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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my mum has died - should I ring my dad or give him space?

45 replies

geekgirl · 02/12/2007 09:59

My mum died on Friday morning after 10 months of suffering with ovarian cancer, at only 58 years old.

I have always spoken to her or my dad on the phone every day but now I just don't know what to say to my poor dad.
I feel so desperately sorry for him, on Friday he sounded all composed (we had been expecting her to go for a few weeks and she had suffered terribly at the end), but when I rang him yesterday afternoon he was in bed, he had obviously been crying for a long time and sounded exhausted and devastated.

We didn't talk for long, but I made sure to let him know that I am always there for him at the other end of the phone, day or night.

I don't know whether to ring him today - dh says that I absolutely must do - because I don't feel that I have anything helpful to say, I am so upset too and maybe he wants to be left in peace to cry?

I am so sad I have dreamt of her two nights in a row now, last night I had a really vivid dream that it was all a mistake and that she was actually getting better - I woke up thinking 'phew! that's ok then. ' only for realisation to hit me.

And I feel so so sorry for my poor father - he is due to retire in May. They had been looking forward to so many plans.

OP posts:

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 02/12/2007 11:02

GeekGirl Use this link for mega cheap calls

4p a minute to Germany.

coldtits · 02/12/2007 11:10

geekgirl I'm so sorry for your loss

Earlybird · 02/12/2007 11:51

I'm so sorry for you and your dad.

I agree with what others have suggested - call him regularly - every day if possible. Definitely use one of the low cost calling plans so that expense doesn't get in the way. If you don't call, it could be easy for him to think that you're 'too busy' or 'don't care', which obviously isn't the case.

Do you know anyone who lives near your dad? If so, I'd be in touch periodically with them too. They can give you valuable information about how he's coping that might not come across during a phone conversation.

Does your dad have any local support - other family members, friends, church, etc?

WendyWeber · 02/12/2007 12:00

geekgirl, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I agree with the others that you ringing will help your dad get through the days, whatever is said or not said - just being there on the phone.

When your dad retires will he come to live in England?

WendyWeber · 02/12/2007 12:04

You probably have a cheap deal already but just in case, calls are only 1p a minute with 1899, which makes a huge difference if you want to stay on the line for a while.

I hope you are getting lots of hugs yourself

ib · 02/12/2007 12:04

So sorry for your loss, it's really hard losing a parent so young.

I would agree with those who said call him as often as possible, and maybe get his gc to talk to him?

I think as many reminders as possible of those of his loved ones who are still living would help right now.

It's hard to support family over the phone, I know (all my family are abroad), but parents always appreciate the calls, however short. Maybe also email him lots of new photos of the kids?

Original poster

geekgirl · 02/12/2007 13:54

thanks for the links to cheap calls - we're with Tiscali and get free calls to Germany (beat that! )

my dad doesn't really have that much local support - although his brother lives 30 minutes away so I think I'll ring him and ask him to pop round if possible. I don't think my dad is the kind of person who would ask for help (you know what men are like!).

Dh is being very supportive, as are several of my friends. Got a lovely card through the door a few minutes ago from a friend who lost her dad last year so knows the heartache.

OP posts:

jingleoooggs · 02/12/2007 14:08

thinking of you and I am sure your dad looks forward to you calling.

StarofBethleCam · 02/12/2007 14:12

So sorry to hear your news geekgirl, you mother was too young

Your father and you will be devastated as even though it was expected it will still hit extremely hard.

Its hard for you to know what to do for the best but one thing you cannot do wrong is to contact him as much as possible. He needs you now.

Sending lots of love and prayers

Cam xxxxxxxxxx

NoNameToday · 02/12/2007 14:22

Just to say how sorry I am that you have lost your mum, the fact you mention you concern for your dad's loss before yours says what a lovely person you are.

paulaplumpbottom · 02/12/2007 14:23

So sorry Geekgirl

hazygirl · 02/12/2007 16:36

geek girl i am sorry for the loss of your mum i am thinking of you so much ,i can associate with waking up and thinking it is a nightmare i did that for this for a while after our little man died it stops after a while,at the moment it is so hard for you the miles away must be heartbreaking ,im so sorryxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 02/12/2007 16:54

So sorry to hear about your mum geekgirl. You and your dad have got a tough time ahead of you, but if you face it together and support each other, it will be a little bit easier.
Am thinking of youxx

NAB3littlemonkeys · 02/12/2007 17:05

I am so sorry for your loss.

I do think you should ring your Dad. All you need to do is say hello. I am sure the conversation will flow. Or just be there to listen.

shoshaliteupthetree · 02/12/2007 17:24

Geek girl please ring him, my Mom died at 58 from Breast Cancer, like you my parents were making plans for retirement when my was diagnosed.

I phoned or saw my Dad everyday, at least once a day. I still do. You will need each other in the days and weeks to come.

my thoughts are with you both.

LedodgyChristmasjumper · 02/12/2007 17:28

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum GG. My mum also died of cancer aged 55 so I know what you are going through and I still wake up sometimes now 9 years later after a vivid dream and feel the loss all over again. Ring your dad even if it's just to listen to each other cry over the phone or to make small talk it will make a difference. Thinking of you.

Califrau · 02/12/2007 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitTiredNow · 02/12/2007 18:35

I am so sorry for your loss. I would ring - he may not show any signs he appreciates it, but I am sure it will mean the world to him.

Original poster

geekgirl · 03/12/2007 09:26

ah well, I rang him again last night and he was sooooo drunk . It just breaks my heart. I can completely understand him wanting to get comatose but still...
I asked my aunt (his sister) to ring him earlier in the day but she hadn't and also to ask my uncle to pop over some time this week. I wish there was more I could do.

I'm so sorry for all of you who have also lost your mums - and hazygirl (((((((hugs)))))) to you - I can't even imagine your pain

OP posts:

minouminou · 07/12/2007 22:59

how's he doing?
hope you're keeping up with the calls, as they'll be a real source of comfort to him and will add some structure to these first formless days and weeks as everything sinks in.
How're you doing?

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