has anyone lost a brother or sister as a child ?

[MerryAnnSinglemas]

Have any others lost their brother or sister when they were a child ? Did you grieve ?
I ask because my brother died when I was 13 and he was 10 - I was reading somewhere the other day about Winston's Wish and the way children can be helped to deal with the death of a parent (also Mummy Diaries which I didn't get to see) - and this has made me think that when my brother died I didn't really deal with it at the time (didn't go to funeral/was desperate to get back to normal/didn't want anyone at school to know).

Do you think it was just how death was dealt with then? (Sweeping it under the carpet, lack of counselling, etc)

I'm asking because I've had particular issues with my parents (won't go into the ins and outs now) and have been wondering for some time if it was something in my personality or something that happened that I couldn't remember...

I then started to think one day about how my grandmother had died when I was 4. She had lived with us since I was a baby so obviously I must have been close to her... like others have posted, I don't think anyone ever sat down and talked to me about my feelings after she died. Not saying it was as bad as losing a sibling or parent but still... and I wonder if that was the start of my "issues" with my parents... which again I have been thinking about a lot more since I had children myself...

I had twin boys at the end of 1981 and very sadly one of the twins died at 7 months due to congenital heart problems. We went on to have another boy in 1984. He was killed when a lorry reversed over him in 1992. My 'survivor' is Danny - he's now 26. Not sure if I could get him to come on the site but I am sure I could answer any questions for him - we have talked for hundreds and hundreds of hours about bereavement. Would be glad to help anyone in this awful predicamentxxxx

Sorry for adding my message again - I am useless on a computer! Thank you for your message Greensleaves. Would probably take a few weeks to tell the whole story. BUT I have been lucky to have all the boys - blessed at the age of 41 with my last lad! Also Danny and his lovely partner are going to make me a first time gran in June. Life is good - just hard to understand some timesxxx

Oh, that is lovely!!! I wish you all the joy in the world with your new grandchildxx

grapefruitmoon - think that many of our problems with issues when we are older stems from childhood events. Dan still gets a touch of separation anxiety - if I go out of one room he follows me - but thats ok with me. My youngest (10) has none of the fears Dan has but he never knew the other brothers??? Dan is already very emotional about the baby - em is 18 wks. Probably afraid of everything?

Shabster, I think it's normal to be anxious/emotional about a baby anyway (especially your first) but must be even more so for your son under the circumstances...

Message withdrawn

(btw the article i linked to has an organisation in it which helps bereaved siblings)

Thanks for that bundle - I will have a look

Yes he was fio.

Silly things pop into my head when I think about it all. Like when I used to set the table for our tea and have to quickly sneak away the fourth knife and fork before my mum noticed. My ds wanted to watch Watership Down at Christmas, but I couldn't let him because Bright Eyes makes me sob - it was out as a single about that time. Oh, and I can't listen to I Don't Like Mondays either - he was killed on a Monday.

It all seems really stupid when I see it written down.

Oh yes, and my ds is his spitting image too. It's hard to look at him sometimes.

It isn't remotely stupid. Don't dismiss your feelings as stupid.

I know what you mean about the triggers (songs, particular days etc). I've always thought of my loss as being much less, because he was so young and because he wasn't my "real" brother - but I still have a few of those triggers.

fio i think i posted it on here before, you're right it rings very true with me and I haven't lost a sibling.

one of my cousins died recently, aged 50, and his parents and sisters are absolutely shattered. it doesn't matter what age you lose a child, it must be absolutely awful.

my condolences to everyone on this thread who's suffered a loss, wishing you strength to take each day as it comes.

and fio - if I was closer to you I'd buy you a bottle of cava (but we'd have to share it )
x

No Greensleeves, your loss is no less, especially hard for you to come home from holiday and just find all traces of him gone.

Scotia - i understood all about the knife and fork thing! Dan is a typical first born people pleaser and the loss of his brothers heightened this even more. He bought his own house about three years ago but after he moved out he had to see a psyciatrist because we didnt talk as much and he needed someone to off load on. The psyciatrist made him physically say goodbye to his brothers and he cried like a baby for weeks. He (and Tom) are just the greatest joy to me because we are all survivors

I'm so glad this thread has been picked up on again...I'm going to read through now...

shabster - I am so sorry about the loss of your boys - (and congratulations on soon becoming a grandma !)
What Fio said about the person staying the same age for ever is true - if I think of my brother I see him as he was then,before he was ill...there are a lot of similarities with my ds too. I think I mentioned earlier that ds is same age now as db was when he died - I feel relieved in a way that ds has got to and past the age,which is probably a bit morbid, but it did bother me. Songs remind me of him - I found 2 of his favourites on iTunes which make me think of him - daren't play them to my mum though.

meant to add that the thing about missing him having his own family is very sad too - what could have been.

My mum went on to have another child almost straight away and had another son. He was very obviously favoured and wrapped in cotton wool. My sister and i used to really resent it and i vaguely remember my dad trying to explain why but we were to young to understand. Even now, although she had another 2 sons after him he is still the golden child. It could have caused alot of bitterness between us siblings but it never did so maybe deep down we felt the same as my mum.

My sister was killed in a car accident when she was 18 and I was 11. There was another sister between us in age, who kindly pushed/jollied our parents along for the next couple of years. We were all incredibly similar, so having the two of us around was most likely a contstant reminder that there should have been three sisters

Actually, the worst thing for me wasn't the death of my sister, but the depression that my mother settled into for the rest of her life. For me, I found that this everlasting depression hanging over the house was far worse to live with - it got worse as time moved on, not better. Living with a depressed parent has probably scarred me far more - though as a parent now myself I am closer to understanding my mother.

Even now, I can't be around people who are depressed without getting emotional (and incredibly frustrated) about it. I found I resented the constant walking on conversational eggshells and steering the conversation the "right" way around my mother all the time.

Onlyaphase,that must have been very difficult, dealing with your mother's depression..we still don't talk about my brother in that I don't know how my parents dealt with it all at the time or since - it seemed at the time that we just carried on as normally as possible. I was thinking of this yesterday strangely enough, my brother dying, as I received a late Christmas card from my dad's cousin in the US. She was staying with us when my brother died - I think,as she is a nurse, that she might have been there deliberately because the end was approaching and helped with nursing him at home.