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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Frustrated at hearing “he’s always with you”

41 replies

Pinkchocolate · 26/07/2021 23:52

I’m four months into grieving my beloved dad. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m finding it incredibly hard and I’m crippled by the loss to my entire life. I know people mean well but when people tell me “he’s always with me” I want to scream. I can’t hold his hand or stroke his face or feel his hugs so him being “with me” yet I can’t touch or feel him doesn’t help, it’s just nails home the fact that he will never be physically with me again. I used to see him most days preCovid, I saw him less last year because of my job and him being vulnerable but we FaceTimed every day and every other day I would take my kids to the kerb while parents spoke from their window. At the start of the year he was admitted into hospital and after a long stay (again we spoke multiple times a day) and he came home to die. He’s not with me anymore, he’s gone and he always will be.

OP posts:

lollipoprainbow · 28/07/2021 18:35

I lost my lovely sister five years ago she's not always with me but I will carry her in my heart forever.

Mischance · 28/07/2021 20:25

blackheartsgirl - a good friend indeed. I am glad she was there for you.

I share the sense of it being unimaginable that I will not see him again.

DuesToTheDirt · 28/07/2021 20:36

I get that you're upset, but honestly, people don't know what to say when someone has died. A lot of bereaved people complain about lack of contact from friends and family, but much of it is fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Vallmo47 · 28/07/2021 20:59

I’m sorry OP. I’ve been on both sides of this horrible fence, and I’m sure so have most others. Words are just words, they don’t help, they can’t fix things. I lost my mum 14 years ago and people now even say things like ‘Oh I’m sorry she’s passed, but so long ago, you’re over that now’. OVER it? I will never be OVER it.

But like others have said - people do mean well. You really are damned if you try and damned if you say nothing. I know from being the comforter that you really have NO idea what to do. You don’t feel comfortable saying the wrong thing, you don’t feel right smiling at something they share… it’s just all a terrible tragedy. Death is so FINAL. I’m not religious and I do envy religious people. They truly believe they will meet again. I envy that more than words can say.

Thinking of you.
You will never get over this loss, but you will learn how to cope over time. There will be good minutes, then hours, followed by good days eventually.
That’s the honest truth. But I can now FINALLY enjoy some pleasure in our beautiful memories. I had to avoid those thoughts for such a long time because I’d just fall apart.

You do you.

Ilikeviognier · 01/08/2021 23:06

I’m 10 years plus on from the death of both parents and If I’m honest, all of that crap about them always being with you still doesn’t comfort me; so I guess it depends on your views. And I feel zero comfort from the “death is nothing at all - I’m in the next room” poem; as I never felt that way - it was like a brush off to me.

It’s so hard:

Original poster

Pinkchocolate · 01/08/2021 23:45

@StillWeRise I’d have been really annoyed in your position too. It’s such a personal thing and I wish people would be respectful.

@DuesToTheDirt you’re right on that and I’m truly grateful for the friends that have reached out.

@Vallmo47 thank you for your kindness. I think you’re right that it’s not something you get over and no one can say the right thing because quite honestly EVERYTHING is upsetting me. I’m still so angry at the world and the injustice of him not being here.
@Ilikeviognier yes! That makes me want to scream too! I’m sorry it’s still hard ten years on. Thank you for understanding. I’ve never known pain like this and it’s knocked the wind out of me.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 02/08/2021 04:19

@Pinkchocolate Things will get easier with time because that’s what time does… but absolutely, you will never get over it and people should never tell you that. Just take it one hour at a time for now and bite your tongue A LOT. Genuinely people are trying their best to be there for you, let them.

TreeSmuggler · 02/08/2021 04:49

It's difficult because there is no "right" thing to say. No words can undo what has happened.

I don't blame you for getting annoyed but I think we do have to step back a little and consider whether the person is being kind but in a way that didn't connect with you personally or was clumsy, or whether they were being weird and rude. I would consider "he will always be with you" in the first category, along with "sorry for your loss".

Sometimes we can take our anger at the whole situation out on these people, when they have nothing to do with it really.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/08/2021 05:12

It's hard op but eventually one comes tonterms with things. My dad died 20 years ago this August (which is unbelievable). In many ways the longer he has been gone the more I can think he is with me. All the little moments of "oh what would dad have thought". Both DC graduating and wishing he was there. Seeing the twinkle of his eye in DS's young man's eye.

But you know he is always with me. Half my genes are his and his ashes will come with me when I go because that's what he wanted (long story). 20 years ago they were in the wardrobe, five years later they came out and onto the dressing table, and quickly thereafter to the sideboard and for the last ten years we have put a hat on the urn at Christmas.

Love you dad. Always did, always will.

justwondering21 · 03/08/2021 21:23

I absolutely feel this too.
I lost my Dad last year and my Mum this year.
My heart aches for them.
I don't eBay the memories, I want them hear with us.
I so snag to phone them and tell them everything that's been happening.
My Dad would of loved all the excitement with the euros.
I sometimes phone their house just so I see "Mum Home" on my list of calls.
I do feel I've lost them because I don't know where they are.

justwondering21 · 03/08/2021 21:24

Ha ha not sure I'd get much on eBay for the memories!

MindyStClaire · 03/08/2021 22:52

I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in any kind of afterlife but it's a sentiment I really do find comforting. My best friend died 12 years ago, and she is always with me, because of course she is. I carry her around with me in the form of memories thoughts and emotions, and she made me who I am today. As did her illness and death - I find not much upsets me, because what's a work problem, say, in comparison to a 23 year old dying of cancer? I would be different if I'd never known her, or lost her, and so she is indeed always with me.

I think that's even more true of our parents who shape so much of who we are.

I think @TreeSmuggler's post is a good one, people are genuinely trying to empathise, and may well be passing on a sentiment that's helped them when they've been bereaved.

saraclara · 03/08/2021 23:01

I would rather that someone spoke to me (even if it was words that I would not have chosen or do not believe) than walk by and say nothing. As long as the motive is sound and kindness is there, I can forgive lots of things.

Yes. If I run through all the platitudes that people offer (and it's understandable that they offer them because none of us knows what to say) every single one of them can be taken badly. What comforts one person, another finds irritating or insensitive. And yes, the only alternative is to avoid bereaved people altogether out of fear that one will say the wrong thing.

When my DH died, I knew that everyone in my life was sad for me. Some of them said the things that I found comforting, some of them said the things that other people would find comforting. But more importantly, they all tried.

whatisforteamum · 01/09/2021 00:03

Personally I did feel that my dh was with me 4 yrs ago and do sometimes now.
I feel that he was my backbone and sounding board for so long that I take comfort in thinking wwdd.
I think people are trying to be kind and your grief is still too raw.
Sorry for your loss OP.

CoopersHawke · 01/09/2021 16:45

Human beings are so much more than their physical bodies. My darling mum has departed this life and yet I still have memory of her smile and the sound of her voice, the knowledge of all the things she taught me, physical reminders in the things she made for me, good feelings when I reminisce about good times we spent together… and all her traits that I have inherited.
Yes her physical body is gone but the good she did on this earth remains and she really is with me every day.

Galgogirl · 01/09/2021 19:27

I get your frustration with saying 'they're always with you'. I always think - but they're not, are they! It's a nice thought but you can't talk to them or hug them.

If someone said to me that they felt their loved one was always with them, and it comforted them, I would agree with them. But I don't find it a comfort myself and so I don't say it to others.

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