9 days on and struggling

[ghostmouse]

Dh died 9 days ago. I'm struggling to cope with my house my kids 18 14 and 11. I'm in auto pilot and don't have time to sit and think

Cancer took him 3 weeks after diagnosis, he'd been ill for 3 months. We married in hospital and I was there at the end. Funeral is Tues and I am absolutely dreading it.
His brother is getting on my nerves,keeps sending me photos all he wants to do is and reminisce about him all the fucking time with a hearty ho ho ho. He treated dh like shit anyway

And its all a big reminder that I only knew him for 4 short years together for 3 and everyone else has had a life time of memories with him.

His friends wife keeps messaging me let's meet for coffee and I'll tell you about the good old day with him..spamming my fb memories with likes and rip amazing man all over my bloody photos that go back 2vyears.
Fuck off.

I'm sorry, I'm so close to boiling point with everyone. It feels like I've been left to sort everything with the funeral and I asked for help with eulogy seeing as everyone else seems to have known him better than me but not one person did.

After the funeral I really do feel like disappearing for a few days and just grieving on my own in a hotel room and sod it all

I miss my wonderful dh so so much, its like an ache that will never go away

Sorry for rambling..feels better to get it off my chest

It is so soon. 9 days is just no time at all, especially after such a sudden illness and death. I am so sorry you haven't had longer to know and love your DH. Have you been told about the financial support available, and Winston's Wish?

I know everyone says that he had the happiest 3 years of his life with me (he had no luck with relationships and was on his own for 10 years)
He had no biological children.

He said to me he got what he'd always wanted with me, happiness and contentment and I gave him the best and he loved me do much.

I'm trying to hold on to that.

His ex said I was only with him for 3 years so why was I so gutted..shes known him for 30 years..together for 6 (he took her child on as his) so now I feel guilty for grieving as much

Stupid isn't it. My emotions are all over the place

You knew him in a different way to all the others. Years knowing people don't count in the same way as having an intense and loving relationship. It's an awful situation made worse by their ownership of your partner and I wish you strength to deal with them and your grief.

He is the person he loved now, and he is the person you loved now. No matter what his previous relationships, they mattered then, they do not matter as much now because yours matter more. Hold on to that.

Who do you have to support you and your DC? Not people who want you to support and enable them, people who will know they are supporting you? Family? Close friends?

I am so sorry.
There are always people like this who make everything about them. You don't have to respond to them or entertain them.
Are there a couple of people you trust? Feel safe with? If so I am sure they would stand between you and the others.
The self centred people will disappear from your life as soon as the funeral is over. Don't give them head space now.
The words you have said about your relationship with your lovely DH are all you need to say at his funeral.
You don't need to pander to anyone else.

I organised my son's funeral in the way I wanted. I am content that I got it right for him and for my family. If there is anything you would like to ask, or anything I can help with or suggest to help you, please don't hesitate to ask. Don't let anyone make this harder or interfere. I had so much support on MN, I would like to offer my support to you if it would help.

Thank you endofthelinefinally.
I do feel so alone in this. I'm know I'm not but grief is such a personal thing it really does feel like it's just you. Its after the funeral when I know I'm going to fall to pieces and that's when I'm going to need the help.

Family wise..there's only so much they can do, my mum is crackers and not as much help as she think she is although at first she was quite empathetic having been through it with my dad. His family are grieving too so not always easy to go to them.
I do have 2 or 3 good friends who are great in different ways. Both practical but ones very easy to talk to and is there when I need to talk.

My world is upside down, my routine is shot to shit, my poor dd is 11 and is up to all hours because I just can't function properly and she's missing my husband too.
Dps stuff is everywhere, the bedroom is full of his clothes, his belongings, his shoes, memorabilia and I don't think I'll ever be able to chuck them out, it will be as if I'm abandoning him
Sorry for rambling.

He was and is your soul mate. Time is meaningless. Don't let these other interlopers drag you away from your important work right now. Your work in coming to terms with a life which is different to how it should've been.

He chose you. You chose him.

His ex is irrelevant.
His brother is irrelevant.
You were his Mate and his wife. You are his wife.
Their memories are theirs. Let them keep them. And grieve how they will.

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain. Go to that hotel. Make a plan and leave. It's important and they need abs must respect that. 🌷

You aren't rambling. It helps to try and put thoughts into words.
It is such early days. Try to eat and drink enough. Cuddle your dd. It is ok to cry together. Reassure her that you are very sad, but you are ok and are there for her.
I have only just sorted out my son's things, almost 5 years on. You only need to do essential things. One step at a time.

@ghostmouse keep rambling, it makes perfect sense. None of what you are thinking or feeling has to be logical right now. Grief is not logical. As you said he was the happiest he had ever been with you in those years, quality matters over quantity.

Please do keep writing here, there will always be someone to listen, I know no one can take away the pain but you are not alone.

There’s a hand to hold and an ear to listen here.

If you want to tell us about how you met, or what he was like please do x

Oh he was wonderful
I met him at work, we both worked in a factory production area. He processed a part before mine and used to bring the boxes down for me to work on.

Always liked him but he never noticed me being a newbie..he was quite popular

Then I joined a walking group same one as him and we just got closer and closer than finally he asked me out!

He was quirky and not very tall, funny and mine.
Helped me become a better person, we shared everything, hardworking, even round the house.

He was perfect in so many ways but he was stubborn sometimes and a grumpy so and so especially when he was tired but he was mine.

I cant sleep. I was prescribed sleeping pills and that's the only way I can sleep at the moment but I haven't took one tonight because I don't have many left.

I might try alcohol I cantt get hold of the doctors atm they don't answer..can't even get another sicknote as there is no doctor available to sign it. Universal credit are on my back even though I'm still working for the NHS and I'm on the sick.

I cant i will never see him again

He told me bless him to go live my life and find someone else sad not be on my in sad that broke me.

I never will. How can I

Oh @ghostmouse. Of course you are struggling. Can you do an e-consult with your Dr surgery? It might be easier than trying to phone.

www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment will help you a bit financially.

E consult has been suspended until further notice at my surgery no idea why. I have to phone themm its ridiculous. By the time I get through all the appointments are gone.

I do feel like ending it all tbh

I've applied for the bereavement payment which should help with money

Oh ghostmouse. I know. It is desperate and terrifying. But your child needs you. Hold onto that. Keep talking on here. There are so many of us who have been through similar experiences. We are listening and holding you in our thoughts. One day at a time.

Others will try to alleviate their grief by being over present on social media. Saying things, commenting to make themselves feel better.

What you both had, your joy, cannot be diluted by others comments.

You will be raw, this is normal. You need to find a way, any way, that can put you into a quieter space in your head. If you need to go to a quiet hotel room for a bit, then go. If it's a walk in the middle of the night, then go.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's tragic your time together was cut short.

Focus on what you had, that he loved and chose you, and that those last times were his best times.

The waves will come and feel like you are drowning, but they subside, they ebb, the waves then come less frequently. Until you have only beautiful memories.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you.
Finally managed to get through to reception, doctors, I was 11 in the queue. I was 54 yesterday .someone poss ringing today.

It's the loneliness. It's a beautiful day. We'd have been up the coast or going for 1 of our long walks. Now I'm stuck in and noone too them with any more.

Oh and his brother keep asking about dhs possessions that have been stored in his mums (from when we moved in together)
Dh left everything to me but he wants this and that. Some of its worth money but its sentimental to me

Do you get on with his mother? If so, drop her a message, or, if you can face it, phone her and just say you are too upset to start negotiating with relatives regarding property and please can you all discuss it after the funeral. Please would she respect your DH's wishes until then. Ask her to speak to his brother and reassure him that everything will be kept safe for now. They will all be heartbroken and I am sure his brother is just worried that he won't have any mementoes.

Nah his brothers just a money grabbing git.

There's 2 albums of stickers dh wanted my dd to have, worth a lot but my daughter wants them to keep but bil keeps saying he wants.
them to sell.
Hes a bit of a thief as well, his mum has told him not to touch any of it but stuff has gone missing previously.

I am going to see his mum in a bit so I'll have a word then

Doctors have run. Spoke to mental health nurse. She was lovely and understood herself what I'm going through. Nurse practioner ringing me back with med changes do that's a start

Thank you all so much for listening

Oh. I am sorry to hear that about his brother.

In that case, could a friend bring the most important things to your house. How awful for you and his mum.
I couldn't even go in my son's room when he died. It was weeks before I could bear to look at his belongings. You shouldn't have to worry about them being stolen.

Oh ghostmouse, that's awful. I'm glad the surgery are stepping up.

At the moment there's a whole load of crap to deal with, when you just want to mourn and grieve.

I remember your previous threads. It's been 9 days, please be kind to yourself. Just functioning as you are is quite remarkable. Losing someone after such a brief illness is a massive shock. You DH's brother sounds very insensitive, and comments about selling DH's possessions is the last thing you need right now. Your DH sounds like a lovely man, and don't compare the time you had with him to others. You were the one married to him at the time. I am glad you have taken steps to get some help.

Me again..there's one thing I'm struggling with...

Don't want to trigger anyone so just going to leave a gap.

..

..

It's the thought of cremation.its a final goodbye. Knowing that his physical body won't be there fills me with physical sadness and pain as if he was never there.
Leaving him in the crem while we go home to have tea and sandwiches seems horrific.

Then I regretted cremation, maybe burial but then it was his wish in the end..and because he loved the outdoors I could scatter his ashes to be taken by the wind he said.
Am I mad. I feel panicky at the thought of his physical body no longer existing.

I said good bye to him today. I have his wedding ring round my neck and I left a photo of us and a letter for him to hold.

I just feel so sad.

My doctor has put me on mirtazipine to help me sleep and taking me of zopiclone as its proving rather addictive

Would it help to think of him as changing from one form to another? You can keep all his ashes if you want, or scatter some and keep some. You can have them made into jewellery, or interred in a cemetery. Keep them on the mantelpiece! I don't mean to sound flippant- DM hasn't been able to part with DF yet, his ashes are in a box in a bag under her bed. She can't decide what to do.