My dad died. But it was a complicated relationship. So nobody seems to care.

[MumblesHereMumblesThere]

He left us. There were a lot of lies. It was nasty. It was ugly and messy. Then he moved away, remarried and we barely kept in touch for years. Sad. Very sad.

Then a couple of years ago we got back in touch. We started to email each other. We didn’t fix the years of hurt but we made peace. I looked forward to his emails. But because we live at opposite ends of the country we didn’t meet. I work and I have kids, then Covid happened. But the emails were good. Slow at first. But we were making progress.

Then out of the blue last week I heard he’d died suddenly.

I’ve put a brave face on over Christmas for the kids. I texted my friends about my dad. But none of them seem worried about me. They replied to my texts when I told them but that’s been it. No checking up on me. I appreciate there’s a pandemic but surely they could text?

When my friends have lost parents I’ve tried to be empathetic.

I have no siblings.

My mother hates him for what he did.

I get that ours was a complicated relationship but he was still my dad. He died suddenly, unexpectedly. Hopefully quickly. But he died alone.

He was my dad.

I miss the emails. I keep checking my inbox in case there has been some mistake.

All those wasted years, but he was my dad.

My heart is breaking for the dad he was but also the dad that he wasn’t.

Rest in peace, dad xxxx

So sorry for your loss. I have a similarly difficult relationship with my dad so can understand how you feel. Your friends I'm sure don't mean to be hurtful, it's hard to understand a complex relationship with a parent unless you've had one yourself. Take care of yourself.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Its a unique grief to lose someone you had a fractured relationship with. And others won't know what to say for various reasons. But he was your dad. Hold onto that.

Thank you both. You’ve made me cry. I think this is what I need.

Thank you 💔

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My father died last year and we also had a complicated relationship (we weren't in contact when he died). I acted completely unbothered by it to my family (he was a cruel man and abused me and DBro) I felt like I wasn't allowed to have any emotions about it but I did, it still hurt. I understand how you feel to some extent and you have every right to feel upset, those friends may never have experienced a complicated relationship so may not understand that your hurting, reach out to someone you trust if you need to talk. to you. Sorry for your loss x

I’m so sorry, @MumblesHereMumblesThere.

I think it’s understood that a complicated relationship can sometimes make grieving harder and just more complex. But friends often don’t respond well, which is hurtful in itself. It might be worth texting them again and saying a little of what you’ve written here, something like “I’m finding this really hard. It was complicated, but he was my dad.”

You’ve written a beautiful tribute to him and to your repairing relationship.

Sending 💜

I had a similarly difficult relationship with my brother and he committed suicide two weeks ago. It's the suddenness of it all. And trying to make sense of it all. I'm sorry for your loss op.

@dancinginpurplerain

So sorry for your loss. I have a similarly difficult relationship with my dad so can understand how you feel. Your friends I'm sure don't mean to be hurtful, it's hard to understand a complex relationship with a parent unless you've had one yourself. Take care of yourself.

Exactly this. I found the very same when my dad died. I am so sorry for your loss xx

Thank you for replying.

I’m obviously not the only one with a complex relationship.

I’m in floods of years here. I needed to write that post.

I appreciate the kindness of strangers.

Thank you ❤️

I’m sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

I’m sorry for your loss
I think friends are often at a loss as to what they should say/do following a bereavement especially if they haven’t experienced one themselves, or when the relationship is complicated. I’d second letting at least one of then know you are finding this hard.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I haven’t had any contact with my dad for decades and I have no idea how I will feel if I ever hear that he has died. He abused me so I don’t want anything to do with him but I expect I will feel sadness - not that he’s dead, but that things were as they were.

My mum and I had a strained relationship and a huge falling out at which point I decided I was done with her. She was diagnosed with cancer shortly afterwards and in her last 18 months we spent as much time together as possible - I paused my business to take care of her. In that time we fixed a lot that had been broken and I will always be grateful for that, but I still feel so sad for all the lost time where we were so distant despite being so near each other. I have a lot of regret. I think it’s so complex when we don’t have good relationships with our parents - we are mourning so much more than their death. The lost time, the idea that things could have been different, that they could have been different... it’s a lot to process. I would definitely consider some bereavement counselling when you feel ready, to help you process how you’re feeling, but you are not alone.

Yes I found this too. I think people don’t understand that you are not necessarily grieving for your dad as is but the dad he never was and can never be now. It’s hugely complex and in some ways more difficult and definitely more lonely. I hope
You can take some comfort from the small steps you had managed . The guilt can be terrible too . Take care x

to all of you xx

@Twintub

Yes I found this too. I think people don’t understand that you are not necessarily grieving for your dad as is but the dad he never was and can never be now. It’s hugely complex and in some ways more difficult and definitely more lonely. I hope You can take some comfort from the small steps you had managed . The guilt can be terrible too . Take care x

I'd second this too, you are grieving for what he should've been when you were younger and is possibly more difficult to come to terms with. I'm sorry your friends don't realise this. Take care x

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Too late! I did!

to you all. Thank you again for your kindness xx

How are you doing, @MumblesHereMumblesThere?

@SparklingLime thank you so much for asking.

It’s early days so still very raw. I’m still very upset and you’re right, my grief is very complex because of the dad he was / wasn’t / will never be.

Like everyone I’m finding Covid and Tier 4 very tough. I miss my friends and my old life. A hug would be nice. Perhaps in normal times my friends would’ve “got it” but because of the restrictions I haven’t seen them and texting just isn’t the same.

I feel very lonely.

But this will pass.

I’m so glad I posted and so very grateful for the responses.

Yes, it’s such early days. You do sound very resilient though. Perhaps this thread can remain as somewhere to keep sharing when you feel like it?

death in circumstances like this is so much harder.

You grieve the loss of the person but also the person that they weren't.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you but have some limited insight.

Can you force your friends to talk about it? Or access some professional support? I have access to counselling through my employer and have been considering it as we have had a lot of family bereavements in the past few years and I'm not sure I've processed them all that well

Or keep talking on here - people will be happy to listen.

This is a bit of a late post, I can see you posted this a while ago op.
But I wanted to say sorry for your loss and to recommend you listen to Griefcast with Cariad Lloyd. It's helped me enormously with the grieving process.
In particular there's an episode with a woman called Barunka O'Shaughnessy that you might find really helpful. Not exactly the same as you but she never really knew her dad until the end and it's a really good episode about complicated grief.

I'm so sorry to hear that. From personal experience, I think death can be harder to bear when the relationship with someone was troubled or recently distanced. That's partly about other people's lack of sympathy (my mother after my father died: I don't know why you're making so much fuss, you weren't close to him). But I think it's mostly about regret, possibilities unexplored, not only in the relationship but in the dead person's own life. You feel sad for THEM, having died with so much unfinished business. I find I dream about my father quite often still.
Having said all of this, there was less than with other deaths I've experienced to miss on the daily basis. So I think after a few months had passed, although it has remained a puzzling thing at the back of my mind, I wasn't actively grieving any more. Not too many things happen where I think 'Dad would have loved/ hated/ laughed at'. My children and the things I do with them remind me of some of them (things he did with me when I was a little girl), but there wasn't that weight of an adult relationship.

Sorry for everybody's losses on this thread.

I get it though and I fear that when the time comes (x2 because estranged from both parents for different reasons), it's going to be very lonely and people will think I'm just attention seeking if I'm upset, given the histories.

Someone mentioned complicated/complex grief upthread. This is one of those situations where in the future, if the feelings don't reduce, that therapy can help (from what I've read). It's a difficult situation.

But I take heart too from the poster who isn't reminded of the parent by little things in daily life. That's a small upside in this sort of situation.

Covid-free hugs to everyone.

to everyone on this thread, you are all very wise. Just a bit of perspective from me in case it helps, I lost my dad in similarly challenging circumstances nearly 2 years ago now. While in some ways the grief is every bit as challenging and real as it was then, and I still very much miss the good aspects to him when he was 'on song' (increasingly infrequent towards the end), I am now able to also acknowledge to myself that life is easier without him in some ways, which I couldn't do for ages without feeling horribly guilty. I am more calm and even without the emotional roller-coaster he brought to our lives and am able to look back on the memories I have of him both good and bad with a degree of detachment that wasn't really possible at the time. I can also objectively speaking acknowledge (like the PP) that although he is in some ways 'missing', there in all probability wouldn't have been the happy memories of DC and their loving grandparent etc that some people have, even had he not died, that ship had already sailed. That's sad of course, but it isn't as raw and devastating to me as I think it is for people who had a totally happy relationship with their parents. I don't know if that's of comfort to anyone, in a weird way it is to me...

I’m also late to the post but I am so sorry for your loss. You’re right, despite all his flaws he was still your dad!
I hope you’re doing ok.