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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Friend's husband (DF to 2 young kids) killed in car accident this am. What do we do?

27 replies

Daddster · 01/11/2007 20:06

I can't even type this without welling up. He was such a great guy and it's so difficult to believe he's gone. We left a message while she was out saying we'll do anything to help out, but what on earth can we do/say without intruding on her unimaginable grief or making it worse for her?

OP posts:

3Ddonut · 01/11/2007 20:11

I'm so sorry to hear this, it's such a shock when these things happen, you feel grief for yourself, your friend and their children. Can you offer practical support, do the shopping, make sure they're eating, do the washing etc? I remember an interview with Nigella just after her dh John Diamond died she said that someone had done her shopping and left it in the kitchen, they didn't say anything just left it and went and she had said how much she appreciated that support. But that was expected, your friend must be in bits, has she got family around? Poor kids, just help them to do the normal things so that she can sort out all the horrible things that need to be done, funeral arrangements etc. I'm really sorry to hear this and I'm thinking of you all,

MarsLady · 01/11/2007 20:12

I agree with 3D. And I'm sorry for your loss.

FlameFromBonfire · 01/11/2007 20:12

Oh god. I would say the practical things too

3Ddonut · 01/11/2007 20:12

How old are the children? Maybe you could take the kids out for her for an afternoon in a few days time?

RubySlippers · 01/11/2007 20:12

3D has given good advice

3Ddonut · 01/11/2007 20:13

God, Daddster, I'm welling up too! I wish I could do something! Whereabouts are you?

orangehead · 01/11/2007 20:13

How awful Im so sorry. Does she live near? Is there people helping her ie family. I would let her know you are there for her and that she can talk to you anytime and perhaps suggest practical help like having the kids, cooking meals. Thinking of you all

oooggs · 01/11/2007 20:13

and nothing to add - 3d covered things very well

cazboldy · 01/11/2007 20:15

Can't imagine what they must be going through. If it was my best friend think I would just go and be there and tell her to tell me to go if she wants. She just must be so shocked - it probably hasn't sunk in yet. for you all especially the dc

3Ddonut · 01/11/2007 20:34

Daddster, we're still here, just bumping this really, it's fell of active convos.

UniversallyChallenged · 01/11/2007 20:41

Daddster this wasnt in Northampton was it?

SpeccieSeccie · 01/11/2007 20:46

I'm so sorry. Very, very sad.

Maybe you could cook them some food - nice, comfy, filling stuff like a casserole, a lasagne, etc, but something they could freeze - and take it round. IME this is always appreciated. The doing the shopping is good too.

grannyslippers · 01/11/2007 21:31

I think anything you can do to help practically will be welcome - don't wait to be asked as she won't be together enough to know what she wants. Just go round and say what can I do?

So very sad, we were in this position last year and it's a long haul.

jes74 · 02/11/2007 09:25

I'm so sorry and know exactly how you feel, its almost a year ago since our friend also dad to two young children died in a car accident. We were prepared to do anything that was asked but as it was she wanted space to begin with and her close family, then after the funeral support was given by friends one would go before school each morning and give her the chance to get dressed and have a shower then walk to school with her. Another cooked meals and took them round and another wouls stay over at the weekend to help with the children but also because it gave her a chance to talk. the most important thing that any of us could really do was listen to her and her ds1 talk about her partner ds2 too young, to not ignore what they had been through and to not hurry them to move on. Each person reacts in their own way and sometimes we were pushed away, we never took offence but we made sure we were always there floating in the background looking out for them. Nearly a year on and she has started to rebuild her life but that has meant moving away from the area closer to family and away from memories too painful to deal with. Her sons miss daddy but they have been amazing and appear happy. sorry if this is a long waffle i just couldn't not reply.

dustystar · 02/11/2007 09:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My friend's dh died 2 years ago this month in a crash. He also had 2 young children. Like the others have said a lot of the support we gave was practical but sometimes I just sat with her and held her while she cried or talked about him if thats what she wanted.

Let your friend know that you are there for her whenever she needs you and will do whatever you can and then try to follow her lead.

One thing that my friends GP recommended was to buy a calender and book dates in over the following few months of days out together etc so she has something to look forward to and some structure to the next few months. We didn't actually get around to doing that with my friend but it sounds like a good idea.

bootsmonkey · 02/11/2007 09:43

I also lost a close friend in a car accident at the beginning of this year. His DW and I were pregnant together & our children are 2 weeks apart. I would say the best thing you can do is be there for her. Let her talk if she wants to, let her have time alone if she wants to. Everyone's grief is so personal and individual there is no blanket rule. Talking about and remembering your friend, however difficult, is also important as so often the weird fear of mentioning them stops people talking and it all becomes a taboo. I live 4 hours away from my friend and there is little practical we can do to help. We went to the funeral and we went up for her DSs birthday. Xmas will be so hard, as are all the firsts - his birthday, her birthday, their sons birthday, wedding anniversary, Xmas, anniverary of the accident.... She has found keeping super busy the only way to cope and I believe she has also found help from WAY foundation I still miss him and think of him on a regular basis. these things are so unfair and random...

greenday · 02/11/2007 10:02

www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2136243,00.html

I hope this helps. Its an article on a book a lady wrote for friends and families of the bereaved called 'what can I do to help'.

So sorry about your friend. I hope she gets lots of comfort and support from her family and friends.

dustystar · 02/11/2007 14:52

I spoke to my friend and she agreed with everything that has been said. She says that all the meals that were brought round in the first 2 weeks plus helping her clean the house really made a difference.

clumsymum · 02/11/2007 15:06

One thing that I think may be helpful, is if you could help to care for the children on the day of the funeral. Even if your friend has family round, they will all be feeling theior own grief so deeply, and getting ready for the funeral, as well as getting thru the service can be so difficult whils trying to deal with a baby or toddler.

My father died when ds was 11 days old. My mums best friend made it quite clear that she would take care of ds for me during the funeral service (I needed dh's support myself) take him out if he cried, change him if necessary. In the event, ds was an angel, sleeping thru the service, and the Wake sort of turned into a joint celebration for ds's birth as well as remembering his grandad.

But it would help I think if you can take care of the little ones during that day.

onlyjoking9329 · 02/11/2007 15:18

so sorry to hear this.

the best thing you can do is be there, allow her to cry/talk/scream Don't say let me know if you need something. it's too vauge and she may not know what she needs right now. make dates/times to spend with her or have the kids don't leave it open ended. lots of people say give us a ring if i can help it's an automatic thing that people say when they don't know what else to say. be there and offer to do things washing/ironing trips to shops and stuff like that.

RitaRitaMeterMaid · 02/11/2007 15:34

What OnlyJoking says.

Be there for the bits that everyone else is too afraid to be there for. The bits that people are too nervous to 'intrude on'. And don't wait for her to ask for help or tell you what to do.

When I experienced a devastating loss I just wanted peple to gather round me and allow me to react as I needed to.

bogwobbit · 02/11/2007 15:42

Coincidentally I got the "What can I do to help" book that greenday mentions, out of the library today.
Haven't read it all yet (obviously) but the jist of the message is just to be there for them and not to be scared to talk about the person who has died. The worst thing that can possibly happen to them has happened, so saying their name isn't going to make it worse.
Other things were helping in practical ways, cooking food etc and keeping up the help for more than just a few weeks.
I'm sure there will be lots more things (only on Chapter 2 at present).
The book itself is well worth a read by the way.

onlyjoking9329 · 02/11/2007 22:03

how are things Dadster?
thinking of you and your friends family.

Original poster

Daddster · 04/11/2007 19:56

Thanks for the response. I think I would be unfair to my friend for me to mention the location of the accident.

I think jes74 is right - all her friends need to co-ordinate and speak to each other (without troubling her) so that we don't all go in offering to do the same thing at once then leave periods where she's on her own. I also agree with 3D - it's the practical things we should help with, things which he would otherwise have done/shared/made easier.

He's being buried abroad and according to his religion has to be buried very quickly, so the body has been released and our friend has flown off while her parents look after the kids. As a result we don't know what state she's in, but I can imagine.

I didn't see the Guardian article or the book, but will have a look, thanks greenday. I did look at getting "Death and How to Survive It" for her by Kate Boydell, the name of whose website the merry widow is a bit off-putting, but the book has had good reviews.

Thanks to all you so much for all of the input. It's really helped us try to piece together a way of responding to a situation which stunned us completely.

OP posts:

ShinyHappyRocketsGoingBANG · 04/11/2007 20:02

Daddster, the DH of a friend from our church died recently very suddenly. Since then, the congregation have been cooking for her and her 4 children and taking it to her neighbour, who has a chest freezer, and keeping in contact with each other via and email group, so we all know when she needs more etc.

The others are right. It's the practical "being there" that will help her the most at the moment.

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