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Original poster

Funeral on the deceaseds birthday

30 replies

Charleymouse · 23/10/2021 16:45

My Mum has unexpectedly passed away this week
Due to the sudden nature of her death and her previously being in reasonably good health we have to have an inquest.

The funeral director has indicated the earliest the funeral can be held is second week in November. This week is also my mums birthday.

What would you think if the funeral was held on the deceased's birthday. I mentioned it to my husband who thought it was a weird idea.

My logic is the funeral will be a hard day. Her birthday will be a hard day so why not combine them and raise a toast to her on her birthday.

What would you think of this? Please be kind as not sure if I am thinking straight at the minute. Thanks

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 23/10/2021 16:49

I would think it’s absolutely fine and a nice idea to raise a toast/celebrate the life on her birthday. If you and other close family are all in agreement choosing that date it absolutely won’t be an issue to anyone else.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 16:49

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. That must be so hard for you. Flowers

I wouldn't have it on the same day. Later on you'll remember her on her birthday - I think her funeral being on the same day would bring back bad memories. My dad died five years ago - I always remember him on his birthday and on the day he died, but actually I can't remember the date of the funeral. I don't think I'd want the day of the funeral linked to his birthday at all.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2021 16:49

I'm sorry about your mum Flowers

My only reservation is do you think this could make your dm's future birthdays harder for you?

WorriedGiraffe · 23/10/2021 16:54

I wouldn’t have it on the same day personally, I like to remember my mum being happy on her birthday, I don’t like thinking back to her funeral and I can’t remember what date it was on (because I’d rather not) and I think having it on her birthday may highlight it more for you in future years. My
Mum passed away 2 days before her birthday so her funeral must have only been a week or so after it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong or weird about it, and I really don’t mean to come across in an unpleasant way, im just giving my own opinion based on my own thoughts towards my mums birthday (we lost her 6 years ago). So sorry for your loss Flowers

bigbluebus · 23/10/2021 17:04

A friend recently had a similar dilemma over her dad's funeral. They opted not to have it on his birthday as they didn't want that to overshadow his birthday memories.

CalamariGames · 23/10/2021 17:09

If you were the closest to your mum you should decide, but I agree with pp that in future years you may want to remember your mum's birthdays as a mark of days she was happy and not be reminded so much of her funeral.

flapjackfairy · 23/10/2021 17:10

We did exactly this with my dad. The first date available for the funeral was my dads birthday and we reasoned that this would be a hard day anyway so why not go for it . It made sense not to have us all upset with a major milestone such as a birthday immediately before facing the day of the funeral. It worked well tbh and there was a kind of sense of his life coming full circle if that makes sense.

oviraptor21 · 23/10/2021 17:10
Flowers I think it would be nice. You're never going to remember her birthday again without recalling her passing and her funeral anyway. For me it would in some way refocus the sadness of a funeral on to the happiness of her life.
Magissa · 23/10/2021 17:10

I lost my mum 20 years ago. I honestly don't think it matters because regardless you will always miss her and I don't imagine that the memory of her birthday and funeral on the same day makes any difference to how you will feel. I always feel Mother's Day is the hardest day for me.
My dad died five days before his birthday last year during lockdown. His tiny lockdown funeral was not long after his birthday. I thought about him on the anniversary of his death and his birthday snd the funeral but I think about him every day anyway. Neither day is sadder than the other.

flapjackfairy · 23/10/2021 17:11

Oh and of course very sorry for your loss x

Magissa · 23/10/2021 17:11

I wanted to add that I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have some lovely memories to treasure Smile

gogohm · 23/10/2021 17:11

We did this for my grandmother, makes a lot of sense. She had a great life so it was a celebration of it rather than sad (though she had serious illness for years)

Echobelly · 23/10/2021 17:12

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't see any problem with it - memories will always be bitter sweet. Some people die on their birtthdays and it's something those left behind live with - I'm also not sure the day of the funeral is really that significant in memories in the longer run.

happytoday73 · 23/10/2021 17:16

I would also go with funeral on her birthday..same logic as you.... . I am so sorry for your loss

Redglitter · 23/10/2021 17:27

I would go for her birthday too. Totally agree with your logic. Sorry you're going through this

ftw163532 · 23/10/2021 17:33

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

My mum died near her birthday. The whole period felt very surreal and it was hard to imagine what the future would feel like. The prospect of dealing with anniversaries decades later was not on my radar at all then.

I am very glad we did not have the funeral on her birthday. The anniversaries would have been unbearable if I had been reliving her funeral too. The funeral was the moment her death became real and it was a very distressing day. It is good that I no longer remember the date it was on and can box it off away from the memories of her life. Her funeral is one of the last things I want to remember on her birthday each year.

I think it's the kind of thing that would be manageable at the time but would become distressing in future years. In my experience, you don't want the date of the funeral to be a memorable date in the calendar and you don't want it connected to happier memories.

Original poster
Charleymouse · 23/10/2021 17:34

Thank you so much for your thoughtful considered comments.

At the minute the funeral earliest date is the middle of the week. Her birthday is Monday/Friday being vague on purpose so would be a long weekend and might enable more family that live further away to travel for it.

I don't know myself what to do as this magic box that she has always referred to with all the relevant information I will ever need if anything happens to her can't be found.

I will consider all the points raised and then make a decision.

OP posts:
EmeraldDaisy · 23/10/2021 17:35

So sorry to hear your news Flowers

I lost my mum 6 weeks ago and what I've learned so far is that grief is so personal. She's your mum so do what feels right for you. I don't think it's what I would do, but I also don't think it's weird/wrong/inappropriate either so go with your instincts.

Unfortunately, what I've also learned is that losses often involve lots of delays with anything official, so be careful of setting your heart on that date.

Wishing you all the best.

EmeraldDaisy · 23/10/2021 17:36

Good luck with the magic box!

ftw163532 · 23/10/2021 17:37

My mum's death was quite traumatic though. That obviously influences my perspective.

Theunamedcat · 23/10/2021 17:38

I would because honestly you have so many good memories of her birthday they will overshadow the one bad one of her funeral

Brendabigbaps · 23/10/2021 17:40

I disagree with people who say it will make you remember the day.
My dad died 22 years ago. I don’t remember the date of the funeral, I distinctly remember every second of the day he died.
I think it would be a lovely tribute

I’m sorry for your loss

lydiarose · 23/10/2021 17:40

My brother died at the beginning of a month and his birthday was at the end of the same month. We decided to have his funeral on his birthday as a celebration of his life. It worked really well, everyone thought it was a great success. I would recommend it.
So sorry about your Mum. Hope all goes well, whenever you decide on.

DampSquidGames · 23/10/2021 17:41

I lost my DF last year and think I would have been ok with having his funeral on his birthday but as others have said grief is so personal.
I’m very sorry for your loss.

ftw163532 · 23/10/2021 17:41

You can only make the best decision you can at the time. Don't torment yourself trying to make a perfect decision - there isn't one.

Do what feels right for you and be kind to yourself about it.