How to support a grieving child?

[Bottl]

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me please?

My dear friend died last month, unexpectedly. Her dc is 6. He has access to a counsellor at school but I wonder if there is somewhere that could offer support to dfriend's dh to help their dc?

I would also be interested in finding ways to help support them. He tells me he misses his mum and as much as I let him know that I acknowledge this and also miss her, I don't know if that's enough. It feels like he's asking me for more but I have no idea what I should/could be telling him.

His dad asked if I thought he should put all her photos away because he felt the constant reminder was making things worse and that removing things like this was a normal thing to do in his culture when someone dies. My instinct was to say not to do that but again, no idea what would be the right thing to do.

Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated.

So sorry to hear that.

Winston's Wish and The Child Bereavement Charity are excellent.

Removing all her photos would be an horrific thing to do. Trying to erase someone makes grief worse, it's a really toxic practice to force people to act as if their loved one had never existed. He's not going to forget his mum is dead because he's had her photos taken away.

Being able to maintain a connection to her is important. I lost my mum young although thankfully not as young as he is. The thought of his dad ripping away the only remaining links he has to her and trying to make him act as if she never existed and he hasn't lost her is very, very upsetting. That is verging on abusive.

Cruse.org.uk have lots of good information including on how children are affected and how to support them.

The distress is because his mum has died, not because of the photos. It's not going to magically disappear with the right words or erasing all traces of his mum. This is a loss he will be carrying and feeling and managing for the rest of his life. The sooner the adults around him accept that the better.

Thank you, Diddumz. I will look into both of those.

Steelserenade - please don't think badly of him. He is dealing with this unbearable situation in the best way he can - trying to do what is best for his dc whilst being utterly devastated himself. I understand what you are saying and will pass that on.

Gosh what a sad situation, poor little boy

I'd also recommend winstons wish. It may be worth getting in touch with your local hospice and see if they can recommend anyone too? They may have a counsellor who could offer some support.

A little boy in my youngests year passed away sadly when he was 5 and a few of his closest classmates were given support through a local charity called something like Simon says. I'm not sure if they're National, but may be worth a look x

Thank you, @needadvice54321
I'll have a look at both winston's wish and Simon says.

Just popped back on to say if you're looking for a book then the invisible string is a lovely story for young children and does cover bereavement x

Winston's Wish are an amazing Charity. Also Widowed and Young for Dad xx

Local hospice is a good starting point. Most have a good bereavement service.

Oh OP, this is so sad. Good advice from previous posters. Coralie Bickford Smith’s book The Fox and the Star is also a lovely, gentle book about loss and how our loved ones are always with us. I hope you are ok.

Don’t shy away from talking about her. If he says that he misses her then ask what he misses most, and tell him what you miss. We can be worried about upsetting children but they need to talk about things in order to process them. He might be worried about upsetting his dad if he talks about his mum, but he needs to know that you remember her too.

Thanks for the book recommendations.
I'm not local to them but will search for their local hospice and get in touch.

Will also direct her dh to widowed and young.

Never have I been so affected by a death and I'm not sure how best to help. Despite knowing her dh for many years, she was my friend and I don't quite know how to have a 'chit-chat' conversation with him so end up asking the same questions. This irritates me so must be 100 times more awkward for him but I want to keep in touch so he knows people are there for them both.

I visited on the weekend, hoping to offer something more practical than a 'hi, how are you getting on?' text. Due to distance, I can't really do this more than once a month but will try and go as often as possible.
I took their dc out for an hour and we did talk about DFriend. Talked about our favourite thing about her and I also shared some stories about her.

I've looked at the Winston's wish website and downloaded some activities for the next time I visit.

Thank you for helping me help them

So sorry for your loss. Grief Encounter are absolutely superb, and have various books you can purchase through them.

@Bottl tbh you're already doing the best thing you possibly could, by keeping in touch and talking about your friend. So many people disappear into the woodwork after the funeral and it's particularly hard for the kids when they don't have an outlet.
So honestly, just being regularly available to the little boy will be so important to him.
I'm very sorry you lost your friend.

Thank you - I've just looked at Grief Encounter's website and read a few of their guides. I'll forward the link to dfriend's dh. I really hope restrictions lift soon so they can both get the face-to-face support they'll need.

Thank you @Eekay. It doesn't really feel like I'm doing much in comparison to what they are going through.

15yrs ago my dds friend's mum died and I put them in touch with Winstons wish, I also bought all the children a memory box to put things in that reminded them of her, like her glasses and concert tickets etc. (I got them from Winstons Wish)

I was told they loved them - so maybe something to think about as a gift and a way into talking about it?

Thank you, @TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish

I saw the memory boxes on Winston's Wish and wondered about taking a shoe box with me next time I visit and maybe decorating it with the little one while I'm there.

When I got divorced I got my daughter the divorce equivalent of this book - she found it really useful as it encourages them to draw out their feelings. I noticed it says 9 up but it may be suitable for younger I guess.

WHEN SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL DIES: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief (Drawing Out Feelings S.) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0962050202/ref=cmswwrcppapifabcc_5JKM5KCPPC16KJ0KVGJQ

@Bottl

Thank you, *@TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish*

I saw the memory boxes on Winston's Wish and wondered about taking a shoe box with me next time I visit and maybe decorating it with the little one while I'm there.

That's a lovely idea - but, if you can afford it, I would get one from WW. You can still decorate it, but it is much more substantial and feels more like a treasure chest. I think it's possible the shoe box might give off the wrong signals - not special enough.

After this lockdown I am hoping to get a memory bear made for my kids. It's a Teddy made from a mixture of clothes that belonged to their dad. Would that be something that could be done?

We also luckily had a local family and children's grief charity that did a six week course with the kids and the parents separately. It gave the adults a chance to vent and say whatever they needed without judgement, things they can't necessarily say to family and friends, while the kids spent time with other kids who have lost a parent and did activities to subtly explore how they are feeling and to help them understand. Perhaps Google your local area for similar?

There's child bereavement services in most cities, they have different names but are usually part of the child bereavement network. I've worked for my local one. There is sometimes a bit of a wait so make enquiries soon to get on the list, they often (pre pandemic) ran groups for kids in similar circumstances

@Newnormal99

When I got divorced I got my daughter the divorce equivalent of this book - she found it really useful as it encourages them to draw out their feelings. I noticed it says 9 up but it may be suitable for younger I guess.

WHEN SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL DIES: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief (Drawing Out Feelings S.) [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0962050202/ref=cm]]swwrcppapifabcc_5JKM5KCPPC16KJ0KVGJQ

Thank you, I will look it up.

Yes, I see your point. I'll talk to my friend's dh and check he's happy for me to go ahead and I'll order one for the next time I visit.

I've seen these and think they are a lovely idea and I am sorry for your loss

Thank you. I'll do some internet research. I live quite a distance from them so not particularly familiar with their immediate area. I hope some face-to-face support can resume before long - I think they both need it.

Hello OP. I'd like to recommend "Guiding Your Child Through Grief" by James and Maryann Emswiler...it's the best I've come across as it covers different types of loss (illness vs sudden tragedy), age/maturity differences, and emphasizes that children "re-grieve" as they hit different developmental milestones. It offers support advice for the child's teachers, family, and friends. I found it to be a resource that I returned to time and time again after the death of my husband. The old idea that children will adapt and move on if they aren't "reminded" of their loss is very damaging...they have suffered a loss that is even more significant than the adults around them because they have absolutely no control over what happens next. Men tend to move on very quickly because they have no idea how to parent on their own. Their instinct is to hand off to the women in their lives and the kids wind up feeling as if they've lost both parents. Their grief needs to be acknowledged and supported just as an adult's does. I'm so sorry for your loss.