Explaining cremation to children

[badlydrawnbear]

DH died suddenly last week. I have a thread about it, but this is a very specific question.
How on earth do you explain the concept of cremation to DC?
DC are 6 and 10, this is the first death they have experienced. We (DH’s parents and siblings) and I have decided on cremation. How do I explain that? Surely DC will not accept that it is reasonable to burn him. That doesn’t really make sense. He died in a very beautiful place in the Peak District after spending a day doing something he really enjoyed, and we may scatter the ashes there and/ or places he enjoyed.

Sorry for your loss OP. I've not been in this position but if I were I think I'd explain as follows

When we die we have two choices. Either our body is buried in a graveyard and it's a sad place or our body is burnt because we don't need ot anymore and the burnt bits can be scattered in a place I love and where my family can think about me happily when they visit. The burning doesn't hurt because I don't need my body anymore and the part that makes me, me is already in the place where you'll put the rest of me after.

I hope that's ok, I don't know how old your children are so I've written with a very young audience in mind but am aware it might be too literal. Giving all of you some unmumsnetty hugs ❤️

I think you’ve got to just honest.
The body isn’t dad. The bit that was dad has died / gone to heavens, whatever you believe.
His empty shell is left. His atoms will be liberated to the universe somehow to become parts of other lively things - plants , anti alcohol, stars , who knows.
That can either be by burial or cremating him to ashes that we can choose to place as tiny bits of his shell in a beautiful place that he lived and we can remember him in x

I don’t thing it’s any more horrible for a kid to think about it accept than the alternative of , as it’s says in on Ilkley moor “ the worms will come and eat thee up “.

Which ever way the real horrible dragging sadness is we we will never hold our deceased relatives hand or feel them hug us. That’s heartbreaking for all. I have my mums gloves. That’s so precious

I have no idea what “ anti alcohol “ auto correct is ignore it !

Oh, op, sorry to hear this. What a shock. You poor thing.

Regards the kids, I'm not sure if say burnt unless asked.

I agree with explaining there are 2 choices and then say we've chosen the one that makes daddy ashes. And then we can scatter those ashes anywhere we want. Explain that it can be a beautiful way to remember him.

I hope that helps.

So sorry for your loss OP sending love! I don't have any answers but I just saw your thread and couldn't just run. @kitkatsky that is a beautiful way to explain it ❤️

I’m so sorry OP and family for your loss. I like what kit has written but I’d perhaps say “turned into special dust” rather than burnt. Though my dc is younger so perhaps that’s colouring my view.

I'm sorry for you and your family's loss OP.

We lost a relative last year who was cremated and I did struggle explaining it to my DC aged 5 and 7 at the time. I was a bit emotional in defence and probably made it sound scarier than it actually was.

We had the advantage of being able to kind of skirt around it when the day came and focused on it being a ceremony to celebrate their life.

My nieces were 6 and 8 when my husband died (although they had sadly lost a grandad by then too). We never actually explained the cremation (burning) part, they just accepted that he was ‘turned into’ ashes so he could be ‘sprinkled’ (their words) somewhere nice.

@badlydrawnbear Im so sorry for your loss OP

Personally, I don’t think I would use the word ‘burnt’ at that age. I would explain that Daddy’s body will become ashes and we can scatter them in places that daddy loved. Maybe there’s a place that some could be buried that they can have some kind of a memorial to their dad? Whether that be a stone, a plaque, a bench or something?

I would be led by them and only go into detail if they ask. What happens to his remains may not have even entered their heads yet, especially the 6 year old's.

If they do prove to be curious I would perhaps frame it as the body being 'heated' rather than 'burned' and emphasise that this is what your DH would have wanted (and what many, many people choose all over the planet).

So deeply sorry for your loss OP

I have a similar aged child. We have just had a loss in the family and have explained to him what cremated means. He understands what happens but we have explained the person isn’t there any more and we can scatter their ashes somewhere special and remember them. He wasn’t scared about this and is a very sensitive child. I’m so sorry for your loss x

I agree with pp that the crucial message is that daddy doesn't need his body any more. It's not him and it's just a shell that will return to nature.

Once they're "comfortable" with the concept of disposal of the remains as something that's not happening to daddy, I think it's easier to explain about the options of cremation or burial and what you've chosen.

Personally I found the idea of burial hugely upsetting as a child, but I think (other than the terrible grief), it's the difficulty of separating the person whose gone from the fact of their body that's difficult and causes a lot of the issue (will it hurt? What if he wakes up? Will he be lonely?). Noone talked to me about death much so I was left with those questions.

My Nan died in December and her funeral was 4 weeks later.

I told my 9 year old daughter the truth about how her body would be stored and the cremation.

I didn't see the point in skirting around the issue.

My daughter was fine. She took it all in her stride.

Thank you for your help.
I think the next step needs to be making sure they understand that he doesn’t need his body anymore and that it came from nature and will be returned to nature. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Firstly I'm very sorry. Secondly I agree with KitKat a simple but honest approach works best, mine are older now but similar ages when I had to explain, they say now they are pleased I told the truth.
The only one thing I will say is scatter the ashes at different places that he loved, the volume of ashes overwhelmed me and my children, its the one thing no one told me about, it certainly wasn't like you see on TV.

I really struggled with this. My son was 4 when his little brother died. I found a useful resource (sorry not sure where) which talked about ‘a hot room’ and his body becoming ‘special dust which can go back into nature’. I found it unbearably painful to talk about so was avoidant for quite a while, and more recently we have used these ideas a little. He is now nearly 6.

I’m so sorry that you have lost your husband and your children have lost their dad.

We live on the edge of the Peak District and were watching the paragliders near Mam Tor at the weekend. I will think of your husband when we are out there again.

I'm so sorry. It's an awful situation to be in for you all.

Whatever you say will be the right thing for your children. You will get through this together.

Lots of good suggestions here but also to suggest Winston's Wish, they have a phonecall and email service that I'm sure could offer advice on this.

I'm just so sorry that you're in this position, so unthinkable. Take care.

Sorry for your loss.

We've had a much more "natural" death as my Grandmother died last week. It was a genuine "old age" death in her own bed with family around her.

We're a family who do cremate, and both of my DC (8 and 9) understand that we don't need our bodies when we die. I guess our conversations were slightly easier as we already visit the place that my Father's ashes were scattered, so it's not a completely new subject.

I realise that this is a completely different situation, but they've taken it in their stride and have both asked to attend the funeral.

'The body that dad left behind will go into a special room where it is turned into soft powdery ashes. We'll take the ashes and scatter them in where they'll become part of nature again.'

lolliespalooza I like your words, they are very helpful.

If anyone is reading this in the future to find an answer, I also found this useful

www.childbereavementuk.org/information-explaining-funerals

acquiescence I am not sure if I mentioned in either of my threads that DH had been in the Peak District paragliding though his death was not related to paragliding, but thank you for thinking of him when you see others.

My two children were older when DH died and was cremated so I didn’t have to explain that bit but I made sure that they had a say in where some of his ashes were spread. We still have some left and they have both said that they would like somewhere with a plaque so they could go and see him. It has taken us two years to get to this point so very much no hurry

I'm so sorry for your loss

So sorry OP 💐

The advice you have been given is good. My six year old was able to understand the cremation of a relative this year. Her cousin a year younger didn’t have a solid understanding of death and so it wasn’t explained but she didn’t ask either.

One thing I didn’t foresee when giving an explanation about no longer needing our bodies and the body being burnt, was that my six year old understood ‘body’ to mean ‘torso’. Which was an unpleasant misunderstanding.

We’ve had this conversation with our DD following the loss of three grandparents at different times. On 2 occasions she saw the grandparent in hospital and was told that they probably wouldn’t live ( so some forewarning). I appreciate it’s different with a parent and a sudden, unexpected death. I think I emphasised to DD then aged 8 that different cultures honour their dead in different ways. This is the way we honour our dead… we return them to the Earth or use flames. This is what “daddy” chose. We read special poems and prayers and remember the love we had for him. We did talk about Viking deaths because she had learned it at school and knew that they were sometimes set on fire on their boats they died. Other cultures have different methods we discussed. I tried to get away without being specific but she did ask where would granny be and what would happen to the body and so I tried to be as honest as I felt appropriate.