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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My friend died I knew him only online

27 replies

Enko · 25/09/2021 09:37

I've never met him in real but he and another friend and I played a game together and we spoke daily. He died Wednesday I was told yesterday.

The weird thing is noone seems to get im upset as "he was just online" but we texted and WhatsApp Ed daily and I know about ao much stuff in hai life. His wife was adamant I and our other friend needed to know ASAP she knew how close the 3 of us were and would often what's us play together.

I'm so sad and yet people say bit you didn't really know him. But I feel I did. Thankfully his wife and brother did too and ensured we knew. He had a life limiting disease but we were not expecting him to go for a few years he and his wife only married in December...

OP posts:
ArblemarchTFruitbat · 25/09/2021 09:41

I'm sorry for your loss. Of course you will grieve for someone you talked to every day. Don't engage further with people who are trying to minimise your unhappiness - goodness knows why they think that would be helpful. I hope you and your other online friend can support each other.

Mantlemoose · 25/09/2021 09:42

Oh that's so sad. I think because you didn't know each other in person that's where the strongest bonds are. They probably were able to be their real self rather than having to keep a lid on what they said. I think its lovely his family thought the same. Something to take comfort in there. Take care OP.

Maria53 · 25/09/2021 09:47

In really sorry for your loss. I had an online friend for 7 years before we met in person. Those early years really cemented our friendship.

Just remember not to feel guilty or that what you are feeling isn't 'real' because he was an online friend. He was your friend and he died. You will need to grieve. You and your other friends will find solace in each other hopefully. Take care.

merryhouse · 25/09/2021 09:51

Oh I'm so sorry.

I had this way back in 1999 - it was a Usenet community we'd both only been part of for a few months but there was a genuine sense of loss in the whole group (which I suppose made it easier for us as individuals than it is for you). I can think of three more members who died in the following years (no doubt there were more) and we all felt their loss.

You are bereaved, and you are allowed to grieve.

Original poster
Enko · 25/09/2021 10:19

I've known him for 3 years and almost 2 of daily communication

Thank you

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/09/2021 10:29

People who don't do online friendships are never going to understand it, and it's not really reasonable to expect them to.

I'm sorry you've lost your friend, but I'm afraid it's pointless to expect sympathy from people who don't get it. It's outside many people's experience. I've lost several online friends of more than a decade. It's always very sad, but I recognise that it happened in my world, and not that of my friends and relatives.

MujeresLibres · 25/09/2021 11:01

Sorry for your loss. I'm just grappling with this from the other side. My mother has just died and I'm not sure I'll be able to log into her Facebook account to let her online friends know and her privacy settings were on so I can't see her friends list. Several of them were a great support to her as she coped with chronic illness.

Friendship has changed now and I think you can be just as much a 'real' friend even if you don't meet up in real life. I don't have many purely online friends, but several 'real' friends live quite a distance from me but we've been able to stay close thanks to technology. I hope you are able to remember the happy times you had together and find peace with your loss.

badlydrawnbear · 25/09/2021 16:06

My DH died last week. I set up an email account for people to email me stories and photos to share with our DC, as he had a lot of hobbies and knew a lot of people I don't know. I got messages on that and comments on the posts I put on his social media from people who 'only' knew him online including from online gaming communities, but were really upset. I totally appreciate that his online friends were his friends too and will miss online presence even if they never actually met him.

CaptainMyCaptain · 25/09/2021 16:08

I had a couple of friends in online groups who died and I was upset about it. I'm sorry for your loss.

ManifestingJoy · 25/09/2021 16:09

Ok, sorry to say it but brace yourself for a request to pay for the funeral.
It could happen. It won't, I hope. But just be aware.

Claphands · 25/09/2021 16:12

It’s not a competition, if you feel the loss of your friend that’s valid. My friend died on Tuesday and I knew him IRL but didn’t see him loads , maybe every 3 months but he is obviously very missed by people who saw him even less than me.

It’s no different to the death of a penpal for example.

OverByYer · 25/09/2021 16:16

I get it OP. I have lots of friends on Twitter who I speak to daily and have known for over 10 years. One of those died recently and I feel so sad about it but a bit daft for feeling so sad over it. But she was a good friend and it’s a real loos to me.

saraclara · 25/09/2021 16:24

@ManifestingJoy

Ok, sorry to say it but brace yourself for a request to pay for the funeral. It could happen. It won't, I hope. But just be aware.
Don't be ridiculous.
SequinsandStiIettos · 25/09/2021 16:26

Sorry for your loss OP: I hope you can take some consolation in the knowledge that his wife knew how much you and your friend meant to him. It is perfectly normal to feel grief for online companions. Hell, I still think of zombie Bof and catthiefkeith despite never having met them irl. I hope you and your other friend can still game at some point and think of him whilst doing so. Flowers

ManifestingJoy · 25/09/2021 16:27

@saraclara I'm not being ridiculous. From what the @Enko said, it doesn't sound inevitable being being made aware that an online friend you've never met has died (by his wife and his brother) ... how much of this is verified? What does the OP know for absolute certainty??? That he ever existed? That he had the life limiting disease? That the woman was his wife? All of this may be verified but it may not be as they met ONLINE and their friendship stayed online.
Calling me ridiculous is ridiculous.

SequinsandStiIettos · 25/09/2021 16:28

A name change to ManifestingCynicism is needed Wink

HereticFanjo · 25/09/2021 16:32

I understand OP Flowers Online friendships can be very close, partly because there's such frequent communication and partly because people really open up online. Allow yourself to grieve. Maybe write a letter saying what your friend meant to you, then burn it and release the ashes into water or into the wind. Light a candle and just let it burn away. Do what you need to do to recognise the loss and honour the friendship ❤

Original poster
Enko · 25/09/2021 19:06

@ManifestingJoy I appreciate you are coming from a place of concern.

However, I have no concerns about that happening as I know he had a prepaid funeral plan. Brother has promised to let me know when they know the date so we can send flowers if we wish. This will mean we will get the address of the funeral directors to send to. There has been no request for money only thing requested was we let them know if there was anything of his we would like for the game we all played.

As a caution though yes I would agree to be careful. In this case however I have no concerns

OP posts:
Original poster
Enko · 25/09/2021 19:14

thank you to everyone who understands. the 3rd part of our trio and I are in close contact and have cried together a few times today. at least we have each other to lean on.

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 25/09/2021 19:25

I totally understand how you feel and I’m so sorry you lost your friend . I’m sure there are a lot of us on here who felt similar when we heard that a MNetter had passed away, we never met but they shared bits of their lives with us and so we felt we knew them.
You feel how you feel and no one has a right to tell you otherwise. X

Original poster
Enko · 15/10/2021 07:27

I wanted to update.

Funeral has been and we sent flowers (via funeral directors) no request for money has been made and we have had contact to sag thank you for the flowers and that we are welcome to keep in contact if we wish.

So far neither me or other friend have done so. Dealing with our grief and wife with hers.

I am grateful wife knew us as his friends and acknowledged us as such. And slowly life goes on with a piece inside of me missing . But we don't want to be without that longing ever I think.. its what makes us human RIP Alex. You are missed

OP posts:
SandysMam · 15/10/2021 07:36

You sound like a lovely friend Op and if he was unwell for a long time, an online friend probably became the most important friend as mobility suffered etc so don’t underestimate your friendship! I think his wife sounds lovely too and maybe in time you can become friends with her.
Take care Flowers

MydogWillow · 15/10/2021 07:36

Sorry for your loss @Enko

You probably knew him better than some others. His wife and brother clearly appreciated how close you all were.

Vallmo47 · 15/10/2021 07:39

My best friends are online. I completely feel for you OP. I hope he had a lovely send off. Take care.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 15/10/2021 07:41

I'm sorry OP

I have several real friends I have never met in person

If you speak to someone every day of course you will miss them Flowers