How to support friend through child loss

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My friend has just lost her DD3 in incredibly traumatic circumstances. Very unexpected. She tried to save her but wasn't able to. I have no idea what to do or say to help her through this horror. Please anyone who has been through something similar can you offer any advice? I am so lost as to what I can do or say. Everything feels inadequate.

That should say don’t try to distract her UNLESS that’s what she wants. People need time to come to terms with something like this. Not that you ever really do, it just gets less hard.

I recently went through a challenging time and I had several people who left me alone and several people who sent me too many 'thinking of you' messages.

But you know, when I was ready to talk or unburden, I did it to the people who never stopped messaging me even if I didn't reply. Because I felt safe that they wanted to hear and that I wasn't pushing my feelings on them. They had very clearly opened the door.

Now I will always message regularly and I'll say 'don't feel you need to reply'. I will never forget the people who intentionally stayed connected in those hard days.

Just hold her. Hug her. Cry with her. Listen to her. Don't talk about yourself at all. Follow her lead. If she wants to make small talk- then make small talk. Let her repeat herself as often as she needs. Bring round really easy to eat food. Leave it in fridge- say it's there if she fancies it. Talk about her precious child. Don't avoid her. Tell her you love her. Keep checking in with her but make it clear no response is expected.

I have lost a child in the not distant past.

I still have friends that check in on me with messages that I hardly ever reply to.

There are friends who are too afraid to say the wrong thing so seem to avoid us now; friends who are afraid to mention my child's name.

Then there are friends who ask me questions about my child and talk about them and use their name.

It is coming up to Christmas so help your friend with her other children if she is ok with that (if her children are young, as mine are). It is hard as as a parent you don't want to go out and see families having fun with all their children but your other children need that normality too.

Practical help is much better then a vague "let me know if you need anything". When you can't even articulate to yourself what you need there is no way you can ask for help with it

@OinkPinkPonk

How Incredibly sad. I had a friend who lost a baby, tbh there's nothing you can say other than how sorry You are how you'll be there for her so it's best to take action as opposed to words.

I used to go round and sit with her, even in silence, she had someone there.
I cleaned for her, sorted washing, took her other DC out for couple of hours, took round some meals, got some food bits in, if I was there and family came I'd make cuppas and leave. Run her a bath.

I sort of took lead of her life for her whilst she felt she couldn't.
It's very hard, this was couple of years ago and she still thanks me to this day.

You are a lovely person and a lovely and kind friend.
💕💕💕

Go easy on the “thinking of you”s and “tell me if you need anything”s
I had one friend who sent that every week and it felt like she was pressuring me to make her feel useful, because she felt helpless.

What I did appreciate was people taking me out for walks and just literally letting me talk at them and they just listened. I was like a broken record but they didn’t mind.
Also some people would bring nibbly bits of food as eating is very hard. So I appreciated things like pastries that I could just pick at. Or If you’re good at cooking then try making something like a pasta bake or lasagne and bring it round, divided up so some Can be put in the freezer.

There’s lots of “wrong” things to say but I always say that saying the wrong thing is always better than saying nothing. Not that you would say nothing, you’re posting this question here which shows you’re a thoughtful lovely person.

I'm so sorry to those who have lost a child 💐. I know someone who has recently lost their daughter. We live a long way apart and we aren't close friends. I'm not sure how appropriate it is to send 'thinking of you' texts too often but realistically there is not much else I can do. @feelingkenty I don't mean this in a negative/antagonistic way at all, but when you say people check in and you don't reply, is there a reason for that? I want to be supportive but don't want to do the wrong thing. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I didn't reply to messages when my dd died it was physically and mentally impossible.
I think when she's ready she will reach out to you.
I had several friends who avoided me it still hurts 6 yrs later.
What I did appreciate were the sympathy and mass cards we received. I kept all of them in a special memory box and still look at them occasionally. It brings me comfort to read them.
The most important thing is to still be there for her in 6 months/12 months.

Everything oink said is exactly what is needed. When I lost my girl I was also lost , my friend just kept turning up and quietly helping me through. Looking back I don't know how I would have got through with out her X

Have a look at this website there are free to download leaflets on what to say . So sorry to hear this eve sad news ...

TCF.org.Uk in time your friend could also call them it’s ran by bereaved parents x

It’s the charity The Compassionate Friends for anyone wanting information written by parents who have lost a child themselves .

@hollielouise66 intense grief, from a life changing out of order death is incredibly draining. It sucks the life and joy out of you and in my case most of my energy goes on trying to keep a sense of normality for my other children. It's an endless mask that we put on for the benefit of others and to get through the remainder of our lives.

I appreciate all the messages from friends I receive who keep hanging in there and messaging me and don't take it personally even though I very rarely respond. They are the ones who see behind the mask.

I appreciate the friends who don't try and pretend everything is normal when it will ever be normal again.

Thank you @feelingkenty. That's really kind of you to share your feelings.

My friend has lost her only child (a teenager). Feel so heartbroken for her.