has anyone lost a brother or sister as a child ?

[MerryAnnSinglemas]

Have any others lost their brother or sister when they were a child ? Did you grieve ?
I ask because my brother died when I was 13 and he was 10 - I was reading somewhere the other day about Winston's Wish and the way children can be helped to deal with the death of a parent (also Mummy Diaries which I didn't get to see) - and this has made me think that when my brother died I didn't really deal with it at the time (didn't go to funeral/was desperate to get back to normal/didn't want anyone at school to know).

yes, good point - my grandma had lost brothers/parents and presumably friends in the war/ husband and of course her own grandchild. I can remember going with my dad to tell her that her son ( my dad's twin) had died unexpectedly and I did feel her grief but she was a very stiff upper lip kind of person and wouldn't betray her inner feelings openly. I've no doubt that she felt it all but couldn't let it out.

Swedes- at what you posted re. that particular comment.

Fio-Fio - no, my brother had a very rare blood clotting disorder that was only discovered 6 months before he died. He was a good looking, fit and lively 24 year old brother, so to see him become ill and die in 6 months is still hard to believe, (after 13 years!). For a long time after I wouldn't have been surprised to see him walk back through the door and say it had all been some sick joke!

What I have realised, after seeing how differently my mum and dad have dealt with it, is that we all deal with death in our own way. You cannot make somebody, "let it all out" or talk about it, we deal with it however best we can. I know I have certainly been strong for my parents and not wanted to burden them, although I have found this difficult if I have had health worries myself, I feel more worried for them than for myself as I know what it would do to them if anything happened to me.

As for Swede's mil saying, "but that was a month ago", replace this with 10 years ago maybe, but 1 month ago - how ridiculously heartless!

I am pleased this thead was started actually - it is not something you talk about much in Real Life, is it?

Perhaps the older generation feel that if they had given way to their grief they would have wasted their life crying? Old men who served in the war hardly ever talk about their experiences do they? I can forgive the older generation's stoicism but it annoys the hell out of me when they save three peas and a third of a fishfinger and put it in my fridge.

ggg, so glad to hear that you able to be strong for your other children. Someone I know in RL lost a child a few years ago and has been unable to keep going in the same way - I feel desperately sorry for her other children who now seem to have lost their mother (or the mother she used to be) as well as a sibling

i saw this thread eariler today, but have only just had time to post on it. i lost my brother when i was 12 and he was 17. it was in an accident at our familys car breakers yard, where me and my dad and dh all work now.
i was away on a shcool trip at the time and remember having someone meet me off the bus who souldnt have been there and walking me home.
i ma actually shaking wile writing this as i have never really sopken about it to anyone. apart from dealing with tears within the family, we dont talk about it and think they would be mad at me even now for sahring with other people.
i agree about never knowing how to answer when asked about having brothers and sisters. it always gets me tounge tied and go bright red as i dont know what to say.
and he will always be mt big brother, even though he was 17 and i am now 27.
i dont think i did greive properly and you want to appear normal for your parents, but it has has a massive impact on my life. i do think i would be a less bitter person now if he hadnt of died.
dont get me wrong, im not a nasty bitter person, but i do have the opinion of 'look after your own and sod everyone else' kind of thing.
as long as my family are ok, nothing else really matters.
i havent read all of he posts but feel a bit better for unloading a bit of how i feel.
i would never have started a thread like this as i dont like drwaing attention to myself and i am not good with words.
not sure what else to say as there is loads inside me but just cant get it all out.

lizandlulu - that was very brave of you and I'm glad you felt you could say what you have on mumsnet. The being met off the bus bit made me remember being met by my dad who had come to tell me about my brother - it was unusual -I remember exactly where we were on the road home when he told me and the exact words. I hadn't thought much about the being normal for the sake of your parents, but that is so true. Thanks for sharing your story

I hope that posting about it might help you in some way, lizandlulu. What a very sad story that is.

This thread is amazing. Can I please ask your opinions, based on your experiences, on the pros and cons of dealing with a sibling death from the pov of the parents? It's been on my mind for a while but where can one find a body of experience?

My middle child died last year. Our instinct, which we have actively pursued, is to make sure that our other children don't suffer any more than they already have - so we haven't fallen apart or sunk into crippling depression, and the practicalities of everyday life go on as normal. We are one of the families bridie3 describes - out and about, talking about our daughter etc. We talk about her daily and she remains a part of our lives, we talk with dd1 about feeling sad etc and that it is ok to be sad. Dd1 is coping amazingly, she is only just 5, and ds is a baby but is thriving and very happy.

Sometimes, however, I worry that we are being too normal, perhaps we don't show our sadness enough to dd1, even though we speak about it. Yet the alternative seems too cruel, to be in tears, to not provide a happy stable environment nor to do normal family activities. We certainly don't want her to feel responsible for propping us up, but perhaps an element of this may be inevitable?

I'm rambling - I become so inarticulate when I try to explain due to many conflicting emotions. Any feedback, advice or warnings (!) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks

zeebee - I think it sounds as though you are doing exactly the right thing - really - the balance sounds about right - you talk about your middle child and keep their memory alive and acknowledge that they lived and they died but you also carry on living too. I really think that is the best way. Am so sorry too for your loss and thank you for posting

Thanks MaryAnn. Very sad to hear about your loss too and all those on this thread. I'm glad some of you still had happy childhoods. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and allowing me to crash in. It's been a valuable insight. Dealing with this sometimes feels like a minefield and you never know if or when it may blow up.

MaryAnn, with regard to your early comment about control etc, I think once you have experienced the dark side of the unpredictable nature of life feeling a degree of this is inevitable. It is hard to feel truly safe and reassured again as we know these things really do happen.

yes, you are right zeebee - most of my life is spent desperately trying to be in control of everything and to keep things safe - it's exhausting - and yes, I never fell really safe and secure.

Oh MaryAnn . There are no answers or solutions are there?

I guess not - this thread has been helpful though and made me think of things - probably quite cathartic to get it out - thanks everyone for contributing too.

I've just found this website - looks interesting
tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk/

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My brother died on Sunday, he had been ill for the past nine years with MS but even though we were expecting it, it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. My parents are obviously in pieces, my sister in law is holding it together at the moemnt but the funeral is next Monday and that will be so hard

My brother also died when I was 13. I too wanted to get back to normal asap. I even refused to miss school the morning after we had found out. My way of grieving was to pretend it never happened. I didn't cry for almost a week and when I did cry it was because it was the friday evening and I knew i didn't have school to get me through the weekend. the thing i find most awkward is when meeting new people and one of the questions people often ask is about your siblings. i always just say i have a sister cos i don't want to go into all about my brother with someone i hardly know.

i also feel incredibly sad that my db will never meet ds, and will never have a family of his own. i am still in occasional touch with a few of his friends and it is incredibly hard seeing that they have grown up etc.

i was offered counselling but didn't want it. the best counselling is talking about it with people who knew your sibling - not strangers imo.

My brother also died young, aged just 23. He died from epilepsy. A condition called Sudden unexpected death in epilepsy (SUDEP). It is more common than many realise and I wish I had known about this before he died. I had no idea you could even die in epilepsy. It is coming up for ten years since he died and I still get a flip in my stomach when I think about him. I also get flashbacks when I was told he was dead, which still haunts me.

Sometimes I do get upset when I see others fighting with their siblings. Even though I used to fight with mine, I still wish I could do it again

I have a slightly different take on this, i lost my oldest son in 1994 at birth and went on to have a second son in 1996 who is deaf with learning difficulties, he often asks about his big brother and its hard for me as i had only two hours with my first ds. He would have been a great big brother to my ds i know!

bucksmum - glad you have found this...maybe it might help to talk on here ? will be thinking of you on Monday.
nappyaddict - so much of what you've said echoes how it was for me
brightonlass

My brother died when I was 14 - he was just 6. My father's house burnt down and he was trapped inside - he and my gran died (my gran was babysitting, the rest of us were out). It still kills me to know that he had managed to run through a smoke filled house only to get to a locked back door and couldn't get out - and asphyxiated. For years I imagined his terror and it still is an absolute wrench - particularly as I now have two little boys of my own.

I never went to the funeral and still feel guilty about it - but at the time just couldn't deal with it. My mother who was a complete mess (understandably) used to yell at my sisters and I because we didn't cry about him. But we'd all been told to be strong for our mum's sake - so we just cried on our own. It messed us up as a family for years but we're all very close now.

We still celebrate him every year on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death by raising a little flag on a children's play fort that was erected at his pre-school in his honour.

JoshandJamie - that is a heartbreaking story - I'm so sorry
and lottie, just saw your post - that's so true, the what might have been part - it seems to be a common theme on this thread