9 days on and struggling

[ghostmouse]

Dh died 9 days ago. I'm struggling to cope with my house my kids 18 14 and 11. I'm in auto pilot and don't have time to sit and think

Cancer took him 3 weeks after diagnosis, he'd been ill for 3 months. We married in hospital and I was there at the end. Funeral is Tues and I am absolutely dreading it.
His brother is getting on my nerves,keeps sending me photos all he wants to do is and reminisce about him all the fucking time with a hearty ho ho ho. He treated dh like shit anyway

And its all a big reminder that I only knew him for 4 short years together for 3 and everyone else has had a life time of memories with him.

His friends wife keeps messaging me let's meet for coffee and I'll tell you about the good old day with him..spamming my fb memories with likes and rip amazing man all over my bloody photos that go back 2vyears.
Fuck off.

I'm sorry, I'm so close to boiling point with everyone. It feels like I've been left to sort everything with the funeral and I asked for help with eulogy seeing as everyone else seems to have known him better than me but not one person did.

After the funeral I really do feel like disappearing for a few days and just grieving on my own in a hotel room and sod it all

I miss my wonderful dh so so much, its like an ache that will never go away

Sorry for rambling..feels better to get it off my chest

@ghostmouse how are you doing? Have you managed to put any of the worries to one side?

Oh goodness, this competitive grieving is just so ugly and destructive!!
Take all the time in the world for you.
Would your eldest take the reins at home while you did indeed take yourself way, or is it possible for them to go elsewhere with someone you trust?
In my experience whatever grief you don't/can't deal with now will come back and bite you in multiples of many.
How was it seeing his mum?

I think the brother has feelings of guilt/regret.

Sorry for your loss.

Justassmall

You may be right. Bil was vile to my dh growing up and as adults too, always putting him down and belittling him.

We gave dh such a good send off, people were lining the drive of the crem and every person were wearing his football team shirts.

I am sitting with my kids, we've ordered a take out and I'm having a glass of wine.

I know I shouldn't but I do feel at peace a bit.
I also know it will hit tomorrow and for a long time afterwards.

Oh goodness, @ghostmouse, I didn't realise it was today! Well done for completing another milestone. There is a peace in each one. Let tomorrow's worried wait for tomorrow.

Oh @ghostmouse I'm so very sorry for your loss.

One day at a time, and you need to be kind to yourself because grief is just the most shit thing, and it's been no time at all.

From a practical perspective in terms of your fears about the cremation - I don't know whether this will help but I hope maybe it might. My DF passed away just under two months ago. We did have him cremated, but we held his funeral in the chapel of a local funeral directors, who had a lounge where we could do the 'reception' afterwards. It meant that we didn't go to the crematorium, and we didn't have that awful moment of watching the curtains close. My DM, DB and I just had some further private moments in the chapel alone with him at the end of the service after everyone else had left the room, and then we just went next door to the lounge where everyone else was. So it was peaceful, and quite relaxed, without us having to think too much about the cremation part. I think in a way that made it less traumatic for us. One other practical thing which may or may not be helpful - we planned the funeral exactly how we wanted it based upon what we felt he would have wanted, and what was most true to him, so it was incredibly personal to him and us as a family. I don't know whether it was because of that, or just because we knew exactly everything which was going to happen and be said (because we had written it, and read what the celebrant would say - humanist because that was most fitting for DF, but you do what is right for you and your DH of course), or maybe just because your body goes into some sort of instinctive survival mode, but genuinely, because I know we had all been absolutely dreading the funeral, it was far less difficult to get through than we feared.

Sorry, I'm rambling now, but I just wanted to give you a handhold and hope that in some small way the above can help you.

Keep talking on here whenever you want to let it all out.

Oh goodness @ghostmouse I'm so sorry I didn't see your latest post and I'm too late. But I'm glad you gave him a good send off and that in some way has given you some peace - that is exactly how we felt too.

Tomorrow please take it easy and keep being kind to yourself.

@ghostmouse just letting you know your in my thoughts, hope your being kind to yourself and taking each day as it comes 💐

Sending huge hugs.

It's not the same but I lost my dad a couple of months ago and everything you're writing sounds completely 'normal' to me.

If you feel like you need to get away and you're able to, do it. I went camping for a couple of days with my best mate a week after dad's funeral.

It pissed down the whole time and I felt wiped out for a few days afterwards but the break was still helpful.

Take care of yourself, your body knows what it needs and it'll do no harm to listen and just go with it for a bit .

I did think about taking the kids away for a short break tbf.

I've really really lost my confidence with everything, dh did a lot of the driving in our 3 years together (I was happy to let him after 14 years of my ex not driving)everything localish is fully booked up and seaside resorts are just full of boozy pissed up people.i can't put a tent up and campsites are jam packed anyway. Tried to get into a lodge prices are astronomical

Will try next year. To he honest I'm so sick of covid rules, wearing masks (although I still do) rendering where to stand, masks on to walk into a restaurant, mask off to eat, mask on again, it just seems an added thing to think about.

I feel like im learning to do things all over again. Even managing my finances. Dh kept any eye on everything bill related, topped us gas electric and it was so lovely to be able to have the mental load taken away from me for 3 short years.

Now he's gone and I feel anger resentment and panic at the thought of yet again coping by myself and it does dredge up those horrible feelings of out of controlness I had when with ex. I had to do everything when I was with the ex because he was awful and it made me very depressed and I got into debt.

I feel like a helpless child again, having to learn to walk and I resent and hate it so much.

Sorry for ranting, I feel so crap every day

You are doing amazing I cannot imagine how you are even finding the strength to do more than the very basics, im so sorry for your loss x

Now he's gone and I feel anger resentment and panic

I think that's natural.

I left my (emotionally abusive) ex when I was 40, spent nearly 2 years living with my parents which was pretty hard work, and was only in my own home for 8 months when my dad had a catastrophic fall which was the start of his decline.

Now he's passed away I'm left with mum who I love but we're polar opposites and she's very demanding and something of an emotional vampire tbh.

So I get the anger, resentment and panic.. and then feeling guilty for feeling like that.

If you fancy a camping trip in the Brighton region I'm available for tent pitching support !

You have been through a terrible few months. Now that your Dh is at rest and the funeral is over please don't feel obliged to stay in contact with his brother. Mute him, block him or just delete any messages if you don't wish to engage. Same with anyone who has insinuated that they knew him better than you - such petty behaviour from adults! You have your memories of him and that's what counts for you. To hell with anyone else.

Absolutely take time away now, be it on your own or with the kids. You need to look after yourself first in order to be able to look after them.

@blackheartsgirl

I did think about taking the kids away for a short break tbf.

I've really really lost my confidence with everything, dh did a lot of the driving in our 3 years together (I was happy to let him after 14 years of my ex not driving)everything localish is fully booked up and seaside resorts are just full of boozy pissed up people.i can't put a tent up and campsites are jam packed anyway. Tried to get into a lodge prices are astronomical

Will try next year. To he honest I'm so sick of covid rules, wearing masks (although I still do) rendering where to stand, masks on to walk into a restaurant, mask off to eat, mask on again, it just seems an added thing to think about.

I feel like im learning to do things all over again. Even managing my finances. Dh kept any eye on everything bill related, topped us gas electric and it was so lovely to be able to have the mental load taken away from me for 3 short years.

Now he's gone and I feel anger resentment and panic at the thought of yet again coping by myself and it does dredge up those horrible feelings of out of controlness I had when with ex. I had to do everything when I was with the ex because he was awful and it made me very depressed and I got into debt.

I feel like a helpless child again, having to learn to walk and I resent and hate it so much.

Sorry for ranting, I feel so crap every day

Everything is harder at the moment, even grief. Try not to rush- I know it's crap, but you have to sort of swim through it a little at a time. You'll start to get more confident, one little thing at a time. Avoid the bigger things in favour of little every day things.

I've bloody outed myself now haven't I sorry mn hq.

I posted on an old account I had as I didn't want anyone to know who I was and blackhearts girl is my main one. Bugger.

Yes it's been an awful few months. I cant believe how my life has changed yet again in 3 years.

Today I've put 2 loads of washing out, and tidied my room.

I cant even put up flat pack furniture 😫

Fuck sake

Don't worry, MN will change it to the first name if you report your two posts and ask. I do it regularly!

Two loads of washing and a tidy round sounds pretty productive to me. And flat pack furniture sucks. Best to get a friend/helpful neighbour round to help and get a take away to sweeten the deal!

My D.C. were great at it as teens, and merely need pizza to bribe them.