Traumatised by watching my mother die.

[Iamacatslave]

I watched my mother die on Tuesday, (she was end of life care) and I really do feel traumatised by the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be with her when she died, I just wasn’t prepared for how truly awful it was. My GP has kindly prescribed me a few days sleeping tablets as I haven’t slept since Monday. Any words of advice as to how I navigate my way through these dark days.

Oh lamacatslave, I am sorry for your loss. I was with my mum when she died last Thursday. It was horrific. Her death was not peaceful. Her face looked in pain and scared even after she died and she was gasping for breath and looked in distress. I will never forget what I saw. I will say though, that even though it's only been just over a week, I already feel less traumatised and can sleep better than in the first few days.

I also happen to be a psychologist and the main thing from a professional perspective, to help you get over the trauma, is not to push the memories away, but allow them to be there, don't be scared of them, and keep talking about it. Don't feel afraid to remember, and eventually the memories will fade on their own

Although my experience was horrendous, perhaps similar to yours, I am at least pleased I was with mum and able to talk to her and I hope, offer her some reassuring words as she passed. Now it's been a few days, I also am reflecting that I was privileged to have been present and had the opportunity to tell her I loved her.

Sending a big hug look after yourself

Ps. I wasn't prepared either. My mum had seen a lot of death in her work with the elderly and always told me death was peaceful. I expected it to be serene. But it was hell. I was very shaken by it all and will never forget it. People should talk more openly and honestly about the realities of death in order that more people are able to feel prepared...

That sounds awful for you @Iamacatslave
Please talk to someone about how your feeling.
You're probably still in shock.
Take care of yourself.

@RainAndGreyClouds

thank you for your words of comfort and advice.

Condolences to both you OP and to you RainAndGreyClouds

So sorry for your loss. I was with my dad when he died last year, and it was less peaceful than I’d expected- think it’s true that as a society we should talk about this more. Do talk it through with people if you can. And I hope that with time the trauma will fade for you. Look after yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like you I watched my mum die 3 weeks ago. She was also end of life, but it was not what I would call peaceful. I went to visit her in the funeral home, and although I still have images of her final moments she looked far more at peace in the funeral home. I know it's not for everyone but maybe something to think about. Be kind to yourself

So sorry for your loss op, I asked a grief psychologist this same question and her answer has given me a bit of comfort. She said that the level of conciseness the person has is vastly different to yours at the time, hospitals and care homes are trained to ensure a level of pain killer is in the body to mitigate the pain and the person wouldn’t have awareness of being in pain.
I had dreams for months seeing my dad gasping for breath, but knowing it effected him much less than me has helped me come to terms with it

Hi everyone I just wanna offer my sincere condolences to all those who recently lost a loved one, it's just utterly utterly heartbreaking. Your post actually just reduced me to a full on tears, tears of which I think were due to come out anyway. (They do periodically). It's been two years for me since I lost my mum. She lingered for several months following two severe strokes and we didn't really know when she was going to pass but I agree it is very traumatising watching and waiting someone at the end of their life - we had "the box" but in then end she passed in the night. I couldn't go to my mum and dad's house for a good while after because she died at home and was the family dining room.
If you can access some counselling maybe through your work or GP I would definitely recommend it, it really helped me as I felt like my head was spinning and I couldn't breathe. I wondered how I would ever feel myself again.
Of course I knew everyones circumstances are different but I totally get where you're coming from and I fully sympathise with how you are feeling. It will ease, it may take a while but it does ease. I can talk about her now without crumpling. It's definitely a different process for everyone's loss journey you've just gotta be good to yourself and lean on people and cry when you have to. Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry op. My experience of trauma is different but seeking a homeopath's expertise has been wonderful for me

It stays with you but gets less intense. My mum’s death was very sudden. We were able to be with her when she died but it was awful. I used to relive it often (usually when driving alone). I only managed to finally get the trauma “out” 15 years later in therapy. I wrote everything down before the session (which made me cry loads) then read it out in the session. As well as crying I was violently shaking. It was weird, it was like the trauma was physically leaving me. The pain and horror of the day will always be there but I am reconciled to it. I still cry when I think about it. My mum was in her 50s, in perfect health and had so much living to do.

I’m so sorry OP. As I say, the intensity goes but the pain is always there and I don’t want it to go as it if it goes it will feel like she has gone completely and I’m not ready for that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 12 weeks ago. Sadly I didn’t reach her in time snd arrived 15 minutes after she passed away.

I spent an hour with her, and like you I struggled to get the image of her lying on the hospital bed out of my mind. It didn’t look like her. I hated the way her mouth/jaw was hanging wide open and every time I closed my eyes for weeks, it was all I could see.

I agree with @RainAndGreyClouds though about not pushing this image away. We can’t unsee what we have seen and I think that by trying not to think about it, we are in danger of having to face this unresolved trauma at a later date.

There were nights when I didn’t sleep at all too. I actually don’t know how I functioned. Badly probably.

Please try and look after yourself. Try and find something that gives you some peace, even temporarily. I didn’t look after myself properly and it took its toll.

Thinking of you, I know how hard those early days are.

I was so distressed and spoke to a friend who promised me that I would never feel as bad as I did on those early days. She she was right. I promise you that it will get a little better over time.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I remember feeling exactly like that after my mum died last year and swearing that I would not allow my children with me when it's my time to go. Even though it was expected and was probably as peaceful as it could be it felt very shocking and traumatic.

The feeling definitely passed and the stark memories of the actual death will fade and blur.
It took me a week or two to stop feeling traumatised.

Wishing you all the best x

My DF had already died in hospital, tbh I do not think the nurses knew he had died until they found him dead. By the time I arrived in at the hospital some one hour later he was already turning yellow and his mouth was hanging open. I could not get that picture of him out of my mind for a very long time and oddly enough it was always in my head when I was driving alone in the car. I did not go to see him in the coffin, perhaps I should have as my last memory of him is in that hospital bed. It haunts me that he died alone and knowing that he was frightened.

Losing a parent is so hard, especially if the end is not peaceful. I was with my mother during her last few hours, and it was difficult to watch her struggle as her body finally gave up, but then she slipped into a deep sleep from which she never woke, and looked serene. I am thankful that my final image of her is of a woman who was finally at peace after her long struggle. Even so, my grief was overwhelming at times, and so I spent many hours online, searching for answers about life after death and watching videos where people spoke about near death experiences (NDEs). One thing that comforted me greatly is that there were many people who had suffered extreme injuries who later recounted how they were totally unaware of pain or discomfort, despite having gone through resuscitation and in some cases having had their chests or throats cut open to save them. They were out of their bodies, looking down on the medics trying to revive them, but felt detached from the experience. Also, there were other people who said they did not feel any pain or fear, despite losing limbs or having other gruesome injuries, and they had no recall of anything after the initial accident, until they woke up in hospital. Some of these people did not experience any type of NDE, but neither did they experience pain from their injuries - they were just unconscious on every level. So, all this gives hope that death could be a peaceful experience, even though it may not appear so at the time, for the onlooker.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and hope you manage to get some decent sleep soon.

OP, I'm so sorry you are struggling to deal with this. I still struggle sometimes almost 6 years on.
Be patient with yourself, it is very early days.
I think the first 2 weeks or so I cried myself to sleep.

I found that I sleep a lot better with the tv on. I bring my focus back to the sound of the tv rather than flashbacks consuming me. It took some effort to begin with, but it gradually got easier to bring my focus on to the tv.
I still can't sleep without the tv on without my mind trying to take me there.

I hope you find a way that works for you so you can get some rest soon

We're two years on from MIL's death and still struggling emotionally. A friend who is a vet told me that he would be struck off if he treated a dog the way our local hospital treated MIL. We tried so hard to protect her, but just met a wall of complete indifference. If I had not seen it with my own eyes I would not have believed it possible.

So yes, it can take time. In all fairness, we were offered a debrief afterwards, but by that stage DH was also in hospital (not the same one thankfully) and the time was not right.

I wish you well and I am sorry for your loss. Please don't be afraid to look for answers or seek reassurance.

Im currently going through this now, although i don't think she is end of life just yet she isn't far off (i have no idea) she has termianl cancer and in pallative care, she is just sleeping and deteriorating alot.. im petrified.

Im so sorry you has such a awful goodbye with your mum

I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐

I was with my Mum when she died, also of end of life care. I sat with her for 4 days and nights, and the end was very traumatic.

I struggled to get the image out of my head for a long time; I really didn't want that to be the last image I had of her.

In the days after her death I spent a lot of time going through photo albums with my daughter, making a new photo book, watching home videos, anything to put happier memories in my head. And it really did help.

It's been more than ten years, and it stays with you but it does lessen with time. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad , i left the hospital a few hours before he died but i was with him for hours before he went , i really thought i would see him the following day .
It was torture to see him breathing with such difficulty ,he was awake and lucid shortly before and my brother was with him when he went .
He has been gone 4 years and i miss him every day , i can't bare to think of his final weeks ,days ,it makes me go into a panic .
I have developed a method which works for me , i visualise him and my mom dancing with my aunt and uncle at my lovely cousins wedding, he had the best time at that wedding , he was a party animal and was in his element that day , i use the same picture in my mind each time .
I'm not sure if blocking out the bad thoughts with good memories is the right thing to do but it works for me.
I hope you find peace in time.

I was with my DM when she passed away 5 months ago. I don’t think about the details of her death all the time, but they still upset me when I think about it, I try and focus on the positives rather than the negatives (but that is my approach to life anyway).

I am very sorry for your loss. The pain is just overwhelming :( my mum died 21 years ago of breast cancer, it was so cruel. I was there when she took her last breath and it haunted me for years. It wasn't dignified, she did not fall asleep peacefuly. It was cruel and degrading. I went to see her in the Chapel of rest and it just shocked me. I don't know what I was expecting but I was scared for a long long time. I have a lovely photo of her that I prefer to remember her by. My dad has a few months to live as he has stomach cancer, i have been reliving my mums passing a lot recently terrified it's going to be the same.
Thankyou for posting, its probably not what you intended,but you have helped people talk about it who's loved ones did not pass peacefully. I had mentioned it in a previous post on here but was shot down. I hear you and I'm sorry you are going through this xx

So very sorry for your loss, Iamacatslave.

I came downstairs five years ago to find My DH dying on the floor, so different circumstances but horrendous, too.

I found I constantly replayed the pitiful scene in my head day after day for months and months, usually while driving to work. It was terrible, but inescapable. I would echo what RainAndGreyClouds said, don't avoid, because you can't. Having someone to talk to about it would no doubt help, and it is this lack I find so painful.

Many to you and to RainAndGreyClouds