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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my mum has died - should I ring my dad or give him space?

45 replies

geekgirl · 02/12/2007 09:59

My mum died on Friday morning after 10 months of suffering with ovarian cancer, at only 58 years old.

I have always spoken to her or my dad on the phone every day but now I just don't know what to say to my poor dad.
I feel so desperately sorry for him, on Friday he sounded all composed (we had been expecting her to go for a few weeks and she had suffered terribly at the end), but when I rang him yesterday afternoon he was in bed, he had obviously been crying for a long time and sounded exhausted and devastated.

We didn't talk for long, but I made sure to let him know that I am always there for him at the other end of the phone, day or night.

I don't know whether to ring him today - dh says that I absolutely must do - because I don't feel that I have anything helpful to say, I am so upset too and maybe he wants to be left in peace to cry?

I am so sad I have dreamt of her two nights in a row now, last night I had a really vivid dream that it was all a mistake and that she was actually getting better - I woke up thinking 'phew! that's ok then. ' only for realisation to hit me.

And I feel so so sorry for my poor father - he is due to retire in May. They had been looking forward to so many plans.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 02/12/2007 10:01

how for you all - i am very sorry for your loss

ring him if you want to - even if it is to say i am thinking about you. You can keep it short and sweet

do you live near him?

beansprout · 02/12/2007 10:01

I'm really sorry for your loss, I hope you are ok.

I would say ring him. If he can't talk he will tell you but I'm sure he will appreciate you calling.

ellceeell · 02/12/2007 10:02

So sorry to hear about your mum. When mine died three years ago I was like you, not sure whether to ring my dad or not. But I did, even though I wasn't sure what to say. A while after, he said it was a real comfort, so I'm glad I did, desite the awkwardness and odd silences.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 10:04

I'm so sorry Geekgirl

Is there any way you could go and stay, or him come to you for a bit? Seems wrong for him to be alone atm?

Camillathechicken · 02/12/2007 10:05

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, i really am. I think that a short call, just so he knows you are there will be enough.. sharing your grief might be helpful. if you ring him every day, don;t stop now, you need each other.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 02/12/2007 10:06

You must ring him.

When DH's Mum died I rang her husband every day for a year, he had good days and bad days. Some times all I needed to do was listen. Even now 7 years on he says that he will never forget it. He said he always knew that the phone was going to ring at least once that day. IYKWIM.

I am so sorry about your darling Mother.

scrummymummy1965 · 02/12/2007 10:07

Just want to say I am sorry - I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I am with RubySlippers on this one.

lucykate · 02/12/2007 10:07

oh geekgirl so sorry for you and your families loss

i would ring your dad today, even if it is only for a few minutes. if you've been ringing every day until now, keep that routine up, it's important to touch base with each other at times like this

LongMeg · 02/12/2007 10:09

I am so sorry for your loss - and for your father's.

I think you should call. You're his daughter; he won't need space from you.

You don't have to have anything helpful to say to him; in fact, you don't have to say anything at all. Just don't let him feel alone today - if you don't call he may feel that he's lost you, too.

Original poster

geekgirl · 02/12/2007 10:15

thanks all, I'll ring him then

unfortunately I can't go round - he lives in Germany and I'm in Yorkshire . I'm going next weekend for the funeral, and then he's coming to stay at ours for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Year.

This is so hard. I always thought it would get easier once she has gone because we wouldn't have to helplessly see her suffer any more, but it doesn't feel easier at all right now

OP posts:

Nemo2007 · 02/12/2007 10:17

agree would phone just to check he is ok and looking after himself.

krabbiepatty · 02/12/2007 10:17

So sorry for you and your dad geekgirl. You sound like you are being a great daughter to him. You poor things.

ellceeell · 02/12/2007 10:18

It is still very fresh and raw for you. It does get easier - over time - but sometimes it can get worse again. What happens is that you get better at coping with it all.

TwinklyfLightAttendant · 02/12/2007 10:18

Sorry It is great that he is coming to stay over Christmas. I am sure that will be very much what he needs.
What a horrid thing to happen, just before Christmas - or any time. Thoughts are with you x

SquonkaClaus · 02/12/2007 10:19

ring him.

If he is not ready to talk to anyone he won't answer.

If he is sitting there thinking "geekgirl will ring in a minute" and you don't ring, then that would be awful.

so sorry for your loss

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 02/12/2007 10:19

geekgirl I am so sorry. Have read some of your threads about your Mum.

Yes - ring your Dad. Every day. Just to say hi - am thinking of you.

wilbur · 02/12/2007 10:21

I'm so very sorry for your loss geekgirl, that's awful for you and your poor dad. I would call him, just to let him know you are there - it will be a comfort to him. When my mother died, I also wrote to my dad telling him what a great dad he was (at the time he kept saying "girls need their mother, like he felt he wasn't good enough ) and to tell us if we were fussing too much, or not doing enough. When he died, I found the letter I'd written in his personal files, so I think it must have been a comfort to him.

Take care of yourself. x

wilbur · 02/12/2007 10:24

Also, your dreams are totally understandable and normal - I think everyone who loses someone they love experiences something similar. They are exhausting though .

Beetroot · 02/12/2007 10:26

geekgirl - I am so sorry. YOu must be feeling terrible and in a daze. Losing a parent is something that takes along time to come to terms with - if ever - take care

Beetroot · 02/12/2007 10:26

geekgirl - I am so sorry. YOu must be feeling terrible and in a daze. Losing a parent is something that takes along time to come to terms with - if ever - take care

Beetroot · 02/12/2007 10:26

geekgirl - I am so sorry. YOu must be feeling terrible and in a daze. Losing a parent is something that takes along time to come to terms with - if ever - take care

Blu · 02/12/2007 10:28

Very sad, geekgirl - sorry you have lost your mum.

Call your dad and tell him about your dreams and your waking realisation - he is probably experiencing similiar things - you could share them - it might help make him feel less alone.

Some older people are funny about the phone...emergencies only - he may hold back from calling to avoid bothering you.

seeker · 02/12/2007 10:30

When my dad dies, I arranged with my mum that I would ring every day at a particular time. Sometimes she didn't answer - sometimes she wanted to talk, but she knew that there would be someone on the phone at that time every day. It worked for us.

Original poster

geekgirl · 02/12/2007 10:56

ok, I've rung him. he sounded terrible

says what keeps him going is the thought of seeing us at Christmas

I told him I'd call again later

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 02/12/2007 10:58

I'm so sorry to read this geekgirl

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