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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My child had died and need advice for funeral

48 replies

Macey1988 · 11/10/2021 07:52

My son has passed away and I will need to arrange the funeral, I haven’t been in this position before and was wondering of any ideas I could do at his funeral ceremony to make it beautiful. I am completely out of ideas and my mind is blank. We are not religious but I don’t know if there’s anything we can do to make the place look and feel more warm on that day and make it easier for my other children. Thanks

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 11/10/2021 07:58

First of all, love and best wishes to you and your family. What a horrible situation for you to have to deal with.
I would suggest asking your other children (it sounds as if they are young) what they would like to do on the day
Ask his friends to talk about him
My son was asked to play his saxophone at the funeral of a friend
Include his favourite music even if it doesn’t seem appropriate to the occasion
My sister had balloons at her husband’s funeral - it made her feel better
I am sure other people will be able to recommend suitable poetry
Contact the Humanist Society if you really don’t want a religious ceremony
Speak to your funeral director as they will have lots of suggestions to help you

badlydrawnbear · 12/10/2021 08:11

I am so sorry for the loss of your DS.
Where are you having the funeral? How old are your DC?
I am arranging my DH's funeral and trying to make it as easy as possible for my primary school aged DC.
The funeral director advised on which was the nicest crematorium locally. We went for one with a big window looking out on to field rather than the more local one that resembled a church.
Contact charities, such as Winston's Wish and Child Bereavement UK for advice on how to help your DC and how to prepare them for the funeral. Explaining the entire concept of funerals and what will happen on the day was one of the hardest conversations I have had with DC, but we have had a lot of hard conversations over the last few weeks.
What did your DS like that you could include that would make the ceremony more meaningful to your other DC and everyone else attending?
The funeral celebrant might also be able to advise on this as well as the funeral director as they will have seen all kinds of funerals before and know what works and what can be done.

TumtumTree · 12/10/2021 08:17

Maybe each of your children could suggest something for the funeral? Like a song or a reading from a book.

I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

AwkwardPaws27 · 12/10/2021 08:44

I'm so sorry. No advice on the day itself, but do apply to the Child Funeral Fund if you haven't already x

notthemum · 12/10/2021 09:06

I am so sorry for your loss. ⚘
I went to a funeral a while ago (not a childs) outside while people were waiting to go in there was a bubble machine that blew them out all around us, it may seem strange but many of us felt that it was very calming.

LaBelleLaide2 · 12/10/2021 09:10

I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers

languagelover96 · 12/10/2021 09:13

First you are in my prayers. Involve your other kids in the funeral planning and preparation. Get his pals to do a song or make a speech, a short one about him as well. You could also read a passage from his favorite story book. Or a poem. Speak to a local funeral planner about your funeral options etc and take it from there. Include some of his favorite music too.

Colin56 · 12/10/2021 09:16

Hello
I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you at this hard time.
I have always found Mary Oliver poems to be very beautiful. My sons friend passed away from an accident recently and her mum asked everyone to wear yellow and bring a yellow flower to the service.
Big hugs.

Neonplant · 12/10/2021 09:20

So sorry for your loss. Sending love x

What did he like to do? What were his favourite things or colours. How old was he? Just this gives an idea of friends and life experiences etc.

I'd definitely say contact a humanist celebrant. They are excellent. If you Google ones in your area or the funeral home can put you in touch.

I can't imagine how hard this is.

Workinghardeveryday · 12/10/2021 09:26

I am so so very sorry for your loss xx.

Depending on the age, what about music they liked (theme tune to favourite programmes). Balloons are a great idea like pp said and the bubble machine is also a great idea.

Sending love and thinking of you xx

IHateCoronavirus · 12/10/2021 09:29

I’m so sorry for you loss. We also had balloons at DD’s ‘funeral’. A beautiful pearly iridescent white.

I don’t have the best relationship with my mum, so I asked for it just to be us and our remaining DCs. As odd as it sounds for us it was nice as we could focus on each other rather than anyone else.
We spent time with her at the funeral home, shared memories, celebrated her life etc, then went straight to the cemetery. It worked for us.
The funeral director asked the children if they wanted to screw the lid on the coffin, part of me recoiled at the idea but the children jumped at the chance. They also love going in the limo. As odd as it sounds the DC have really happy memories of the day.
I gave her half of a pendent that I wear the other half of so there is a physical symbol of a link.
I’m not sure if any of these things will work for you. You will find your own way. Grief is so different for us all. But sending you my genuine love, from one mother to another. Flowers

Babdoc · 12/10/2021 09:48

You could ask everyone to wear something in his favourite colour, rather than black at the funeral. Perhaps his football team’s colours?
The funeral can be a celebration of his life, not just grief at his death, and should include references to his hobbies and interests, likes and dislikes, favourite music and so on.
We had a primary school child die in our village, a couple of years ago, and practically the whole village came to the church or to line the streets, support the family and pay their respects.
I know nothing will take away your grief, OP, but I hope the love of your friends, family and neighbours will comfort you and get you through the day. Accept any and all help offered, you do not have to cope alone.
As a Christian, I believe that you and your child will be reunited one day in the loving presence of God.
I know you don’t share that belief, but I hope you don’t mind if I still put you in my prayers, and ask God to give you peace and comfort, and the strength to cope with your bereavement. Grief is not forever - but love is.

Chocolatecoatedkettlebell · 12/10/2021 09:51

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went to a funeral fairly recently in a woodland burial site. The whole service was deep in an accessible woodland area and after a young tree was planted. There were other young trees around us so you new it was a special place for many people, and it was clear that the area would develop into a very peaceful mature woodland.
I had never heard of it before having grown up Catholic but it really resonated with me.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 12/10/2021 09:52

I have no suggestions or advice but wanted to send my love. So sorry for your loss.

crackegg · 12/10/2021 10:02

I’m so sorry for your loss. Burying a child is heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could say to make the pain more bearable. But even when we don’t have words to make things better, I hope you can take comfort from the fact people are thinking of you and your beautiful child at this time.

We called the day ‘a celebration of life’. We put together a little video that was showed during the celebration service at the local crematorium (they weren’t cremated but could still use that venue as it had a beautiful setting). We picked songs that were happy and a recognition of their life as opposed to their loss. We spoke to a few celebrants/priests etc until we found one that fitted what we wanted- the celebration aspect.

MultiStorey · 12/10/2021 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParkheadParadise · 12/10/2021 11:09

We had a video played with pictures from birth until she died at my dd's funeral with you'll never walk alone as the music.
We also picked lots of pictures for the order of service.

Several of her friends wore Celtic FC tops my dd was a massive fan. She was buried with her Celtic scarf.

Unfortunately, nothing makes your child's funeral bearable IMO. All I remember are crowds of people. There were several hundred at dd's looking back I wish we would've had a private family one.

ClubSandwich · 12/10/2021 15:43

I’m so sorry for your loss. We buried our 1 year old in June. She was taken to the church by horse drawn carriage, and we chose wildflowers for her flowers. In the church, her uncle read a poem he had written specially about her, including all of our favourite memories, it was really special. My dad read out a letter to her, which he wrote the day she passed away. It was so difficult to listen to, but at the same time it was so personal which was comforting.
At the graveside, we did a butterfly release. Due to covid, we held a wake in our garden for family and close friends. There were around 50 people max, and I think that made it slightly less overwhelming for us. A few months afterwards, once covid restrictions were fully lifted, we held a celebration of life party for all our family and friends. For us, we wanted this to be a ‘happy’ day, which is why we chose to do it a few months after her funeral.
Losing her is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. Every day is a battle. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sending you so much love and strength x

ineedaholidayandwine · 12/10/2021 15:49

I have no suggestions but just wanted to say how sorry i am for all of you who have suffered through this, i cannot imagine what you've been through and i hope you and your families have/will fine peace.
My daughters friend passed away and he had a coffin decorated as his favourite comic book character, all his classmates lined up and blew bubbles and threw flowers at the hearse at it passed the park he played in, they had a celebration in his memory with some of his favourite things
All the best OP, my deepest condolences

MarshmallowSwede · 12/10/2021 16:08

I’m so sorry for your loss. Did he have a favourite song? You could play this at the funeral. Perhaps let the other chidlren put up some favourite drawings of his to display before the coffin?

I’m so sorry for you and your family. I don’t know really if my ideas sound ok as I’ve never been thru this. But I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Hesma · 12/10/2021 16:45

So sorry for your loss OP.
Could your DC draw a picture or write a message that could be placed in the coffin? Could you have a teddy made from his favourite clothes for them as a memory bear?

NatriumChloride · 12/10/2021 16:57

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP, and for everyone else on this thread who has had to bury their child - there are no words and I cannot begin to imagine how painful this must be. My love and prayers goes out to each and every one of you.

OP, I agree with others - focus on the day being a celebration of your DC’s life. How old was your DC? Did he/she support a football team or have a favourite colour? Maybe ask everyone to wear the colour to the funeral. Think of his/her favourite music or show - the song can be played in his/her memory. Ask around for photographs that others may have of your DC, creating a slideshow of them or a big memory board can bring lots of people together sharing happy memories.
Wishing you all the love and support in the world, OP.

Mmmmdanone · 12/10/2021 20:00

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this must be. Some lovely suggestions on here. Flowers

Jujujuly · 12/10/2021 20:02

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the other posters on this thread. No parent should have to go through this.

Misspacorabanne · 12/10/2021 20:03

I'm so sorry op for your loss!