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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH angry after his dads death and taking it out on me

36 replies

flingingmelon · 27/07/2021 19:46

We lost DFIL last month and it's only been a couple of weeks since the funeral, so everything is still very raw.

DH has never been good with emotion - very old fashioned. Our marriage hasn't been fantastic for a few years now and I knew when this happened it was going to be tough.

Currently he's really angry and he's taking it all out on me. I'm being shouted at for the littlest thing, we swing between sulking and shouting. If I leave the room he follows me to keep going. I've tried everything I can think of to appease him but it isn't working, if I apologise for the thing I've 'done' I'm a liar, or passive aggressive. If I stand up for myself I'm poisonous. If I try to explain how hard the anger is for me I'm a martyr. It starts as soon as he gets up and goes on all day. I'm WFH and Our DS is here atm too.

He's also been drinking whisky every night, which best case puts him in an argumentative mood. I can usually hide upstairs.

He has a couple of close friends and siblings but he absolutely hates talking about feelings, so I very much doubt he's talking to them. They aren't close either.

He's always been like this, but usually in cycles. Now it's constant. I know it's very early days for him in this but I don't know how I'm going to cope with it. He insists he's not upset, he thinks grief counselling is 'a con'.

He wanted a divorce last year, mid lock down. Again he was really angry all the time. We have a primary age son who is having to live through this too, although DH isn't as angry at him. I'm worried how it's going to affect DS medium and long term.

In my heart of hearts I want to leave, this is just the latest chapter in a long downward decline. But how can I go now? I don't love him, I feel sorry for him.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make any of this any easier?

OP posts:

Whinginadeville · 27/07/2021 19:52

No help to offer as I went through the same with my dh he was vile after his Dad sadly died. I tried, I really tried but anger is the only emotional tool in his box. We got through it but it was, eventually the worst fight of our married life, and he really thought I'd had enough and strangely things have been far better. My dh really needs therapy imo. We now discuss his immediate anger response and he really trys to be better. Its a sad time and I tried to be understanding but he really just wanted to row so he could be justifiably outraged rather than so very very sad all the time.

Original poster

flingingmelon · 27/07/2021 19:53

I'm sorry, this makes me sound so selfish. I miss FIL too and I feel
So badly for DH. I lost my father so I know what it can be. But I need to find a strategy to take on all this anger.

OP posts:

Original poster

flingingmelon · 27/07/2021 19:56

Thanks @Whinginadeville (great name). Needing a justification for the anger sounds right, there's always a specific transgression.

What do you mean when you say you discuss his immediate anger? What does that look like? Sorry - if you don't mind.

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 27/07/2021 19:59

You seem to believe that you have no choice but to be an emotional punch bag?

Notaroadrunner · 27/07/2021 20:00

I'd leave or tell him to leave. He was horrible before his father's death, he's worse now. He said he wanted a divorce. So what's stopping you from telling him to fuck right off? He doesn't want your help. He doesn't even want to be with you. For the sake of your self respect and sanity you are better off without him. And your Ds is most certainly better off without all the shouting, and him witnessing the way your Dh treats you.

Whinginadeville · 27/07/2021 20:00

I tried various strategies;reasoning, sympathy, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness but eventually told him to fuck off and sort his own shit out. He was doing up a rental property and I told him to go live in it, he didn't but we didn't speak for 3 weeks and it nearly broke him I actually felt better it was quite liberating. We have grown up dc and I own the house we live in which helped tbf. I love him but I finally realised that doesn't mean I have to take crap from him because he can't handle his emotions. Neither do you.

Whinginadeville · 27/07/2021 20:05

With regards to the anger response I now point it out and try and get him to acknowledge the real emotion he's masking. It's taken a lot of breakthroughs to get here though and I can't imagine putting up with this with a child as well

CandyLeBonBon · 27/07/2021 20:05

Grief is not an excuse to be abusive op.

It's entirely possibly to be utterly grief stricken snd still treat people with a little respect.

He's using his grief as a weapon.

I'm afraid, if you are feeling as bad about him as you say you do (ie it's not just a passing feeling) that you make arrangements for you and ds to stay elsewhere for a while out of pure self preservation. It doesn't matter what you say to your dh, he'll find a way to beat you over the head with it. Id be telling him that you're giving him done space and are happy to talk and be supportive but the minute he starts with the emotional abuse you get up and walk away, out of the house. Every single time.

It would be different if this was new behaviour, but it's not. This is who he is.

Notonthestairs · 27/07/2021 20:06

Does he have any relations he can move in with? What are your finances like?

Neither you nor your son should have to put up with how he's behaving. Bereavement isn't an excuse to abuse your family.

Obviously he needs therapy for the long running anger issues and bereavement - but it's not your job to fix him. He has to work it out for himself.

MajesticWhine · 27/07/2021 20:09

It doesn't sound like you have a great future together. I would cut someone some slack who was going through a bereavement, but this is not a new thing, he has been like this before.
You don't have to put up with this. But I guess you feel like this is not the right time to leave.

He really does need to talk to someone. But if he won't then for your own peace of mind just give him as much space as you can. Don't engage with his petty complaints and just ignore. The things he picks a fight over are irrelevant. Think about an escape plan such as friends or family you and DS can go to if things get worse. Or suggest that he goes away somewhere for a while or to stay with a family member.

pjani · 27/07/2021 20:13

Can you get some therapy for yourself? Take your son and visit a family member for a few weeks?

This is likely to be one of the worst periods of your husband’s life. I would try and stick it out a short while longer in case it improves, while getting some support for yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 20:13

Stop allowing your child to live in an absolute war zone with an abusive, emotionally violent drunk man. Put your child first. Kick him out, call the police if you need to.

Notaroadrunner · 27/07/2021 20:18

@pjani

Can you get some therapy for yourself? Take your son and visit a family member for a few weeks?

This is likely to be one of the worst periods of your husband’s life. I would try and stick it out a short while longer in case it improves, while getting some support for yourself.

Did you miss the bit where she said he's always been like this and wants a divorce? He's not going to miraculously change now so she shouldn't put up with him a moment longer. He needs to leave.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/07/2021 20:21

Grief is no excuse to treat you like that , I wouldn't let the fact his dad has died stop you from leaving or you kicking him out . He was abusive before , your son shouldn't be living like this.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2021 20:23

I think I'd say as was said above - "Grief isn't an excuse to be abusive" and then to take him up on his offer of a divorce. In fact, snatch his hand off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2021 20:24

No. Just no.

Your taking this nonsense from him is hurting you but it's also not helping his grieve. Someone leaves the house for the duration and you file for divorce as soon as possible.

Interestingly exDH and I broke up as his mother died. We treated each other with decency during that time because were decent. It's perfectly possible to behave as a support without putting up with this.

Chunkymonkey123 · 27/07/2021 20:24

I think you can feel sorry for your DH and tell him that you are here to support him while refusing to be his emotional punch bag. This is also really unhealthy for your DS to see.
I would suggest a trial separation to give you both a chance to work through your emotions.
Are you worried about how it would look to others to leave right now? They are not in your marriage and you can leave whenever you want for whatever reason.

Roselilly36 · 27/07/2021 20:35

Anger is part of the cycle of grief. And unfortunately many take anger out on the person they love the most. Doesn’t make it easier for the receiver I know.

When my DH’s dad died he was very depressed, and was drinking too. He considered ending our relationship, not because he didn’t love me, but he just couldn’t face going through the turmoil & grief again if I should die.

You know your DH the best, is there anything that could help him? Perhaps counselling? Has he seen his GP?

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Good luck

Fourmagpies · 27/07/2021 20:47

I know everyone's experience of grief is different, but my DFIL died suddenly a few weeks ago, a few short months after I lost my DM. We've had a shit year, DH and I weren't getting on well prior to lockdown though things improved a lot last year. DH doesn't talk about his emotions either and tends to bottle things up. But it tends to come out in a one off explosion, he'll stomp around a bit, blame everyone else for whatever is bugging him and then go off in a massive sulk. It doesn't happen often and certainly isn't a daily occurrence. From what you've said it sounds like this isn't unusual behaviour for your DH and I wouldn't feel guilty in walking away. Yes, it's a difficult time and anger is a stage of grief but he has no excuse on taking it out on you constantly. And it's not fair on your child. I would give him an ultimatum, he gets help for his anger or he leaves. Or just ask him to leave anyway if you don't think there is a future. My DSs are a bit older, 11 and 14, and are so switched on, they know when DH is being a twat, fortunately it's a fairly rare occurrence.

gamerchick · 27/07/2021 20:51

Your poor kid OP, stuck watching all of this and not being able to escape it.

Do what's right for him. It's not fair.

Tal45 · 27/07/2021 20:51

If you can't leave for yourself then leave for your son, he shouldn't grow up thinking this is how men behave and that it's ok because you put up with it. You're not selfish, he's abusive.

Flossatops · 27/07/2021 21:08

You can't continue to live like this and neither can your son, although it sounds like your DH could. Don't stay out of pity - it won't help or change the situation. Take charge before more damage is done - you'll be relieved once you do.

Original poster

flingingmelon · 27/07/2021 21:17

I don't think any of you have said anything I don't know. But when I hear it from so many people it confirms that I'm not being unreasonable and none of us deserve to live like this.

I need to wait for the next period of relative calm and make clear that it can't go on.

Thanks so much everyone.

Also as this is the bereavement board I understand that a lot of you may be going through a hard time with your own grief, whether you've mentioned it or not. So extremely un-mumsnetty hugs to you all.

OP posts:

PepperPepperMan · 27/07/2021 22:48

Anger is a part of the process. That said, it must not be seen as an excuse. You might benefit from seeing a counsellor yourself to give you tools to manage in the short term for you and your son.

Personally, I would wait for a cold time after an anger outburst and outline what you understand, what you are willing to put up with whilst he grieves and what the consequence will be if it happens again.

You have the added tool that he asked for divorce before, give that card back to him when he is calm after the next out burst - it's his get out of jail card because his time is up. He can either seek help, sort himself out or ship out because your son deserves better and you won't let him, or you go through anymore of this.

I also agree with calling him out on his behaviour as it is happening, as long as you feel safe to do so.

FAQs · 27/07/2021 22:53

But he was like this before his father died ?

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