just being there helps. Just listen if she needs to talk, and just sit with her through the silences.
It's so very, very sad.

There's nothing you can say to make it better, but do say how sorry you are and you would like to help in any way.
Your friend will know how hard it is for people to know what to say, but it's very upsetting if a friend says nothing.
I also think its good to talk about other things too and not feel you can't- but also be willing to be steered back to your friends loss. She may need to repeat things a lot and revisit things. Let her if that's what she needs a listening ear for. You can't change things, neither can she, but she may need to keep working things through.
People don't always come to terms with things quickly and especially a traumatic sudden loss I think is a shocking new reality to even believe can have happened to you.

@Cissyandflora Thank you

Thank you so much all. And I'm so sorry for those who have been through similar

Thank you so much all. And I'm so sorry for those who have been through similar

Thank you for posting this question. A friend of mine has just lost her adult son and her heart is broken, so it is good to have some idea what could be helpful to her.

Very difficult, I have been in the same situation with a lovely friend. Just be there, unfortunately, a lot of people disappear after the funeral.

I am conscious I don't want to keep hassling her....am sending messages with no reply. Is it better to keep reaching out?

Keep in touch, WhatsApp text etc, don’t expect a reply, don’t take it personally. Try along the lines off I’m here for you whenever you need me

Don't keep saying I'm here for you, if you want to text just simply send a heart or something then it's no pressure.

Maybe send a card/postcard every few days. Thinking of you, with no pressure to respond sort of message? Might help her to feel able to get in touch when she feels able. You sound like a very thoughtful friend. One of my friends lost her sister to suicide; what she said that she found hardest was that people would avoid her. She knew that they did this becAuse they were frightened of saying the “wrong” thing. She said she found that so hard; she’d have found it easier if they’d spoken to her and told her how they felt. It wouldn’t matter if what they said upset her in that moment; nothing could make the loss worse. She’d have much preferred to have people tell her how they felt. That’s always stuck with me.

Thank you so much all. I am meant to be seeing her today, I don't know what to take or do when I'm there but I suppose just showing up and listening is the best way.

@Roselilly36

Very difficult, I have been in the same situation with a lovely friend. Just be there, unfortunately, a lot of people disappear after the funeral.

Do you think they really do @Roselilly36? A friend of mine has just lost her only child. Surely people will still be supporting her in 5, 10, 20 years time? It's the most unimaginable loss

I have been going through something similar with my friend. I just send her a quick message maybe once a week. I’ve popped round to see her a couple of times, just tried to keep in touch basically. She knows she can ask if she needs anything, or an ear to listen.
It’s abs heartbreaking 💔

@hollielouise66 unfortunately so, in my friends case, people quickly go back to their lives.

That's so sad. Have you ever read the poem 'I lost my child today' by Netta Wilson @Roselilly36? It sums up so succinctly what you say. I just googled it and it made me well up.

I hope you felt a little more at ease now you have seen your friend, op.
She's fundamentally still the same person, and I hope you can feel more comfortable that she's still in there trying to navigate her way through this.

Hi OP. Just say you are sorry, you don't know what to say and that you'll try to support in whatever why you can. Ask if she wants to talk about DD, ask if she wants company. Just send a little message every few days - and don't get upset if your friend doesn't reply. And PP are correct, a lot of people disappear after the funeral or after a few months when it's no longer an immediate loss to deal with.

Having been through this I did appreciate people staying in touch even if I wasn’t ready to reply. Don’t constantly text asking how she is because that’s a really stupid question that I get asked a lot. Don’t try to make it better or distract her if that’s what she wants. Just message her and say you are thinking of her so she knows you will be there when she’s ready.

When you do speak I agree that you should use the child’s name and don’t do things like avoid any talk about children - it’s a very difficult thing. I don’t want to talk to people about my sons death in any sort of detail but I don’t want to pretend like he never existed or this didn’t happen.