Explaining cremation to children

[badlydrawnbear]

DH died suddenly last week. I have a thread about it, but this is a very specific question.
How on earth do you explain the concept of cremation to DC?
DC are 6 and 10, this is the first death they have experienced. We (DH’s parents and siblings) and I have decided on cremation. How do I explain that? Surely DC will not accept that it is reasonable to burn him. That doesn’t really make sense. He died in a very beautiful place in the Peak District after spending a day doing something he really enjoyed, and we may scatter the ashes there and/ or places he enjoyed.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss x

@badlydrawnbear

So sorry to hear this

Are you religious as a family? We took advice from the local vicar and nanny went to be an angel

My children didn't hear of cremation/ burning just she'd gone to be an angel

Children are very accepting, my ds was 10 when his df was cremated and he was fine with that. We made a memory box which was good for him, I also got some of the ashes made into a Christmas decoration ( I thought it was a bit naff, at the time), this has been a great idea and his dad is now part of Christmas - star on tree. Children need the truth.

[quote myheartskippedabeat]@badlydrawnbear

So sorry to hear this

Are you religious as a family? We took advice from the local vicar and nanny went to be an angel

My children didn't hear of cremation/ burning just she'd gone to be an angel [/quote]
Are we a religious family? I am (was?) Catholic and DC and I attended Mass regularly before Covid. I am a nurse, and couldn’t reconcile what happened at work in Covid times with my faith. I have not been back to Mass since church reopened and am not sure I believe anymore even before this. I don’t believe in a literal Heaven and have never told DC about it (possibly because it never came up as we didn’t encounter death). I know DC1 doesn’t believe in Heaven, but maybe DC2 does. They go to Catholic school so have probably been told of it as fact. DH was strongly atheist, so the funeral will be led by a humanist celebrant with no religion. It would be easier if we believed in Heaven and believed that he is there and happy, and we could be comforted by that.

My husband died suddenly when my kids were 4 and 6. But my own father had died a few months earlier, and they had attended his cremation. I'm not sure I explained it so literally in my father's case. And I don't recall having to have any difficult discussions after the actual telling them that their father had died. I did tell them that we would take some ashes to our special holiday places, and I remember my son spilling some and stepping on the ashes and saying maybe he was stepping on daddy's toes! They seemed to understand and accept that this was their dads remains, and to scatter them in a place so he could be part of it forever, but they were very young and accepted what I told them without asking many questions.
My husband was a non believer so I didn't say anything about heaven, but I did say he'd always would be with us.

You could use the athiest Hindu explanation. That the body may look like Dad but it isn’t, and that you cremate it so it can go back into nature. My gran gave me a lovely explanation when I was a child about how we come stars after we die because the dust from our bodies slowly seeps out into the universe.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds clichéd but take your lead from your children. I'd ask them do they have any questions. Have some answers prepared in your head, they may have loads but they may also have none. I think children tend to only ask questions that they are ready to hear the answer to.
Also remember that if they ask something that throws you,you can just say "that's a really interesting question,I'm not sure how to answer it but im going to have a good think and come back with proper answer" Children will understand that and won't feel fobbed off but it also means you get a chance to think through your answer to be something you are comfortable and confident in saying.

If you think it might help in the future, then Did you know that a small part of ashes can be turned into a charm for a bracelet, pendant or ring? May be a comfort to them as they grow up, something special to wear on occasions they want their dad with them maybe?

Im so sorry for your loss you are doing amazing xx

I explained to my 4 year old that everything in the universe is made of the same matter. The stars, the trees, the animals, humans, everything. And that when somebody dies, we can bury or burn them to allow their body to break down into tiny parts that go back into the universe.

My brother died in his 40s earlier this year and was cremated. He had a condition that limited what he did, so me (his official next of kin) and his children and partner decided to scatter him in beautiful places he never got to see due to his condition. Some of him is with my parents, and some is in the Lakes, Peaks, the Northumbrian coastline so far. His children know that we couldn’t do this if he was buried, and seem to have accepted this fairly easily. We are catholic and they know his soul is up in heaven with other family members.

My slightly older children were shocked by how small the un containing their father's ashes was. Like posters above I had some of the ashes made into jewellery for both of them which they wore à lot/put under their pillow at night for the first 18 months or so.
I think the worst part for them was the moment in the funeral when the coffin is committed and slowly disappears. For them this was when it hit home he was never coming back.

My 10yo lost her grandad this month. We need to ask if she wants to go to funeral and I am very unsure because of this exact situation. She suffers from anxiety and I just cannot see her coping with the concept of cremation at the moment.