Children at catholic funeral

[Laura2211]

My husband’s sister passed away recently & understandably he is devastated. The funeral is in a few days & I was suprised he wants our children to attend who are 2.5 yrs & 6 months. It is a full catholic mass followed by burial & wake. He is catholic, I am not.
My main concern is my baby - he gets very unsettled in big crowds & I just don’t think it is suitable, plus I feel I will be spend most of the day seeing to an unsettled baby instead of focusing on supporting the family & paying my respects. My sister has offered to look after him for the day but my husband is adamant that he attends.
What is the etiquette on this? Is it usual for children to attend funerals? If they do, any tips on keeping them occupied?
I am from a small family so have not attended many funerals at all.
TIA

Absolutely the norm to have children at a Catholic funeral, even a full requiem Mass. Take toys/books/snacks etc but don’t worry about them making a bit of noise, they’re not going to upset anyone (clearly if they’re screaming the place down it might be sensible to take them out/to the back of the church where there is often a partioned off section). Children are a blessing.

In my experience children, including young children, are more common at a big Catholic church funeral than at a small, non-religious or "default CoE but not really very religious" crematorium-type service. (I am a Catholic but my family aren't and I have plenty of experience of both.) If you've only been to the latter sort I can see why you might feel the children would be out of place. My Dad died recently and his funeral was a very small non-religious crematorium service. I would actually have really liked my children (6 and 8) to be there but in the end I decided against it, the congregation was very small, the only children in attendance were 12+ and I think it was the right call. But if this is a larger Catholic funeral mass in a church I think your children will be perfectly appropriate and there will be plenty of people around to help you if necessary. The presence of children is actually one of the things I really like about Catholic funerals. So I would follow your husband's wishes on this. For the church service, it's fine to bring some small toys / snacks for your toddler.

Yes children attend funerals in the Catholic Church

The children are not expected to be silent and if they become unsettled are usually taken outside

I understand your husband wanting them there but if you think your baby might not enjoy it you could have you sister watch him during the mass and then collect him to take him to the gathering afterwards.

Kids are welcome at catholic funerals, it’s lovely to have them there to contrast the circle of life (if that doesn’t sound too dark) and of course to see their family. If the baby cries just take them outside or into the hall for a walk around, people do this all the time - nobody will frown at you or tut! Hope it goes okay.

I don't believe children that young belong at funerals, or weddings. People are grieving and no good can ever come from a newborn screaming or toddler yelling and shouting, running etc. It's disrespectful to the grieving, and completely inappropriate to have them there because of the disruption. I think you husband is being completely unreasonable, and I bet the settling will all be on you so he doesn't have any idea how hard it will be for you to control them, because he doesn't bother that's all on you usually. A toddler AND a newborn is too much for you to handle at a funeral. It's selfish and thoughtless of your husband. I would say you would only take them if HE takes 100% responsibility for them both and HE takes them out when they muck up. See how keen he is then!!

My little sister saw the candles at my grandpa's funeral and started singing happy birthday. Was lovely. this made me smile, I remember my dd doing this at Mass once. She also shouted boo at the priest when he stood up after kneeling
Very very normal for children to be there. At my dcs' RC primary school some of the pupils were taken to the funeral of a friend of the school by their head teacher, to represent the school and children she loved so much. When nuns ran the school, back in the day, some of the pupils would perform alter service at school time funerals.
I think it would be odd for family children not to attend. Just position yourself to be able to make a speedy and discrete exit if one of the children gets restless or upset.

It is absolutely fine to bring them. But I wouldn't want to. It's too serious and long and I would feel stressed out trying to keep them occupied enough.

Is it close enough for sister to bring them to wake afterwards? If not can you bring them to wake only. Mass with a toddler and 6 month old is a task.

You will be a much better support to dh without them there. If they are there he will have to help with the parenting. If he is aware of that and still wants them there I would take them but don't understand his logic.

Very normal to have children at funerals I think and not specifically Catholic. My very young at the time cousins were at my grandparents' funerals, my nephew was a baby at SIL's dad's funeral

When my parents died all the small children (there are 9 cousins, their grandchildren) (8 when my mother died as 9th not quite born) were there including at my mother's Catholic funeral. My father's was C of E.

However it is up to the parents to decide really. I was glad they were all there.

It is very important children understand death and those under 4 don't know what is going on anyway so it does them no harm to sit still and look at a book etc.

Many people I know have to decline going to funerals because they have small children, that you have a sister who has offered to have your children while you and DH go is quite rare! No way would I turn down your sister's offer.

When you’re grieving, seeing a small child playing is a reminder of how beautiful life can be. Even hearing a baby cry is a reminder that life goes on. Children are joyful, and should be welcome in a church. It isn’t disrespectful - they’re part of the deceased’s family.

@TheGirlCat

I don't believe children that young belong at funerals, or weddings. People are grieving and no good can ever come from a newborn screaming or toddler yelling and shouting, running etc. It's disrespectful to the grieving, and completely inappropriate to have them there because of the disruption. I think you husband is being completely unreasonable, and I bet the settling will all be on you so he doesn't have any idea how hard it will be for you to control them, because he doesn't bother that's all on you usually. A toddler AND a newborn is too much for you to handle at a funeral. It's selfish and thoughtless of your husband. I would say you would only take them if HE takes 100% responsibility for them both and HE takes them out when they muck up. See how keen he is then!!

I think I'd defer to the husband's family's views here - if they're observant Catholics, their view is likely to be very different from yours, @TheGirlCat . Funerals are community events - so more like bringing your kids to granny's 70th birthday bash at home than to a dinner out, for example.

Also while I'd normally agree kids shouldn't be dumped on mum, this is the man's sister's funeral. I'm sure OP wants to support him rather than quibble about childcare for one day. But I hope the thread reassures her that the kids being kids don't bother anyone in a standard Catholic culture. Not disrespectful at all.

It's selfish and thoughtless of your husband. I would say you would only take them if HE takes 100% responsibility for them both and HE takes them out when they muck up. See how keen he is then!!

Sheesh. Give the man a break. His sister has just died,

I brought my children to several funerals when they were babies/toddlers. It's normal in Ireland, in fact people like to see it as it can distract from the grieving.

My father in law died when they were 2 and 3. So many family members helped me out on the day of the funeral and they had a great time being spoilt by everyone. For the church I just brought some toys they could play quietly with and older cousins helped distract them as well. There was a crying room but I didn't need to use it. I did let them see their grandad in the casket but kept them away from the grave when the casket was lowered in.

A toddler may even get a walk-on role - go up holding dad's hand if he does a prayer of the faithful / brings up a gift / token of the deceased's life. Both children may get a shout-out from the altar - we remember X as a loving mum to ... and auntie to Anna and Elsa who are here with us today etc. It's really not like an invite-only wedding.

Thanks for info re crying room @Verfremdungseffekt - sounds great. But porch / back of church works too OP. Honestly wouldn't give another thought to etiquette. Do what your husband would like unless sisters immediate family have any problem with it.

Also agree with others - bring sister to funeral if she's willing and the extra pair of hands will help with baby. That's the perfect solution. Baby nephew / nieces not coming would make a sad occasion even sadder for most Catholic heritage families I know.

Children put the fun in funerals. They put smile on people's faces on these sombre days.

It's worth bearing in mind (possibly) that their auntie has died. They've a right to be there too, it is their family as well.

My dad died earlier this year and all the children in the family came to the funeral - the youngest grandchild is 2. I’m catholic, my husband isn’t and he definitely thought it was odd, but I think he understood afterwards. It was lovely to have them there, and they behaved surprisingly well. It’s fine for them to make a noise, no one expects them to be silent. If they need to walk around, that’s fine too.

I never took young children and babies to funerals because it is upsetting for the adults and hard to juggle the emotion and everything going on aswell as care for babies/toddlers who are clueless and just want to bulldoze around.

As a compromise I would take your sister along so she can deal with the brunt of the childcare and keep them occupied.

Firstly , your husband wants the children to go so you should support him by agreeing imo.
Secondly , I have been to funerals with and without children. The sort where the whole community comes together is really nice and the grieving elderly like to see the new life. Don't worry about it, after all there will be family there and they will understand. Just take them out if they are crying or too noisy.

@TheGirlCat

I don't believe children that young belong at funerals, or weddings. People are grieving and no good can ever come from a newborn screaming or toddler yelling and shouting, running etc. It's disrespectful to the grieving, and completely inappropriate to have them there because of the disruption. I think you husband is being completely unreasonable, and I bet the settling will all be on you so he doesn't have any idea how hard it will be for you to control them, because he doesn't bother that's all on you usually. A toddler AND a newborn is too much for you to handle at a funeral. It's selfish and thoughtless of your husband. I would say you would only take them if HE takes 100% responsibility for them both and HE takes them out when they muck up. See how keen he is then!!

You are completely misunderstanding the purpose of Catholic funerals. There is no concept that it’s some kind of hushed, formal affair separate from normal life, where the grieving need to be surrounded by silence. There will be other babies and small children, who aren’t viewed as encumbrances or sources of disruption.