Children at catholic funeral

[Laura2211]

My husband’s sister passed away recently & understandably he is devastated. The funeral is in a few days & I was suprised he wants our children to attend who are 2.5 yrs & 6 months. It is a full catholic mass followed by burial & wake. He is catholic, I am not.
My main concern is my baby - he gets very unsettled in big crowds & I just don’t think it is suitable, plus I feel I will be spend most of the day seeing to an unsettled baby instead of focusing on supporting the family & paying my respects. My sister has offered to look after him for the day but my husband is adamant that he attends.
What is the etiquette on this? Is it usual for children to attend funerals? If they do, any tips on keeping them occupied?
I am from a small family so have not attended many funerals at all.
TIA

Its perfectly normal for your husband to want his children with him its more probably for his support if that makes sense not that its a catholic tradition. Could your sister come with you to the funeral and sit close by so if needed she could take the baby outside or on home if they are really unsettled

It is the circle of life.

Children go to funerals in Ireland all the time. It's perfectly acceptable. And (although yours are quite young) it can actually help them process their loss. Your husband is the one most affected by this, I think you should go with what he wants.

snacks and quiet toys to keep them occupied but don't worry as its a given everyone will want to cuddle them and help you out at this difficult time children can help where adults can't

my sincere condolences to your husband

Perfectly normal, your children are young and wouldn't understand but exposing them can normalise that these events are normal. Could your sister come and support you with the children at the funeral? I'm not sure what your like for numbers as I know churches still have restrictions!
What about your sister bringing them to the wake??

It is very traditional in Catholic families to have children at funerals. If the baby gets unsettled, take him outside. They will understand.

I am sorry for your and your husband's loss.

There should be a 'crying room' you can take the baby to if needed. It's totally normal and I think it's a good thing, children should be scared of death or have it made into a big thing, catholic or otherwise.

Also my daughter was quite good at mass at a young age, I used to take quiet toys and if she needed fed she needed fed. She always like a look around and liked it when people sang hymns! Now as a 2.5 year old I take books and crayons and some little animals that she likes to line up.

I've never come across a Catholic funeral in any country where there weren't loads of children and where anyone was expecting the kind of hushed, old-fashioned-library-type atmosphere people seem to talk about on here as desirable. No one's going to pitch a fit if your baby cries during Mass.

Not every Catholic Church has a 'cry room' I've only ever come across one that does. So don't rely on there being one. Just take them out.

Yes, it's normal to bring the little ones. It's unlikely anyone will be upset by them crying, if anything they will be a comfort to everyone. There's nothing like the immediacy of a baby's needs to help take you out of grief. Very sorry for your & your husband's loss

If you spend your time calming baby then that’s fine. That’s what partners do. My DH did it during my aunt’s funeral when I was devastated because my cousin wanted DS there and as immediate family of the deceased her wishes trumped everyone else’s. It’s his sister’s death, so what your DP wants should be what is important.

Very typical at Catholic funerals.

Can your sister come to the funeral and be there to take the baby out etc if needed?

Yes, that's normal.
All of my mum 21 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren went to her funeral.
Also went to the cemetery and wake afterwards.

I am going to say I can understand why you do not want your children there. My cousins brought their children to my grandparents funeral and it was not appropriate. The youngest was playing around and the eldest really struggled. The middle two did not know what was going on. It was also hard because my cousins left my sister and I to look after their children - obviously not bitter about this

Very typical. Like you I wasn't used to it but having been at my Dad's funeral without the DC and my FILs with I'd now always recommend DC go. Think it's a really good tradition, both for the adults and the DC.

Children at funerals can bring moments of joy to the bereaved, I've seen it many times & your DH will want you & them around for comfort & support. Maybe agree to sit at the back of the church, so you can nip outside if baby becomes too unsettled

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with the children attending the funeral but typically Catholic funerals, especially with a full mass last ages (potentially hours). Especially if they are doing the vigil bit (what feels like hours on knees) . Are they having incense as well? If they are this will be a pungent church filling smoke . Quite how you will keep two little ones even half entertained for even an hour at what is a very sombre occasion whilst still being respectful I don't know. I would suggest compromise and children only attend afterwards when they will be a welcome distraction for the adults.

Never heard of a crying room - sounds a bit sinister .
But absolutely normal to see parents with babies in church porches or side chapels calming them down. Funeral masses are mostly familiar ritual, not long sermons and eulogies. They're expected to cater for frail, disabled, small kids and babes in arms. Not bringing children would be unusual for regular mass goers. Priests etc are used to them. Normal to bring a screaming baby out into the porch and give small kids a quiet activity.

@Belleager

Never heard of a crying room - sounds a bit sinister . But absolutely normal to see parents with babies in church porches or side chapels calming them down. Funeral masses are mostly familiar ritual, not long sermons and eulogies. They're expected to cater for frail, disabled, small kids and babes in arms. Not bringing children would be unusual for regular mass goers. Priests etc are used to them. Normal to bring a screaming baby out into the porch and give small kids a quiet activity.

Nothing sinister about it. Many newer churches have one -- glassed off, sound-proof area with the service visible and the sound piped in, and where babies can make a racket without bothering anyone other than the accompanying parent of the other babies making a racket.

My 18 month old was at my mums funeral

He was being looked after by his nanny who took him out when she felt he needed a little break or something else to do

Its fine to pop out with them if you feel they are getting a little fractious

I no longer have young children as my three are now grown up. However, I do certainly remember how demanding and difficult they could be when they were the ages yours are.

Either way you choose to do it is acceptable, though if I had a 6 month old and someone else who I trusted offered to have them for me I'd be very keen to take them up on it. It would just make things so much easier on the day just having the one child to worry about.

Your DH seems to want you all there though. That is fine too

Another Irish person here! There's been children at nearly every Catholic funeral I've ever been to. If the kids get unsettled, a parent usually just takes them outside for a bit. I will say at my Grandfather's funeral, my siblings and I didn't go to the grave as my mum thought we'd be too upset at the thought of grandad going in the ground but we were a bit older than your kids and could comprehend what was going on. I also didn't attend an open casket wake until I was about 16. But I would definitely bring the kids in your situation, specially if that's what your husband whats and its his family. He obviously thinks its appropriate if he wants them there.

Catholic funerals tend to be about bringing the whole community together around the family and celebrating the deceased's life, particularly if there is a wake which can actually be quite an unexpectedly uplifting experience. If your husband has a large extended family, he may see it as an opportunity to integrate your children into the family. Your lovely little baby will also be a very welcome focus of happiness for those who are grieving, particularly the older generation.

In terms of keeping baby and your older child occupied: during the service try milk, books, and a toy that doesn't make noise. After that, you'll probably find relatives very attentive during the wake, but pack snacks and whatever toys normally keep your eldest occupied. Also have a screen on hand in case they get a bit overwhelmed and need some time out. If your sister is also able to attend to support then great.

My little sister saw the candles at my grandpa's funeral and started singing happy birthday. Was lovely.

Agree about circle of life and giving hope to those left behind, and just do like you would for a school play/meeting etc, if they are so noisy they may distract others take them out