Sad about lack of funeral flowers

[RichardMarxisinnocent]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but not sure where else to put it. My dad died suddenly towards the end of last year. My sibling lived locally to my dad so organised the flowers for the funeral. At previous funerals I recall there being a fair few flowers- a spray on top of the coffin, "Dad" or "Mum" in letters made of flowers and other arrangements, so I assumed that this is what we'd have for my dad. Neither of us had arranged a funeral before. We did get flowers from the two of us for our DGM's funeral which were put on top of the coffin.

My siblings's partner asked if they could get flowers from them to which I said of course. The week of the funeral my sibling sent a photo of the type of spray which would be on top of the coffin and I again assumed there would be that, the partner's flowers, dad letters and something else.

On the day of the funeral the only flowers were the spray on the coffin and the flowers from my sibling's partner. The hearse looked so bare compared to others I have seen, it looked like hardly anyone cared about him. I now assume that if you want dad flowers you need to specifically ask the florist for them, is that correct? Presumably if you want other flowers around the coffin as well as on top you have to ask for those too? You don't just ask for funeral flowers and get several bunches which will fill up the hearse. And I guess flowers can be added to by family sending them as we did with my DGM. If I'd known that the default was just the spray for the top of the coffin I would have asked my sibling to ask for other flowers. I feel sad that my dad had so few flowers, and as if we let him down.

Apologies for the long post, didn't realise I'd written so much

Sorry for your loss xx
If you want certain flowers then you have to order certain flowers.
There is normally a catalogue where you pick what you would like from a funeral director. Or you order what you want from a florists.
If you ordered a Spray for the coffin that's all you would get.
Everyone has different tastes.

I’m so sorry that your Dad has passed, you obviously cared so much for him. I’m not sure about flowers usually provided but I just wanted to say that it’s clear you loved him sooo much and that’s the main thing that he would have known. Perhaps there might be a chance when lockdown is lifted to place some more flowers from you at his resting place? You could still get Dad flowers if you liked? hope you’re ok OP 💖

I’m sorry for your loss.

It must be very painful, and I’m sure you really miss your dad.

I’m sure your dad will just want you to be able to move on and not be too sad. Please don’t dwell on it- easy to say, harder to do.

Can you make a plan for a family meal in your dad’s honour and make up for the flowers by planning a lovely meal?

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and for the extra grief caused by this misunderstanding.

Did your sister deal with the undertakers on her own? They're the ones who should have asked specifically what flowers she wanted. And she should have been given the document listing all that was being provided (including what type of flowers) and how much it was all going to cost.

(I'm organising a relative's funeral at the moment and also did my DM's a few years ago.)

Oh OP, please dont fret over it. Yes, you have to order the flowers you want - that's how funeral parlours and florists are rolling in it! No one would have noticed the minimal flowers. My MIL just had a spray and I cant remember feeling either 2 ways about it.

Sorry I see I've assumed sister, but you said sibling.

It sounds like this was a misunderstanding between you and your sister. Additional flowers would have needed to have been ordered to get what you wanted. I understand that this is upsetting but I would try and let this one go.

Funeral flowers are very expensive (often £50 per letter or so for words). But fewer flowers really doesn’t signify any less love - my DFs funeral is in 3 weeks time, we are having one spray on top from everyone and requesting no further flowers and charity donations in his memory instead. He wouldn’t have wanted any fuss.

I'm so sorry.

As other have said, you order whatever you want to be there.

I'm perhaps unusual but I don't really like loads of flowers... they're just 'on show' for the journey to the funeral and then just left... it's such a shame.

Can I suggest instead you buy yourself some lovely flowers and keep them in your home to enjoy. I'm sure your dad would much prefer you to have and enjoy them x

I'm sorry for your loss.

Funeral flowers are stupidly expensive and end up in the bin. When my dad died we deliberately had a spray on top and donated the equivalent money to the charity that helped him.

Many many people ask for no flowers.

I am sorry for your loss.

When you organize a funeral, you do have to pay for every single floral tribute separately - they don't come as part of the package and they add a lot to the cost.

In some families and cultures having 'Mum' or 'Dad' flowers will be normal and some it won't. I wouldn't personally look at a hearse and think the person was less loved because of the absence of flowers - some families actively request no flowers, some will just not think that those sort of funeral flowers are their thing and they would rather remember their loved one in a different way.

The key thing is that your Dad knew how much you loved and still love him now.

Yes you have to specifically order what you want. Same as for a wedding. Some people want more and some less and obviously the more you order the more it costs.
At my mum's funeral she had a large spray from my dad and 3 smaller ones from her children and grandchildren which seemed enough to us.

I do understand how you feel. Even though obviously mum did not know what flowers there were we still picked what we thought she would have liked and I would have been upset if I thought it wasn't right. Things can never be perfect though and I am sure it will fade in time and hopefully be replaced by more positive thoughts. We also took some pleasure in choosing music and readings she would have liked and memories of her for the eulogy. Maybe try to think on the things that did go well about the day. I am sure you did find ways to honour and remember her.

We just had family flowers for my dad - just a spray on top. We deliberately asked for them for my mum as she was a gardening obsessive. Both were fine. You’ve not let him down at all - a lot of people either request family flowers only, or just a donation to a charity.

Sorry I've said mum throughout. Selfishly Projecting my own loss. I meant your dad.

Could you plant some flowers somewhere in his memory?

Sorry for your loss, op. Try not to focus on the flowers you didnt have, but the lovely flowers you did have

Oh dear. Try not to dwell on it, I know what that's like though, you're terribly upset but focus on something else (flowers) rather than the awful thing that's really upset you.

Yes the undertaker should have made this clear. But funeral flowers are soooooo expensive. We asked for just charity donations. And noone would judge at all. I hate seeing the flowers outside the crem after the funeral, just lying there. What a waste. So sorry about your dad.

@JanuaryChill

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and for the extra grief caused by this misunderstanding.

Did your sister deal with the undertakers on her own? They're the ones who should have asked specifically what flowers she wanted. And she should have been given the document listing all that was being provided (including what type of flowers) and how much it was all going to cost.

(I'm organising a relative's funeral at the moment and also did my DM's a few years ago.)

We both spoke to the undertaker, my sibling was there in person, I was on speakerphone as I am the other end of the country. But my sibling arranged the flowers directly with the florist not through the undertaker, and didn't mention being shown any sort of catalogue. I imagine it didn't even occur to them to ask for anything other than a spray, and it didn't occur to me that we'd need to ask. We were both in shock and devastated. As a PP said it was just a misunderstanding.

Flowers or the lack of are no indicator of how much a person was loved.
My mum died last year and we had a bunch of spring blossoms I’d picked from my local hedgerows. All the family members had a single tête-à-tête which we laid on the coffin.

What matters, and I’m sorry if this sounds trite, is what is in your hearts.

Sorry for for your loss - but don’t dwell on flowers, think about you dad and all the good times you had with him.

Of course. As others have said, many don't expect to see loads of flowers around a coffin these days anyway.

I wonder if there's some other public way you could show what he meant to you? Like a plaque somewhere associated with him - a bench, on the golf club wall or whatever his equivalent would have been? Or there must be other ways, eg some parks have areas where you can plant a tree in memory of someone.

@TangerineGreen

I’m so sorry that your Dad has passed, you obviously cared so much for him. I’m not sure about flowers usually provided but I just wanted to say that it’s clear you loved him sooo much and that’s the main thing that he would have known. Perhaps there might be a chance when lockdown is lifted to place some more flowers from you at his resting place? You could still get Dad flowers if you liked? hope you’re ok OP 💖

I'm ok thank you. Just I walk through a cemetery quite often so see flowers on the new graves there and as I pass I think of my dad's flowers. He doesn't have a resting place yet, we're trying to arrange for his ashes to be buried, but flowers for when that happens is a lovely idea.

You didn't let your dad down. It's different strokes on flowers at funerals. Some people want a big display, some don't really think about it (I can't even remember what we did for mum) and some would consider a spray on the coffin very tasteful.

I am sure your dad would not want you to dwell on this. When you decide on a resting place, definitely bring him flowers there from time to time, that will mean so much more.

I arranged my wife's funeral and only wanted a huge spray of brightly coloured flowers on her bright blue coffin. I wouldn't allow anyone else to order any other. flowers. Her coffin looks lovely and reflected her personality. The florist allowed me to help make the spray. After the funeral I brought the flowers home and divided them into small sprays for family and friends.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss.

You didn't let your dad down at all - you just didn't understand how it worked. As others have already said, your lovely dad would not want you to feel upset about this. It isn't the external displays of love that matter in the end, it's what we feel inside. You obviously loved your dad very much, and I bet he knew it.

Do you have a garden where you could perhaps plant some special flowers for him.

A lot of people only have a spray on the coffin. My family always do. We'd rather people put money in to the collection. Funeral flowers are criminally expensive and especially if you don't have a grave there's always the problem of what do you do with Them? They are cut too short to take to pieces and have in a vase.

I'm very sorry for your loss.