Frustrated at hearing “he’s always with you”

[Pinkchocolate]

I’m four months into grieving my beloved dad. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m finding it incredibly hard and I’m crippled by the loss to my entire life. I know people mean well but when people tell me “he’s always with me” I want to scream. I can’t hold his hand or stroke his face or feel his hugs so him being “with me” yet I can’t touch or feel him doesn’t help, it’s just nails home the fact that he will never be physically with me again. I used to see him most days preCovid, I saw him less last year because of my job and him being vulnerable but we FaceTimed every day and every other day I would take my kids to the kerb while parents spoke from their window. At the start of the year he was admitted into hospital and after a long stay (again we spoke multiple times a day) and he came home to die. He’s not with me anymore, he’s gone and he always will be.

I get you...what I found helpful after the initial year had passed was realising that my Dad was sort of with me in the way he's built who I am...whenever I say a certain saying or enjoy a film he introduced me to, then I feel some comfort.

Like @FortunesFave - a few years on now and o realise it’s true. I see things he used to find funny and it makes me smile too and for a second it’s like he’s here. I ask myself what he’d do in difficult situations and realise I know what he’d suggest, and it gives comfort.

I felt like that when people said sorry for your loss... it wasn't a loss, I didn't just lose my keys, or an item, it was my parents! It's a horrible horrible time to go through.

People are just trying to be kind. It's hard to know what to say to the bereaved because we are not an homogenous mass. And some people do get comfort from death is nothing at all, I'm just in the next room type sentiments.

I don't but when I've posted on here about the death of a parent being part of the circle of life, people have taken issue with that whereas I take a lot of comfort in it.

Thank you for the replies and sorry for your losses
@FortunesFave and @HandforthParishCouncilClerk maybe it’s a matter of time then, maybe it’s just too soon for me to understand this, I hope I get to that point because all I feel at the moment is sadness and a great big empty hole where he isn’t anymore.

@Hotpinkangel19 it really is and maybe we all get irritated by these little things.
@ChristmasShearwater people are absolutely just trying to be kind and I appreciate the kindness, I just can’t stand the phrase when I’m feeling this way. Personally I love the idea of the circle of life and my darling dad would always tell us that death is “just a part of life” so I guess everyone copes differently and different things hit a nerve with some of us.

15 years on from the death of my dm, and she is always with me. I’m the early stages of grief l hated being told this.

But l think about her everyday and ask myself how she would have reacted to different things.

Grief and death of parents is just horrible.

I still miss my dad and he died 16 years ago. He was a lovely man and I know how that loss feels. On the way home in a train carriage the tears fell copiously and there was nothing I could do about it and people were looking at me. However, my dad has been with me in so many ways. In conversations with family and friends I find myself constantly saying “my dad always said ….”. He definitely moulded my thinking and personality. The biggest compliments I have had have been when people have said “you are so like your dad”. So yes I miss both my parents desperately but they are always with me.

I’m so sorry. I lost my dad two years ago and it is still painful, though much easier to bear now.
I don’t believe in any god or heaven so the still with you thing has no meaning to me. What does help is that occasionally I dream of him and we talk about things, just like we used to. It’s lovely to have those ‘conversations’ even if it is just my brain processing stuff whilst I sleep.

It's possibly a timing thing - we're 6 years past losing Dmum, miss her so much and think about her every day, and actually do feel she's hanging about sometimes which is incredibly comforting. It's now possible to think about her without being thrown back into grief and remember happy and funny things which override the memories of her dying.

Grief can definitely do weird things - I remember seeing a cloud formation, that looked exactly like DMum's face, a day or so after she died. I have never told anyone in case I appear to have completely lost my marbles.!

What I hated the most after my dad died (6 years last month) is when people told me he was 'in a better place now.'No, no. For my dad there was no better place than with his family, whether that was sat round the dining table with kids and grandkids, on holiday, doing a bbq in the garden, or just hanging out watching telly together. He didn't have a long drawn out illness that might have warranted that kind of statement, he was just here one minute doing normal dad stuff, and gone the next. I hated propel saying it and I was quite prickly when they did, despite knowing they were just trying to be kind.

It's taken a while to realise that he's everywhere I look, he's in my son's eyes, he's in my daughter's compassion for others, he's in my sense of humour and musical taste, he's in every funny family anecdote and he's on the clifftop when we holiday at his favourite spot.

Physically they leave, but they're never really gone while someone remembers them.

I'm not going to say your mum is always with you, or that it gets easier with time, I'm just going to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through now

I agree, and I hate being told 'they'll always be with you'. Because they won't. Your memories will always be with you, and in time this horrible, raw grief will lessen and you'll find yourself smiling when something reminds you of your loved one. The grief never leaves you, but it can lessen enough for you to look back fondly at the memories.

But to say 'they're always with you' is bollocks when you're just aching to touch that person, or talk to them, and you can't .. because they're not there, and never will be again.

It's very hard to know what to say and I think people come out with platitudes and cliches because they want to comfort you in some way. I've been guilty of telling grieving people to hold onto their lovely memories and then winced a bit at how clumsy it sounds.

I think it's worth acknowledging your stages of grief- anger is quite a normal emotion.

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad x

I think we are all different.

I am also four months on from the death of my Dad and it is very difficult. It just hits you at times, often when you least expect it. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it.

People are trying to be kind and to help, but because we all deal with things so differently it is impossible to always get it right.

I am currently watching the Tokyo Olympics (Rugby 7s) and finding it unexpectedly poignant as I am thinking how he, as a former sports teacher, Rugby player and athlete in his youth would have been glued to it. I almost feel that he actually is watching it with us.

I do feel that he is with me and I find it comforting really. I know we have lost him, but I still like to think that he is not completely gone. And he isn't.

You are dealing with it in your own way, and you feel differently. That is fine too, but it is hard for other people to know what to do or say. They want to acknowledge you and what has happened, not ignore it.

So sorry OP it’s so hard, I know. People mean well. Try to ignore the comments.

Perhaps it feels like people are minimising your grief by saying this?

As in, no need to be upset, he's always with you in a glib way? I'm sure that's not their intention. I wouldn't feel bad that you're irritated by it or "want to scream" I think your emotions are very painful and raw at the moment.

OP sorry you are going through this
this is more of a general comment- PPs have said that people mean well and want to comfort you, and different people have been hurt or angered by different things that people have said, presumably with good intentions. But I just wish people would think a little more about the people they are speaking to. Telling an atheist 'he's not really gone and you will meet again' or a young widow 'I know how you feel, my mum died recently'- these things just emphasise the very harshness of the loss and are no comfort at all.

I suppose what I mean is, 'people mean well'.....bt they don't mean very well, or they'd think more

I've lost both my parents and my DH , and he'd this kind of thing said to me on all three occasions and as PP say while people mean well it can be very hurtful because as you say that person is no longer with you , you cant ask that question and get a wise ( or daft ) answer or get a hug in the only way they hugged you.

But in time your heart break will ease and you will be able to think what would Dad of done / said now

The hardest part for me still is when I discover a new place / food / film / music etc that I know one of them would of liked , I want to be able to share it with them and show them what I have found .
That still hurts like hell sometimes .

As hard as it is to accept what people say when they are trying to be kind , put yourself in there position , what would you say to someone ?

A good friend of mine came unannounced to my house ( which I was not at all happy about ) she made me a brew , gave me a bar of chocolate put some quiet music on and sat there saying absolutely nothing for about half a hour until I finally broke down and cried my eyes out she still said very little but after a while she helped me remember the good times and the daft antics my DH got up to . .
This all happened four years ago and it still makes me cry ( as i am doing now ) she said exactly the right thing , nothing at all .

Thank you so much for the replies, it’s comforting to read that maybe this is all normal. It’s true no one knows what to say and I guess there is no “right thing for everyone”.
To be honest I’ve actually thought back and realised that I could have done more with some friends when they lost their parent, you don’t understand the pain of grief until it’s someone really close.
@StillWeRise this is also true and I’ve actually cut a couple of people off because their insensitivity has been ridiculous. I had some “friends” sending me messages about Covid being a hoax while my dad was battling it in hospital and they continued after I expressed how disrespectful it was to be sending them to me with what was going on.
@AlCalavicci that sounds like my sort of friend.
I’m so sorry you’ve all suffered so much pain 😭

One of the greatest burdens the bereaved bear is struggling with their anguish. And then having to be the bigger person time after time in the face of well-meant comfort. Jesus.

Personal faves:
a sibling of mine died after a long illness.
Git: They're better off out of it.
Me: That's for me to say, not you.

Me: DH has died.
Git: You're kidding!!
Me:

I don't buy the what would you say: anyone can google what not to say.

The phrase that did me in in was RIP. The funeral person for my DH's send-off was told to keep off the God stuff. It crept in, and after a reference to RIP was run past me, I lost it. The idea that his was some unquiet spirit, seeking rest affronted me; he did nothing but good. Apart from anything else, we believed that when you're dead, you're dead. I have never used this expression since, it struck such a chord.

Lost in my egocentrism, I forgot your point, Pinkchocolate.

He's always with you sort of glosses over the fact that he manifestly isn't. He's dead. Saying, I hope happy memories will comfort you would be nearer the truth.

Many

It is very hard to know what might help with a bereaved person, because what is right to say to one might not be for another - and there is no way we can be inside the bereaved person's mind and know how they might react.

I would rather that someone spoke to me (even if it was words that I would not have chosen or do not believe) than walk by and say nothing. As long as the motive is sound and kindness is there, I can forgive lots of things.

My OH died last year and the gap in my life is beyond immense. But I am not troubled with the "but he is always with you" ideas, because my interpretation of that is not that he is hanging on a cloud somewhere watching my every move, but that our long partnership means that he is, in a very real sense, part of me and always will be. All that we shared is part of my memory and my mindset and that will be with me till I die. And he lives on in our children, who share some personality traits and physical similarities.

I am sorry that you are grieving and hope that you can see peoples' comments as kindly meant - that is a plus in a world where people ignore you or do not invite you to things when you become a lone woman in a world wedded to coupledom.

Lovely post Mischance

A good friend of mine came unannounced to my house ( which I was not at all happy about ) she made me a brew , gave me a bar of chocolate put some quiet music on and sat there saying absolutely nothing for about half a hour until I finally broke down and cried my eyes out she still said very little but after a while she helped me remember the good times and the daft antics my DH got up to . .
This all happened four years ago and it still makes me cry ( as i am doing now ) she said exactly the right thing , nothing at all .

Thats just me cry. Saying nothing at all is the best way sometimes isn't.

I get 'stay strong' all the bloody time. No I'm falling apart you bloody idiot, my dh has just died.

My mum earlier wondering why was i was so quiet said oh are you still down? Ffs.

My dh died 3 weeks ago

Hes always with you doesn't bother me so much as dh said it to me just before he died and I do take some comfort from that. But oh I ache so much for him, I feel sick at the thought of never seeing him again.

The phrase that did me in in was RIP. The funeral person for my DH's send-off was told to keep off the God stuff. It crept in, and after a reference to RIP was run past me, I lost it. The idea that his was some unquiet spirit, seeking rest affronted me; he did nothing but good. Apart from anything else, we believed that when you're dead, you're dead. I have never used this expression since, it struck such a chord.

echt, you reminded me of my DFs funeral. To be fair DF and DM were both very religious (I am not and neither are my children) - the minister of their church (who had failed to come to DFs bedside as he was dying) saw fit to use the funeral service as a prosletysing opportunity. I didn't mind the religious content that was bound to happen but it was really relentless. And I thought some respect and compassion for the daughter and grandchildren of the deceased would have been nice. And my DM told him how grateful she was that I (daughter of the deceased) had been 'allowed' to speak at his funeral.