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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Dad died and never met his grandson

27 replies

Aarti96 · 31/10/2021 18:44

My dad passed away 3 months ago, and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him. I gave birth 8 weeks ago to a beautiful baby boy and I feel absolutely heartbroken that he can’t be here to see his grandchild.

Every little milestone my DS hits is clouded with grief, as all I can think is ‘I wish my dad could see this’. I know he would’ve been the most amazing grandad. He was utterly selfless, kind and giving.

He suddenly developed a brain tumour last year and battled it for 12 months. He was only 53. Me and my mum were his sole carers, our whole lives stopped for a year to look after him and I feel privileged to have been able to spend every single day with him.

I was lucky enough to be able to tell him I was pregnant with his grandson before his memory faded. I remember the tears of joy he cried on that day. He saw the scan pictures and we recorded DS’s heart beat for him to listen to. He was so excited and I hoped that he would live to meet the baby, but unfortunately it didn’t go that way.

I’m enjoying every second being a mum to my gorgeous boy but it’s just hard without my dad…just wanted to vent really as I’m having a down day today.

OP posts:

Mammma91 · 31/10/2021 18:55

OP, i am so sorry about your dad. He sounded wonderful. Although your DS hasn’t got to meet him, I’m sure you will tell him all about his grandpa. He will always be with you both.

eggandonion · 31/10/2021 18:58

My parents didn't live long enough to meet my kids. Sometimes I see them in my kids, if that makes sense, just a look out of the blue.
Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. It's really unfair!

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2021 19:00

It is extremely hard to parent a new baby and grieve at the same time. DMIL died when DD was a small baby. She would have been a wonderful GM and I believe DH might have wanted two DC had she lived. We have one.

Be kind to yourself. You can't go around it so you have to go through it. It's lovely he knew before he died. That must have given him so much joy. My DMIL did meet DD but she was so ill at that point it was heartbreaking. She couldn't hold her or anything.

All the best.

WakeUpLockie · 31/10/2021 19:03

Wow that is really shit OP. I’m sorry for your loss.

EmeraldDaisy · 31/10/2021 19:11

Couldn't agree more about how hard it is to parent when you're grieving, I hope for you that you also get some comfort in the future by seeing him in your own child.
So sorry for your loss, it sounds like you were really there for your dad.

Sexnotgender · 31/10/2021 19:13

I’m so sorry. We had a baby girl 6 months ago and I know it breaks my husband’s heart that his mum never met her only granddaughter.

eggandonion · 31/10/2021 19:15

I think caring for a terminally ill person as you did is exhausting, let alone moving on to have a baby.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 31/10/2021 19:16

I was in a similar situation, it's so hard. Not much use to you at the moment, but for later ..... We talked to the DCs about their Grandad as if he was here and showed lots of photos, had them on display etc. Told lots of stories about him. They grew up talking about him as if they had known him. Still makes me sad that they didn't but also brought some comfort. So sorry for your loss at all this time, life can be so cruel at times x

Musicaltheatremum · 31/10/2021 19:19

Brain tumours are the worst. My husband died nearly 10 years ago from one. He was 50. My kids 18 and 16.

I have moved forwards and am getting married again but I know my kids struggle.

Survival from brain tumours has not improved in 20 years.

Ozanj · 31/10/2021 19:25

Life is so shit sometimes. My Fil passed away two days before sil was being induced with his first GC. Not a day goes by when Bil / Mil don’t think about and regret what happened - they found it easier to cope by focussing 100% on DN and his milestones. Celebrating every major and minor milestone. They had cake for every monthly birthday in the first year, made special memories with all the GP, and just tried to park their grief. Not saying it’s the right way to do things but it did help them cope.

BlackAlys · 31/10/2021 19:30

You deserve such love and kindness. You and your Mum have been through such heartbreak and torment. Be kind to yourself.

But remember, how utterly wonderful for your Dad to have known that his legacy would live on and that you, his daughter, was going to be a Mum. You must have made him so, so proud. He knows he was loved.

Like others have said - you must walk through this grief - it cannot be avoided. For what it's worth, your Dad sounded incredible. May he sleep a restful sleep.

emmaluggs · 31/10/2021 19:40

So terribly sad, it does fade with time, sort of I think the grief changes overtime. My dad died when my youngest was 6 weeks old, he’s now 2 and sometimes I’ll be at the park and see these grandads and grandchildren and it just hits me all over again. My eldest was 20 months when he passed, and they were such chums.

I try to focus on what we do have and keep my dads memory alive. Be kind to yourself it’s still early days x

Vallmo47 · 31/10/2021 19:44

Completely understand OP as been in very similar shoes. My mum passed at only 60 years of age and died 5 months after my son was born. She spent her last 3 months in hospital, completely unrecognisable. I didn’t really get to enjoy my firstborn, just went through the motions and had to watch my MIL gush about how fantastic he was and how much nanny (meaning herself) loves him. It made me resentful, I said and did many things I regret.
Just try your best to enjoy your baby, that’s what your dad would have wanted. And if there is any way your dad is able to visit, no matter how impossible that seems, believe me he is looking over you all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2021 19:50

I said and did many things I regret.

Please don't feel bad. DH said a few things in his grief and it's all completely understandable. Grief makes you angry and resentful and it's not just sadness.

Whereismylatte · 31/10/2021 20:00

I'm so sorry @Aarti96

If you feel like you want to look, there's a thread for those of us who've lost parents, it's a supportive space for venting/remembering/anything...

I have found it helpful in dark times.

Original poster

Aarti96 · 31/10/2021 20:01

Thank you so much for your replies, and so sorry to everyone who’s lost someone close. It’s not easy.

I hope as DS grows I’ll see more and more of my dad in him and like others have said, I’ll make sure he knows just how amazing his grandad was :)

OP posts:

sadgrizzly · 31/10/2021 20:33

I dont respond a lot to threads, bit of a lurker, but really wanted to jump in here with this one.
My dad died 2 years before I had my boy. He would have been a THE BEST grandad to my little one, they share a lot of interests - outdoors, nature, motorbikes, fast cars, good food.
Little one is 4 now, and we have another on the way, and there is not a day that goes by that I dont grieve for what could have been.

What I do is make sure my dad is very current and relevant in our lives, we talk about him, look at pictures, reference his history, all the time. Little one knows exactly who his grandad is, and although little one wasnt part of dad's life, dad is so so much a part of little one's life.

Bring you dad through the time line with you, carry on the conversation.

Sending you strength and quiet understanding.
x

happylittlevegemites · 31/10/2021 20:38

Oh my sweet. I’m welling up thinking about this. I have no advice nor words of wisdom, but it sounds hard and I can but send you my love x

DontWantTheRivalry · 09/11/2021 09:30

I understand OP

My MIL got quite sick when I was pregnant with what would have been her first grandson and she ultimately died when he was 2 months old. She held him at the hospital when he was born which she really struggled with, and then never held him again. We would go and visit her a lot but she just didn’t have the strength to hold him or the mental capacity to really understand who he was.

A week before she died she was in hospital for that week and the deterioration left us all in shock. She was on a continuous morphine pump, unable to move, eat or drink. She could open her eyes and look at us but that was all she was capable of. The day before she died I took my son into the hospital and when she saw him she looked so sad, and although she couldn’t move or speak, tears just rolled down her face and I think that’s when she realised she was going to die and what she was going to miss out on. I will never forget it.

That was seven years ago now and we have since gone on to have another child and it upsets me and my DH so much that both our boys have grown up without her in their life and absolutely no memory of her. It makes me tearful just thinking about it because she would have made such a wonderful grandma.

Like you, everything feels tainted by her absence - when absolutely anything our children do that is impressive (winning certificates at school or something) we feel sad that MIL can’t be part of that…the same for Christmas, birthdays, holidays etc - everything.

She would have doted on them and it’s hard to cope with the sad emotions involved with thinking of not only what she has missed, but also what our boys have missed by her not being part of her life.

Sending sympathy your way

herewegoagain1960s · 09/11/2021 14:05

So very sorry. I've just lost my husband suddenly. The day after his funeral his 5th grandchild arrived. It was very emotional for me to meet him. My husband lives on in his grandchildren and so does your dad xx

Original poster

Aarti96 · 09/11/2021 19:11

@herewegoagain1960s I am so sorry for your loss

OP posts:

Isolateykatey · 09/11/2021 19:20

I’m so sorry. Losing a parent is so hard. We’ve had an awful few years as a family and my 2 (8&3) only have 1 remaining grandparent. I spend a lot of time watching other grandparents and thinking ‘what if’ but it does get easier.

We have done scrapbooks of photos and our memories of all of our children’s grandparents who have died. It’s really helped as they’ve gotten older to have something real to show them.

Sorry you are going through this.

NotExactlyOptimistic · 09/11/2021 19:23

TheMadGardener · 09/11/2021 19:55

I am so sorry for your loss.
I didn't have my dad around growing up but was very close to my lovely lovely FIL. He died when I was 5 months pregnant with his first grandchild. It was so sad. He would have been such a great person for my DDs to know. MIL died this year but at least she got to be a grandma to my DDs until they were 14 and 16.

I think all you can do is try to keep the person's memory alive and share stories about them. I think my DD1 has a lot of FIL's traits in her - she has his very dry sense of humour and his love of teaching himself new skills.

hairymclarey152 · 09/11/2021 20:03

I really understand as my mom
Died when I was twelve weeks pregnant with my first

Every milestone they met was tinged with sadnes that she'd missed out and i really struggled to enjoy them I was so wrapped up in grief

Now there older I can see lots of the lovely ways my
Mom had live on through them and I take comfort from that

I really feel for you because it taints what for most people is a wonderful time of their lives being a parent
I felt I'd had that taken away somehow

You will get through though children often help us through the worst times x

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