DH angry after his dads death and taking it out on me

[flingingmelon]

We lost DFIL last month and it's only been a couple of weeks since the funeral, so everything is still very raw.

DH has never been good with emotion - very old fashioned. Our marriage hasn't been fantastic for a few years now and I knew when this happened it was going to be tough.

Currently he's really angry and he's taking it all out on me. I'm being shouted at for the littlest thing, we swing between sulking and shouting. If I leave the room he follows me to keep going. I've tried everything I can think of to appease him but it isn't working, if I apologise for the thing I've 'done' I'm a liar, or passive aggressive. If I stand up for myself I'm poisonous. If I try to explain how hard the anger is for me I'm a martyr. It starts as soon as he gets up and goes on all day. I'm WFH and Our DS is here atm too.

He's also been drinking whisky every night, which best case puts him in an argumentative mood. I can usually hide upstairs.

He has a couple of close friends and siblings but he absolutely hates talking about feelings, so I very much doubt he's talking to them. They aren't close either.

He's always been like this, but usually in cycles. Now it's constant. I know it's very early days for him in this but I don't know how I'm going to cope with it. He insists he's not upset, he thinks grief counselling is 'a con'.

He wanted a divorce last year, mid lock down. Again he was really angry all the time. We have a primary age son who is having to live through this too, although DH isn't as angry at him. I'm worried how it's going to affect DS medium and long term.

In my heart of hearts I want to leave, this is just the latest chapter in a long downward decline. But how can I go now? I don't love him, I feel sorry for him.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make any of this any easier?

@FAQs

But he was like this before his father died ?

The op states clearly that he was.

@Aquamarine1029 exactly! Many are saying it might be down to grief, so back at you with your passive aggressive tarting.

You need to protect your child and leave. It's very damaging for him to live in these circumstances.

Saying you will wait for the next 'calm' cycle is just procrastination. There's no easy time to do it which is why many women stay in abusive relationships forever.

Get a solicitor and find out what you need to start divorce proceedings.

You need to get yourself and your child away from this toxic situation. It is sad your FIL passed away but that does not justify your H’s verbal abuse of you and your child.

Start taking steps to getting divorced. You really don’t need to discuss it with your H. It will no doubt open the door for him to abuse you some more.

@FAQs

But he was like this before his father died ?

OP literally says 'He's always been like this'.

@WallaceinAnderland I know! Lord, many posters have clearly missed that in their responses ....

Thanks All,

Been able to get quite a lot of documentation together over the last few days and have some solicitors to speak to next week

I have been hesitating but I grew up in this environment and it hit me that my teenage self would be disgusted at my lack of spine.

I can't tell you how much the unity of opinion on this thread has helped.

It sounds like you've reached the end of your empathy, OP.

And rightly so, by the sound of it.

No one has the right to use you as their emotional punchbag, no matter what they're going through.

Good luck melon it sounds like you're making the right decision. It won't be easy but worth it in the end.

I’m a child whose parents stayed together for the sake of the children and believe me it’s not the best solution. My parents could see that later on (they did actually stay together even after we both left home at 18) that they did the wrong thing. Best of luck with the logistics of it all, really not easy but you’ve made the right choice

I had the most wonderful lovely FIL who died suddenly and tragically. It was a heavy blow to the family, we still miss him every day. My DH takes after his lovely father and although he suffered terribly was a king in his efforts to protect his family through this dreadful loss. My point being, a dick will behave like a dick under pressure, a decent human being will discover depths of love and decency. Your DH has shown you which he is.