My child had died and need advice for funeral

[Macey1988]

My son has passed away and I will need to arrange the funeral, I haven’t been in this position before and was wondering of any ideas I could do at his funeral ceremony to make it beautiful. I am completely out of ideas and my mind is blank. We are not religious but I don’t know if there’s anything we can do to make the place look and feel more warm on that day and make it easier for my other children. Thanks

Sorry for your loss OP

I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.

One thing you could think about is the coffin. I buried my mum in a wicker coffin last year and I loved how beautiful and natural it looked.

Another option is a cardboard coffin - I’ve heard of young people’s funerals where other kids and young people have decorated the coffin.

If the coffin is important to you, don’t let the funeral director walk you automatically into what’s in their brochure. They can order anything you like.

Im sorry for your loss. Ask the funeral director or friends and family for recommendations for a humanist person (I dont know if they have a special name) also if you do arrange for their friends or siblings to speak please make sure there is a nominated adult to get up in their place if they feel they cant. My son was asked to read at a friends funeral and he was so so anxious about not being able to do his reading but when we told him he just had to look at us and we would get up and take over it gave him the confidence to at least start and he did manage to finish with his Dad stood next to him.

My mum had a cardboard coffin. As pp says they can be decorated. The funeral director uses a special carrier, it’s all secure, One advantage of a woodland burial is you can revisit (we take mum a picnic). for you.

So sorry for your loss OP. How old was your child/other children? I would imagine for a child’s funeral although unbearably sad I’d want to avoid black and aim for colours, party type clothes and as positive a day as is possible. So heartbreaking, thinking of you.

So sorry for your loss.

A friend of mine lost her teenage daughter recently and they were able to find a local humanist celebrant who spent time with the family and close friends getting to know more depth about the deceased child and he helped them to construct a really wonderful and meaningful ceremony. There isn't a "right" way to do it and you aren't expected to know what you want. You are surrounded by loving people who know and understand that you are utterly devastated, they will help you to find a way through this.

So sorry for your loss

I am so sorry for your loss.

We had a cardboard coffin for my mum’s funeral. We had it sitting in our sitting room for about a week so that everyone could come over and write messages for her. My sil and best friend painted it with mums favourite flowers and my children put their handprints on the top.

When it was ready the undertakers collected it so they could get it ready themselves before the service. Mum died in an accident and we were not allowed to see her so being able to decorate her coffin that she would eventually be in was comforting in a way.

At the service we had the coffin just in front of the front row instead of behind the curtain on that huge pedestal so that it felt she was with us rather than separated…

Make the service as personal as you can, get others to talk about your son rather than just the celebrant.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to warn you that funerals can be incredibly expensive and there’s no need to spend out lots of money to show how much you love your child.
You could do things that are free or cheap before or after the funeral to make it extra special without the worry of the expense.

I too am sorry about your son.

I lost my son 4 years ago. I was numb and my other children chose the coffin because I could not bear to.
They chose the flowers too.
They chose the music

I wrote and read out the eulogy in Church. I will admit I had taken a half a sleeping tablet the doctor had prescribed to help me sleep.

It made me calm. I did not cry.
I read out the eulogy because I was his mother and I knew about him in a way nobody else did. He was my boy and of course - he still is, and he is here with me always, but there had to be something of me and him at the funeral. It gave me a purpose to write about him, and it gave me some comfort to tell people little things they did not know.

You have to look after yourself in any which way you can as it is the most difficult thing a mother can ever do - seeing your child in a box is not in the right order if you get me.

Take care and do what you think is right no matter what it is.

Some ideas from my DF’s funeral: Humanist celebrant, huge display of photos chronicalling his life at the ‘wake’, drive past his football club (Old Trafford in DF’s case), meaningful song playing as he went down to be cremated, WATCH the cremation if you have one: you have a legal right to do this and I found it helped with closure. Make your own keepsakes for the attendees with a favourite photo. The important thing is make it personal to him; there’s no right or wrongs if it is a celebration of his life. Don’t worry about having some humour! Get one of his friends to tell a story that summed him up completely (sorry, don’t know his age). Take donations for a charity related to the cause of his death. Get everyone to wear his favourite colour. Don’t worry about convention, make it all about him.

Children's funerals are not charged for so there should not be a cost for the funeral director, celebrant coffin, cemetery plot (not sure abour cremation but assume also free)

For my DD funeral (a baby) we had a civil ceremony including songs and readings we had chosen, we chose an outfit for her to be buried in along with other things given to her so she was wearing items given by different t relatives and a few things were buried with her including a letter I had written. If you think that would help then I recommend it. We wrote the wording for the headstone. Your children may be able to be involved in picking music, readings or selecting something to be put in the coffin.

Another thing we did was choose a cuddly toy for her and but two so that one was with her and we kept one. This is something your children could be involved with too - the could choose a toy and it could be something they can keep.

I have seen others met off balloons.

I can't think of anything else but those are some things we did.

Very sorry for your loss. Share with us as much as you'd like

So sorry to hear this .

So sorry for your loss. You will have plenty of time to plan the perfect funeral so allow yourself time to think.

I'm not sure where you are based but if you are London/Home Counties, I can highly recommend a funeral celebrant:
www.thecivilcelebrant.com/

Any celebrant will help you plan the perfect service but Alison is amazing.

to everyone else who has lost a child or loved one

I went to a young child's funeral and the parents read the child's favourite bedtime story at the end of ceremony. It was a very moving way of saying goodbye.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a difficult time.

We recently had a service and cremation with a private crematorium. It was so different to any others I've been to. It was beautiful, calm, tranquil. Set in beautiful quiet grounds with sunlight through the trees. There was no pressure to complete the service quickly. We had the rooms/ areas for 3 hours so we could spend time quietly before the service and afterwards. And all details were looked after by the crematorium including the flowers and casket and refreshments and all the fine details. The service was broadcast securely for those who couldn't attend,
Mourners were looked after by staff and the whole feel of the day was beautiful.

Surprisingly it wasn't expensive. I can't recommend this highly enough.

My thoughts are with you & your family op
I saw a program once were the family collected wild flowers & leaves & branches with berries & made their own wreathes they also had a branch like a small tree at the funeral with little labels so people could write on them with little messages (these you could keep afterwards) loosing a parent is hard but loosing your child - no words

@jellybeanteaparty that sounds beautiful

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Other people have mentioned cardboard coffins. I didn't they were an option before, but we chose one for DH, mostly because it is more ecological and fit in with his principles, but also our funeral director told me that DC could decorate it. Tomorrow I am takin them to do that. That might be something your DC would like to do for their brother. The artwork can be done at home and the funeral director will put it on the coffin or my funeral director is letting me bring DC to decorate it. Or, if you have a more traditional coffin, I imagine DC's pictures can still be attached somehow.

I’m so very sorry. We lost our little boy last month and felt much the same - I had only ever been to one funeral before (that was a catholic mass but we are not religious) and planning the funeral felt overwhelming.

The first thing to know is that your funeral director can help you as they are familiar with all the different options in your area.

We opted for a natural burial in a woodland as it is a lovely peaceful place to visit and we can plant a tree there. I realise that is not for everyone though.

We used a humanist celebrant (the funeral director arranged it). She came to our house and we showed her pictures and videos of our son and she sent us a draft script which we discussed with her and edited. It very much focused on all his achievements and how loved he was and all the happy times. We played twinkle twinkle little star during the service. He was buried with his favourite toy, a blanket his Aunty had made for him and a photo of us all together. We had a flower available for everyone who wanted to place in the grave to say goodbye.

For the funeral tea, we had large a collage poster made (on Etsy) with some of our favourite photos (displayed on a collapsible easel) and we also got a projector from Amazon and made a slideshow of photos and videos of him which we just played on repeat.

It was a very hard day but it was a beautiful service and that made it a little easier.

If your son was under 18 most of the costs will be met by the government (I understand thus is the case in England, Wales and Scotland though not sure about NI).

@Anordinarymum

I too am sorry about your son.

I lost my son 4 years ago. I was numb and my other children chose the coffin because I could not bear to.
They chose the flowers too.
They chose the music

I wrote and read out the eulogy in Church. I will admit I had taken a half a sleeping tablet the doctor had prescribed to help me sleep.

It made me calm. I did not cry.
I read out the eulogy because I was his mother and I knew about him in a way nobody else did. He was my boy and of course - he still is, and he is here with me always, but there had to be something of me and him at the funeral. It gave me a purpose to write about him, and it gave me some comfort to tell people little things they did not know.

You have to look after yourself in any which way you can as it is the most difficult thing a mother can ever do - seeing your child in a box is not in the right order if you get me.

Take care and do what you think is right no matter what it is.

Macey , my heart goes out to you . Ordinary mom , i can feel the strength of your love . My heart breaks for everyone , there is nothing worse than this .