My dad died. But it was a complicated relationship. So nobody seems to care.

[MumblesHereMumblesThere]

He left us. There were a lot of lies. It was nasty. It was ugly and messy. Then he moved away, remarried and we barely kept in touch for years. Sad. Very sad.

Then a couple of years ago we got back in touch. We started to email each other. We didn’t fix the years of hurt but we made peace. I looked forward to his emails. But because we live at opposite ends of the country we didn’t meet. I work and I have kids, then Covid happened. But the emails were good. Slow at first. But we were making progress.

Then out of the blue last week I heard he’d died suddenly.

I’ve put a brave face on over Christmas for the kids. I texted my friends about my dad. But none of them seem worried about me. They replied to my texts when I told them but that’s been it. No checking up on me. I appreciate there’s a pandemic but surely they could text?

When my friends have lost parents I’ve tried to be empathetic.

I have no siblings.

My mother hates him for what he did.

I get that ours was a complicated relationship but he was still my dad. He died suddenly, unexpectedly. Hopefully quickly. But he died alone.

He was my dad.

I miss the emails. I keep checking my inbox in case there has been some mistake.

All those wasted years, but he was my dad.

My heart is breaking for the dad he was but also the dad that he wasn’t.

Rest in peace, dad xxxx

I've found myself in a similar position to this now.

How are you OP?

Hi @Auntycorruption

I’m truly sorry to hear you’re in a similar position.

Feel free to tell us your story if that helps.

This post really helped me when I so felt so alone. I was touched by the kindness of strangers,

I still feel hurt by my friends’ lack of support. Perhaps because they hadn’t met him or because it was complicated or that he’d let me down in the past... or just because they couldn’t begin to imagine how broken I was. I don’t know. But yes they let me down. One day when the time is right I will say something I think.

I went to the funeral despite the restrictions and again it was painful and complicated. But once again the kindness of strangers on that day was unbelievable.

I still think about my dad every day and wish things had been different.

When everyone was posting on FB the other day about the queen all alone at the funeral I felt like screaming WHY DIDN'T MY FRIENDS WORRY ABOUT ME BEING ALL ALONE AT MY DAD’S FUNERAL ?????

But enough about me.

If you need kindness from strangers then we’re here for you xx

Don't be too hard on your friends if you didn't tell them how bad you felt. They might have been afraid to ask more. As a society, we are pretty rubbish at dealing with death. (Some people do still cross the street to avoid talking to the bereaved.)

Since there is a complicated history between you and your Dad, your friends probably didn't know if you felt as bereaved as anyone else losing a father and just didn't want to make things worse for you by asking and stirring it all up.

That fear of 'making things worse' by 'saying the wrong thing' is really common.

(If you are wondering this very thing -be reassured; it would be almost impossible to make bereavement worse just by talking. Go ahead - do your clumsy worst. You might well make things easier to bear, whatever you say.)

So sorry for your loss.

I had a crap relationship with my dad. He was an abusive alcoholic 😞

It's a hard and confusing type of bereavement.

Thanks. It's sad the story is so familiar. Yes abusive alcoholic, chaotic addicted life. Failed in the basic tasks of adulting, including arranging any kind of will so I have all the paperwork to deal with now.

He told great stories and could be charismatic and make friends. But scratch the surface and there is just selfish denial and irresponsibility all the way through.

@Auntycorruption

Sounds tough.

Good luck with everything. Take care.

So often people are crap when a friend or relative suffers a bereavement. Often the ones we most expect to be good are the worst and others, of whom we expect nothing, are great.

Having a difficult relationship with a dead loved one doesn't begin to lessen the grief. If anything it intensifies it. Because you grieve the person they were and the person they should have been and could have been. And all the missed events, that there should have been, the lost opportunities. And it brings back the hurt of the original rejections.

And the complexities mean your friends don't think its important or they are overwhelmed by the complexities and the ways I which they might get it wrong, so they ignore.

It doesn't mean they don't love you and wish you the best; they just don't know what to say and don't realise that even "getting it wrong" would be better than ignoring it

Sending a hug

@Weedoogie

Thank you ❤️

I'm sorry you didn't have any support for dealing with the death of your Dad.

Glad I saw this thread.
My dad died 2 days ago.
I hadn't seen him for years and there was a messy complicated history.
It feels like I've knocked back a heady cocktail of regret, guilt, and sadness, and there is nowhere to put any of it.
It is very comforting to read other people's posts, even though I am sorry for all of your complicated losses

It's hard processing everything when you've had a complicated relationship @HazelyJanell and especially just two days ago.
My Dad died last week and his lovely wife exactly a week later. A complicated relationship made all the more so by him living in another country.

@HazeyJaneII and @Silverstreaks

Thank you for posting. So sorry for your recent losses 💔